


Holidaze

by roxystyle



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 21:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 68,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3462038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roxystyle/pseuds/roxystyle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Quinn did something stupid on New Year's Eve and everyone knows that you spend the new year the same way you spent New Year's Eve. (Previously posted on fanfiction.net)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Happy New Year

I was never supposed to fall in love with her. People at that age didn’t fall in love and expect it to last; at least, the rational part of their brain didn’t allow them to expect it to last. We were different, we always were. High School sweethearts were supposed to be cookie cutter; alpha male and trophy girlfriend, the ones that got voted in their senior superlatives. They were the ones nominated for Homecoming Court and would win Prom King and Queen; they were the couple that everyone hated to love. Hallways would part like the red sea for them; they were gawked at and envied until the day they graduated. I was supposed to be one half of that relationship.

 

I don’t even remember what lead to my realization, when I started noticing my _enemy_ in a different light, when I started to walk on eggshells when she was around. I was blindsided, in the most beautiful way someone could be. It was crazy really, feeling the ground beneath your feet remove itself. I blame the alcohol coursing through my veins at the time; it was a stupid idea to drink, especially when in the company of Noah Puckerman. Not that he would ever dare to make a move on me with the glaring eyes of Sam Evans watching his every move. I don’t know what gave Sam the impression that I was something he could claim though, maybe it was when I had accepted the ring he offered me. It was a security that I couldn’t afford not taking.

 

I saw her. I’d known her practically my whole life but for the first time I _actually_ saw her.

 

It hit me like morphine in my veins. All the evidence was there, it had always been there. My paternal grandfather passed away when I was young, too young to remember the horrible man that he actually was to other people, but I did remember how I asked my mother what happened when you died. She gave me the dumbed-down standard Catholic explanation, hoping to ease my small and wandering mind. My sister, however, told me that right before you die, you see your whole life played out like a movie before you. What was happening in my mind at that moment must have been what she was talking about. Things that I didn’t even remember happening were playing before my closed eyelids, things that I never wanted to remember again.

 

She was beautiful.

 

It was ten minutes to midnight and couples were pairing off as the new year approached. Some people were wearing silly glasses made out of the year, while others were wearing metallic paper hats. Some people had pots and pans, getting ready to bang them into the night air. Tina had supplied everyone with noisemakers. You could feel the anticipation. For one night, we were allowed to be as childish as we wanted. We were allowed to be as loud as we wanted because there were people houses down that were surely louder than us.

 

The glee club was under the same roof, the original glee club, from when we started. Kurt was back and Matt even made the trip to see his old friends. They both brought some of their new friends and of course everyone took a liking to them.

 

Santana was making flirtatious eyes at Puck while Brittany sat on Artie’s lap. Tina and Mike were thumb wrestling while Kurt and his _friend_ were animatedly talking to Mercedes. Finn and Rachel were sitting across from Sam and I on the wrap around couch, the boys were sharing weight lifting tricks. Everything just seemed so normal. Two years ago it wouldn’t have felt normal.

 

The alcohol was my camouflage. It was blatantly obvious that I’d been quietly watching her as I lazily sat on the dark green couch. Not caring that my posture was not what a young lady’s posture should look like. I was too drunk to care about that, but for some reason, I was too drunk _and_ cared that Rachel was upset about something.

 

She was so beautiful and it was obvious that she was so sad.

 

“Excuse me,” she politely spoke up before getting off the couch. Her red cup appeared to be empty and she made her way towards the kitchen.

 

Finn didn’t even bother to turn and look at her. For someone that was trying to get back into their girlfriend’s good graces, he was failing effortlessly. I could see Rachel out of the corner of my eye, always aware of where she was for some reason. She didn’t come back and it had been a few minutes.

 

“Babe? Where you going? You’re gonna miss midnight,” Sam, always so curious and careful.

 

My eyes were on the entrance to the kitchen, I could only see half of the room from where I was and something in me begged to see the other half.

 

“Just getting a refill,” I answered absentmindedly.

 

He didn’t respond, he went back to telling Finn what he ate after his Saturday workouts.

 

Rachel’s wasn’t in the kitchen but I did take a minute to refill my drink and downed it almost immediately. The alcohol stopped burning a few drinks before, my throat numb to the liquid poison that always got me into more trouble than one should allow. I took a chance and walked out the side door, not knowing what I would find.

  
Of course, it was Rachel. She always was predictable. If we had been in school, she’d of been in the auditorium.

 

“Quinn,” she wiped her eyes furiously, obviously startled by my presence. I was a little startled by my presence too.

 

“You okay?”

 

She nodded, “Just getting some fresh air. What are you doing out here?”

 

“Oh um, Finn asked me to check on you,” I lied.

 

The sad look in her eyes was back.

 

“Right, heavens forbid he should check on me himself,” she mumbled, I berated myself.

 

“Uh, I lied.”

 

She looked up suddenly, confusion and worry plastered on her face easily. For someone claiming to be a divine actress, she wore her emotions quite well.

 

“He didn’t ask me to come out here to check on you.”

 

Her face fell immediately.

 

“I uh, I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

 

She showed the slightest hint of a smile at my confession. I shouldn’t have felt anything for that smile, it was none of my business.

 

She huffed, her hot breath making white smoke in the freezing air, “This is my first New Year’s party.”

 

I had no idea what she was getting at, “Oh?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Are you not having fun or something?”

 

I couldn’t help the faint tone of defense in my voice. If you were invited to a Puckerman party then you were lucky enough, everyone had fun at one of his parties.

 

“It’s not that,” she struggled, “it’s just—”

 

I looked back in the house through the door, everyone laughing and talking animatedly on mute. It still amazed me how well people could get along when we weren’t in the halls of McKinley. I turned back to Rachel, she looked like she was in physical pain over something.

 

“Spit it out, Berry. I don’t have all night, it’s almost midnight.”

 

She was wringing her hands together nervously. She was making me nervous just by watching her.

 

“You know you spend the new year how you spend New Year’s Eve?”

 

I used to tell myself that as well but how could I believe that after everything I’d been through up to that point. It used to be the most important thing on my mind when deciding what to do on New Years. It didn’t matter, I always ended up at Puck’s.

 

“You really believe that?” I asked.

 

“I’d like to.”

 

“So what’s the problem? You’re in there with Hudson, why are you sulking out here?”

 

She crossed her arms over her chest protectively; it was far more different than when she would normally cross her arms. She seemed to sink into her own body, a sure sign that her defenses were wearing down.

 

“Forget it, Quinn. Go back inside to Sam as I’m sure he’s looking for you.”

 

I wasn’t sure if it was meant to be an insult to herself or not; that my boyfriend probably _was_ looking for me while hers didn’t seem to notice the obvious sadness she’s had all night.

 

She turned away from me.

 

“I didn’t mean that,” I spoke up, it would have been so much easier to just go back inside and pretend I never cared about her in the first place. But I did care, and ultimately that won out. “What’s this all about?” I gestured towards her and the bushes around us, not that she could have seen me.

 

Her shoulders shrugged, her back still turned towards me, “I don’t know if that’s how I want to spend the rest of the year.”

 

“You mean with Finn?”

 

She nodded wordlessly and finally turned back around. I bit my lip and looked down.

 

“I should want to spend tonight with my boyfriend, I should want to kiss him at midnight, and I should be looking forward to the new year with him.”

 

I didn’t know what to respond with, half of me begged to find out why she didn’t want any of those things, and the other half of me felt some weird relief that was unexplainable. So I ignored it.

 

I understood it, I really did. I just didn’t have anything to offer her.

 

“I’ve never been kissed at midnight,” she continued after my elongated silence.

 

“A lot of people haven’t,” I countered, hoping to make her feel somewhat better.

 

“I don’t want my first time to be with him.”

 

I didn’t feel comfortable asking if she was referring to a kiss at midnight or having sex. We were acquaintances at this point, but certain things were above our friend level.

 

Suddenly the music got louder and a blast of heat rushed the side of my body. I turned to find Sam.

 

“What are you doing out here?”

 

I cleared my throat and turned to look at him before allowing my eyes to go back to Rachel. They did that a few times.

 

“Umm, Rachel got sick. I’m keeping her company,” I lied.

 

Rachel was just out of Sam’s eye line from where he was standing in the doorway, I could see from the corner of my eye that she was confused and so was he.

 

“Give me a few minutes,” I told him, biting back my irritation.

 

“There’s like 30 seconds until Midnight,” he whined.

 

“Sam, please.”

 

“Fine,” he sighed before finally closing the door.

 

“What are you doing?” she asked when I turned to look at her.

 

I shrugged, I had no idea what I was doing.

 

“I don’t want you to regret starting your new year with something you don’t want to do,” I answered. It surprised me that an explanation could come out of my mouth so easily.

 

“You’re gonna miss midnight,” she replied, unsure of why I was being so caring.

 

I could hear everyone inside starting to count down. It didn’t feel like I was missing much.

 

“It’s overrated,” I answered, throwing her a small smile.

 

We were silent as we listened to the yelling of our friends, we could hear other house parties doing the same thing.

 

I couldn’t deny the strange and unexpected attraction I felt for Rachel that night and I couldn’t really explain the need to stay with her as the clock ran down.

 

Both of our heads turned towards the house when the yelling reached its peak.

 

“Well, Happy New Year’s, Quinn.”

 

“You too.”

 

The pots and pans rang throughout the street, getting louder and louder as more people joined. Suddenly the side door opened once again.

 

“Rach?”

 

I bit back the distaste I felt at hearing her name coming from his mouth. After learning the new information about Rachel’s true feelings for the boy, I couldn’t help but blame him entirely for ruining her New Years, and maybe mine for that matter.

 

She looked at me in panic, her eyes wide.

 

“Finn, why don’t you—” I began.

 

It was too late, he’d already stepped through the threshold and began stalking his way towards the petite girl, not even realizing that I was trying to speak to him.

 

Her figure disappeared around his large arms and stocky body, I looked down in order to avoid the scene.

 

“Sam said you were sick,” he said to her.

 

I couldn’t hear the response that she mumbled into him but I’d already seen enough.

 

“I’m gonna just,” I started, Finn continued to ignore me as he watched Rachel carefully, “go,” I finished lamely.

 

I didn’t know what was wrong with me.

 

“Quinn,” Rachel called out as I made my way up the steps, she somehow escaped the embrace of the giant and reached out for my hand, she squeezed it once as she looked up at me, “Thank you,” she whispered.

 

I gave her a faint smile and with that came a silent understanding.

 

Sam found me a few minutes later in the kitchen, I refused to think about Rachel and Finn still being outside together, and it was easier to forget about it if I just drank it from a solo cup.

 

“There you are babe,” he snuck up behind me and for some reason I felt dirty when he circled his hands around my waist.

 

I let him continue to kiss me, because when I closed my eyes, I could almost pretend that it wasn’t him.

 

It took the party longer than normal to die down, and it could probably be credited to the fact that there really wasn’t a curfew on New Years. People were still drinking and still having fun, nearly three hours later.

 

My eyes had been on Rachel practically the rest of the night, I wasn’t sure if she was aware of them or not. She actually was an incredible actress when she needed to be and that was the only thing that settled my stomach when I’d hear her laugh at something Finn would say.

 

It was completely unlike me to be so enthralled with someone and be so open about it. It could be entirely blamed on the diet soda and vodka that I’d been drinking since I arrived at the house.

 

“You kissed Berry at midnight, didn’t you?”

 

I felt the couch dip next to me a few seconds before but I didn’t turn to see who it was. I should have, maybe I could have curbed my blatant intrigue with the singer across the room. I was busted as far as I was concerned.  

 

“What are you talking about, Santana?”

 

“Don’t play with me, Q. You were both _MIA_ and I think you tongued.”

 

My face betrayed my internal reaction, “Gross, she wasn’t feeling well,” I told her, the lies still flowing easily.

 

I felt Santana’s shrug on my shoulder, “Maybe you should of, ‘cause then you’d be the one that has Rachel’s attention instead of that ogre.”

 

I took my time in drinking from the cup, needing to stall in order to find a response for Santana.

 

“You spend the next year how you spend New Year’s Eve,” she continued.

 

I groaned inwardly and rolled my eyes, “Not you too.”

 

“I have a feeling you’re going to be watching Berry from a far for the next year if you don’t do something about it.”

 

Santana was infuriating almost all of the time, she had this way about her that she could spit the truth and would remain unharmed. She was always convinced she was right. But as I turned to study her, I noticed her gaze lingering toward something she wanted as well, something she’d wanted for a while. I felt bad for her, she actually had the opportunity to do something about it, but she was afraid. I could have retorted with a witty _practice what you preach_ comeback but something told me that she was trying to save me from heartache that she knew about first hand. Brittany was smiling for someone else now and that killed her.

 

“And don’t even get me started on the lack of your denial,” her smug smile was back in place.

 

She patted my thigh before sauntering towards Puck, she’d never learn. I turned my attention away from them when they started to kiss. My eyes found Rachel, she’d been watching me and didn’t mind getting caught. I took a deep breath and began gnawing on the inside of my lower lip. If I went through with what I was about to, there was no turning back.

 

I stood from the couch before anyone else could join me and I walked up to the small group listening to Finn tell a story that most likely didn’t matter to anyone but him. Rachel had somewhat of a confused smile on her face as I approached her.

 

“Help me with something?” I asked lowly, already grabbing her forearm.

 

She nodded before turning back to the group, when no one acknowledged her departure she began pulling me away instead.

 

Once we were down the foyer she stopped walking and laughed, “I don’t know my way around this house,” she admitted, “You needed help with something?”

 

“Yeah, follow me,” I gulped, I was going to do this, regardless of the consequences. In the end, I could blame it on the alcohol.

 

She followed me up the stairs and down the short hallway until we stopped in front of a door with a _caution_ sign on it. I opened it, the smell of cologne and general boy hitting us with full force.

 

She closed the door behind her.

 

“Why are we in Puck’s room?” she asked, looking around and clearly becoming bashful once she noted his choice in décor. The half naked girls made me blush the first time I was in his room too.

 

“Stand here,” I told her before walking around his bed and towards his night stand.

 

“How drunk are you?” she asked me, slightly amused.

 

“Drunk enough,” I threw over my shoulder, “but that doesn’t matter.”

 

I found his alarm clock sitting exactly where I knew it would be and it took me a few tries to set the clock back to the time I wanted.

 

Her brows were furrowed when she read the new time on the clock. _11:59_.

 

I was already back in front of her by the time the realization dawned on her face.

 

“Quinn,” she whispered.

 

I’d lose my nerve if I thought about it any longer.

 

I stepped closer to her and when she didn’t move out of my way, my lips hesitantly pressed against hers. She gasped out and simultaneously I felt her hand on the back of my neck, pulling me into her. My eyes were slammed shut as I felt her finger nails dig into my skin, my hand gripping her hip as I slowly backed her up near the door. I was moving on pure adrenaline even though my body felt entirely paralyzed as it pressed flush against her. How could something feel _so_ good? Her other hand fell down to my hip while my free hand gently guided her backwards. She let out a small whimper as her back hit the bedroom door with small force. The movement causing us to break apart for a couple of seconds.

 

“You needed a new year’s kiss,” I told her breathlessly as she pulled away a few inches to look at me.

 

I hissed lowly as I felt her grip around my neck tighten, her lips crashing back into mine without any warning. Her lips moved frantically against mine, not getting enough of me, and the thought alone made my entire body quiver. I pressed further into her and didn’t seem to have any trouble keeping up when I felt her tongue against mine. Her mouth was warm, and I could taste the lingering alcohol from earlier. It was oddly enticing.

 

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” she breathed against me, making no move to push me away, if anything she was pulling me closer, “We both have boyfriends,” she tried again, her palms on my cheeks.

 

“I know,” I replied, my throat dry and itchy, “We should stop,” I answered absently, my lips traveling to the corner of her mouth and along her jaw.

 

I felt her moan as it traveled through her body.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay,” I smirked against her before finding my way back to her swollen lips, latching on for dear life.

 

We continued to kiss, too intimate for a drunken hookup but too sloppy for something deeper. It was just me doing her a favor, and her getting the kind of kiss she’d always wanted…and then some. A lot more of it.

 

Neither of us heard the knock on the door, or maybe we did and wrote it off as coming from one of us. It wasn’t until the knock got louder and a voice accompanied it.

 

“Rach?  You in here?” the voice sounded through the other side of the door.

 

I could feel Rachel tense beneath me as I had her pressed against the door that her boyfriend was on the other side of. We were so dead.

 

I groaned lowly and dropped my head to her shoulder; she made no move to push me away so I wasn’t going anywhere. Besides, I needed her to hold me up, I had the strangest feeling I’d collapse if she moved away.

 

“Yes! I’ll be down in a second,” she squeaked, I laughed against her collarbone, her low cut v-neck sweater had shifted a bit during our impromptu _get together_.

 

She inhaled sharply as I found my lips moving against her skin, a blank canvas that was _dying_ to be painted on with my tongue. I shivered when she subconsciously dropped her head back to give me a better angle.

 

“You okay?” You could tell he was nervous, as if he was ready to break the door down.

 

I bit down softly at the base of her neck.

 

“I’m fine,” she hissed out.

 

She pushed me back by my shoulders and held me up right, her eyes throwing knives at me. My eyes felt heavy as I watched her flushed cheeks redden after I gave her a taunting smirk.

 

“You sure?”

 

He had chose _that_ moment to start caring?

 

Her head ducked back towards me and I felt her lips press against mine again, perhaps silencing me or perhaps because she couldn’t resist. I really couldn’t resist her in that moment, I had a taste and I wanted the whole thing. Adrenaline was pumping through me, her lips jumpstarted my racing heart once again, I felt invincible as I realized that her boyfriend was on the other side of the door and she chose to continue to kiss me as if she had no other option.

 

“Stop it,” she whispered lowly to me, playfully with hints of teasing. God, she was intoxicating.

 

I rolled my eyes and turned my head to gaze at the clock, 12:11.

 

She cleared her throat expertly, “Yes, I’m positive.”

 

“Oh, okay. Hey, is Quinn in there with you?”

 

Both of our eyes went wide. I wasn’t expecting to hear my name, it was like a punch in the gut.

 

“Sam can’t find her anywhere,” he added.

 

I shook my head no, hoping that she’d listen to me. The last thing I wanted to do was see my boyfriend who couldn’t turn me on nearly as much as Rachel just did in the last ten minutes. Not even close.

 

“Yes, we’re talking,” she answered.

 

I sighed and pulled away from her. She took the opportunity to straighten her outfit and run some fingers through her tousled hair. I should have probably done the same thing but I was too busy thinking about what just happened. What was the matter with me?

 

“Talking about what?” I could practically see his confusion.

 

“Um, girl things?”

 

“Gross.”

 

I sat on Puck’s bed, my head in my hands. I was so screwed.

 

“Quinn?” Rachel hesitantly approached me, I rubbed my hands over my face before looking up to find her worried expression, “I should, um…” she gestured towards the door with her thumb.

 

Of course, why would I have thought anything would change? I was drunk and she was sad.

 

“No, yeah. Go ahead, I’ll um, see you at school in a few days,” I answered.

 

She looked like she had wanted to stay, or further inquire what had happened between us, but she turned back towards the door. I looked away as her hand went to the doorknob. I had no right to want to reach out to her, to demand her to stay, to try and convince her to be with me. It didn’t mean that I didn’t want those things, I just had no business wishing for them. When did I become so disillusioned?

 

“Um, thanks Quinn, for ya know, this.”

 

God, it was so awkward.

 

“Anytime,” I answered, I threw myself back on the bed when I heard the door close. “Such a freakin’ idiot,” I mumbled to the ceiling.


	2. I Have A Dream

I’d come to entertain the idea, rather quickly, that it was my fate and I’d have to bear whatever burden it brought me. It wasn’t the acceptance that gave me trouble; it was the fact that I could do nothing about it. I was essentially paralyzed so I made a choice later that week as I sat in my bedroom after dinner. No one was _ever_ going to find out about the predicament I was in, not Finn or anyone else in glee club, especially not Rachel. She was the star in this entire fucked up, unwritten, and secret fairytale of mine…but I couldn’t let her know. The sadistic torture I put myself through was well deserved, I continued on with business as usual, not once letting off that I had a crush on someone I used to and still kind of pretended to hate. I had Sam, my boyfriend at the time, and Rachel was with Finn. Even if I wanted to act, I was at a dead-end. I refused to ruin another life because I was selfish. Besides, how could I shame my family for the second time in under a year? We were star-crossed lovers in every definition of the overused term.

 

It’s not even like the kiss meant anything to her. And it _shouldn’t_ have meant anything to me either. That was the embarrassing part, that I hadn’t been able to get it out of my head. I was Quinn Fabray and I shouldn’t have been daydreaming of the time I drunkenly hooked up with Rachel Berry.

 

I had to admit, I was a little confused when a week had gone by after our encounter at Puck’s house and she hadn’t dedicated a song to me in glee. It was just me being conceded, thinking that I was someone that she’d sing to. It was stupid. I sat on the risers day in and day out as Rachel belted her little heart out to Finn Hudson, wearing her heart of her sleeve, and letting everybody know how hopelessly devoted she was to him.

 

Honestly. She sang _Hopelessly Devoted to You_.

 

It infuriated me that I cared so much.

 

“Okay guys, as you know we don’t have school on Monday,” Mr. Schuester announced.

 

“Mr. Schue, if I may?”

 

“Sure Rachel,” Mr. Schuester gestured, “Go ahead.”

 

Mr. Schuester took his seat on one of the stools and gave the floor to Rachel. She stood and made her way down to the floor, fixing her hair as she made her way center stage.  

 

“As you all know, Martin Luther King Jr. was an extraordinary man and an inspiring civil rights activist, we could all take a page from his memoir. In fact, I may not be here today if not for Martin’s perseverance and bravery. Assuming you have all read the _About Me_ section on my Facebook page, you’re all aware of the fact that my family is one-half African American. I would like support from my fellow peers in the celebration of the freedom we all have that my ancestors used to pray for.”

 

“Oh hell no. You know nothing—”

 

“That being said,” Rachel continued undeterred, “I propose that we all go to the parade on Monday to show our support for everything he fought hard to achieve. I took the liberty of arranging a few inspirational songs that we could sing if we were so inclined, but I believe just being there will show just how united a front we can be.”   

 

Everyone stared blankly at her and I had to put my hand over my mouth to hide my smirk.  

 

“It would be a good bonding experience?” she tried.

 

“I think it’s a good idea, Rachel.”

 

Rachel smiled towards Mr. Schuester, he really changed his attitude towards the club after the holidays. He stopped taking his anger over Ms. Pillsbury and Carl out on us and started being the teacher that we remembered from the beginning.

 

The last thing I wanted to do on a Monday off from school was stand outside in the cold winter weather and watch a bunch of people walk by me on a crowded street. Our high school marching band was considered one of the main acts and they were atrocious. I found myself cursing at the clock in my car as I sat at a red light a few blocks away from where Rachel told everyone to meet her. I was running late and I really didn’t feel like dealing with getting reprimanded by the smaller girl for being irresponsible.

 

It took a long time to find a parking spot and even longer to get through the crowd to the location of the table Rachel set up in order to promote the glee club.

 

“Sorry I’m late. Where is everyone?” I asked, I could feel my nose was already minutes from falling off.

 

I wasn’t even outside for 5 minutes and it was _that_ cold already.

 

I should have brought another pair of gloves.

 

Instead of pointing towards a general area of where I assumed the rest of the club was gathered she just shrugged sadly and threw her hands into the pockets of her pea coat, utterly dejected.

 

“No one showed?”

 

She shook her head back and forth.

 

I sighed out; sometimes the actions of the members in the club could make me feel disgusted to be a part of something like that.

 

“Finn?”

 

Surely he wouldn’t be as cold to of completely blown off Rachel’s wishes that the club bond, he was supposed to be our fearless leader. He was _supposed_ to be striving to be the perfect boyfriend that Rachel needed him to be.

 

She didn’t answer and somehow I had my answer.

 

“You can leave if you want,” she told me, “I appreciate your effort but I think I’m going to just find my parents and go home.”

 

I’d seen the life sucked out of her far too many times for it to be considered normal. People let her down constantly and I refused to be that again.

 

The thought of curling up on the couch at my house with a good movie on was very tempting to me. It was absolutely freezing in Lima at that time of the year, and I was crazy to even consider willingly staying outside when warmth could be provided to me in minutes.

 

“No, it’s fine.”

 

“Quinn, you don’t have to.”

 

“I said it was fine.”

 

She closed her mouth, whatever she was going to say was probably something that would have rewarded her with an agitated response from me so she decided not to continue convincing me that it was okay to leave.

 

After a few more minutes of standing next to Rachel, I barely noticed how cold it was. It could probably be attributed to the fact that I was numb or frostbitten already.

  
Rachel’s parents found us at the end of the parade, both looking like they could use a huge mug of hot chocolate.

 

“No one showed up, Sweetie?”

 

The expression on the man’s face—who I’d later come to know as Michael—was something like the same expression Rachel had on when I first asked her where everyone was. It broke my heart.

 

Rachel was about to open her mouth to answer.

 

“They just left,” I piped up, unsure of where my instinctual need came from to not let her fathers know the truth, “It was too cold out here for some of them,” I smiled, “But we all had such a fun time.”

 

It wasn’t a complete lie; I did have a good time while I was making fun of some of the onlookers as Rachel tried to disguise her smile when she’d attempt to reprimand me.

 

Rachel’s other father, Brian, smiled warmly. Part of me knew that he understood what I was doing and he seemed grateful.

 

“Oh no!” Michael gestured with his hands, something similar to _Aw Shucks_ , “I wanted to meet them.”

 

I could still feel Rachel’s eyes on me, curiously studying me and my actions.

 

“Well Quinn, would you like to come back to the house for some lunch and hot apple cider?”

 

It didn’t occur to me at the time that the man already knew my name.

 

“Oh no, she doesn’t want—”

 

“I’d love to,” I smiled.

 

Both men smiled wide, pleased that I’d accepted their offer. Michael nudged his frosty glasses further up his nose, clapped his hands and began planning wildly about what they could get for lunch. Brian chuckled at his husband’s antics and their interactions made me smile wider.

 

“We’ll see you girls at home,” Brian laughed as he pulled the man away.

 

Rachel and I walked in silence on the way to my car. It took a while but I finally managed to find it amongst the hundreds of other ones. Luckily some of the freshman on the Cheerios just cleaned out the mess that covered the front and back seat of my car. I would have been strangely embarrassed for some reason if Rachel were to see how big of a slob I could be.

 

It wasn’t until the third red light we hit that Rachel spoke up. It was only a matter of time.

 

“Why did you do that? Lie to my fathers like that?”

 

I knew that she was upset; I couldn’t tell if it was because I would lie to her parents or if it was the content of my lie.

 

How would I explain to her _why_ I would do that? I lied because I didn’t want her fathers to be disappointed in their daughter.

 

I didn’t answer.

 

She looked out the window and began gnawing on her lower lip.

 

“You know, I’m not dense. I knew that no one would show up…”

 

I stayed silent as I began to drive some more.

 

“But you were the last person I expected to show up at all.”

 

“Why?”

 

That time she was the one that stayed silent.

 

The only words that were spoken were her one word directions to her house. I already knew how to get there but I allowed her to navigate me. We rolled to a stop in front of her house and she unbuckled her seatbelt as I turned the car off.

 

“You know, you don’t have to feel sorry for me. You can just go home; you don’t have to come in for lunch.”

 

I pulled the keys out of the ignition and opened the driver’s side door.

 

“I’m hungry,” I called to her over the roof of the car as I shielded myself from the wind that started to pick up, “And I don’t feel sorry for you.”

 

I followed her into the house and unbundled the four layers of clothing that I had put on to protect myself from the weather before I sat on the couch. Rachel went into the kitchen.

 

“I was going to have everyone come back here for a gathering to show my appreciation for their support so my fathers got a few light hors d’oeuvres,” She set a few trays on the island that separated the kitchen and living room, “Nothing too fancy, there’s some crudités and fruit, and cheese with crackers,” she shrugged as she went back to the fridge, “You can help yourself.”

 

I got up from the couch and made my way to the island. I wasn’t sure if she was downplaying how much work she put into the platter displays or if that was not fancy enough for her but it looked better than any platter my mother got for her dinner parties. I picked around at the food; I wasn’t lying when I told her that I was starving.

 

Rachel’s fathers came back shortly after we brought the trays of food into the living room. Her couch was comfortable and huge, it was one of those wrap around couches that my mother would never think to replace her antique furniture with.

 

“So what do you want to do?”

 

It shouldn’t have been as awkward as we were making it; then again the last time we actually spoke to each other was after we had made out for nearly ten minutes.

 

Rachel devoured the fresh vegetables while I stuck to the cheese and crackers. Occasionally we both reached for the fruit platter at the same time and both of us pulled our hands back as if we’d touched fire. When we became these middle school kids with cooties, I wasn’t sure.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Why don’t you girls watch a movie?” one of the men chimed in from the kitchen, “Lunch is done,” he announced as he walked into the living room, handing us our separate plates.

 

Rachel looked at me to see if it was an acceptable activity to partake in and I shrugged. Anything to break the uncomfortable tension we’d already created. She allowed me to choose the movie and I made sure to pick something that I knew she would like.

 

I settled into the couch and began eating the food that the men prepared for us.

 

Rachel would glance at me every few minutes.

 

“What?” I finally gave in and asked.

 

“How is your food?”

 

I finished swallowing the last bite and brushed my hands on my jeans, “Really good.”

 

She smiled and nodded, continuing her own food. She set her plate on the coffee table and reached behind her to grab the throw blanket off the back of the couch. I immediately became jealous of the warmth she was in.

 

“Can I have one?” I asked, my body temperature was still cold from the morning we spent outside.

 

She handed me the one that was spread across her and made a move to get off the couch.

 

“Where are you going?” I asked.

 

She pointed towards the staircase, “I was just going to get another blanket from my room.”

 

I laughed, “We could have shared this one, it’s not like I’m gonna bite you.”

 

I grimaced as my eyes glanced over her neck, the bite mark was long gone—if it had even been there to begin with— but I knew that I sunk my teeth into her on New Years. She seemed to have understood my expression and cleared her throat. I could seriously be the biggest moron in the world sometimes.

 

“It’s quite alright, this one isn’t nearly big enough for the two of us,” she gestured.

 

I nodded and put my eyes back on the television, I refused to show my sudden attitude regarding the blanket sharing. I had no reason to suddenly start giving her the cold shoulder but sometimes my stubbornness went too far. She stood above me for a few long seconds as I pretended to pay attention to the movie before she walked towards the foyer and disappeared up the stairs.

 

Rachel came back down the steps less than a minute later. Even though I was fully aware of her approaching me, I kept my eyes on the TV so that I wouldn’t have to look at her.

 

I felt the blanket drape on top of me and I turned to finally look at her.

 

“Berry, it’s fine.”

 

“You’re obviously upset.”

 

“Why would I be upset?”

 

I had no idea why I was in fact upset and I was hoping that she’d tell me why I had any reason to be.

 

“I don’t know, why don’t you tell me?”

 

“Whatever,” I mumbled, I didn’t remove the blanket and I think it made it that much more awkward between us.

 

I couldn’t explain or understand the urge inside me that wanted to be closer to her. I had no right to want to migrate towards her, to hold her hand, to flirt with her, to kiss her cheek; to do anything remotely intimate with her. It didn’t mean that I didn’t want to. It was empowering my mind to the point where I couldn’t even remember the name of the movie that I had picked. I was being silly and childish, throwing a silent hissy fit when I was denied sharing a blanket with her at first, or reaching forward to get a piece of fruit so that when I  sat back there was a chance I would get an inch closer to her. I put my hand palm up on the top of the blanket on the off chance that she wanted to hold it. I exaggeratedly yawned a few times hoping that she would scoot closer to me and snuggle into my body. It was entirely pathetic.

 

At the end of the first movie the angels that I had been praying to finally listened. After she got up to put in a new DVD she sat significantly closer to me before grasping onto my knee.

 

“Before, when I said I didn’t expect you to show up? Well, I’m glad that you were the one that actually did,” she smiled genuinely, “I can’t imagine watching a movie with Santana or something,” she giggled and I smiled back, “This is fun right? Lounging around and watching movies all day?”

 

I didn’t know what universe she was living in that made her think that it was fun, by merely sitting next to her I was more stressed than I would be if I was taking the _SATs_. I was hyper-aware of everything and it was driving me crazy.

 

I pulled my arm out from under the blanket and placed my hand on top of hers.

 

“I’m having a good time,” I told her, I received a beaming smile.

 

It was my chance and I feared it would be my only chance for the rest of my life.

 

I kept my hand on top of hers. I don’t know if she made an effort to remove her hand but she accepted that I wasn’t planning on moving it anytime soon. Every couple of minutes she would wiggle her fingers, causing my fingers to wiggle as well. It was like we were silently communicating in some weird code where if her fingers twitched it meant that she was asking if it was okay and if mine twitched back it meant that it was more than okay.

 

I worked up enough courage to hesitantly run my thumb in circles over the back of her hand and after about ten minutes she turned her hand over. I swallowed before taking the last step of intertwining our fingers together. God, I felt like I had just won an Olympic medal.

 

Towards the end of the second movie I couldn’t take it any longer.

 

“Are we ever going to talk about what happened?”

 

“What are you talking about?” her eyebrows were scrunched into confusion and it would have been adorable if I wasn’t so desperate for her to understand what I was referring to.

 

“New Years?” I clarified.

 

“I was under the impression that you wouldn’t want to talk about it.”

 

“What gave you that impression?”

 

“Well when you didn’t say a word to me on the first day back at school, I figured you either didn’t remember or you just wanted to forget about it.”

 

I _had_ wanted to forget about it only because it was tiring how much I actually thought about it.

 

“I was going to,” I replied, rather sheepishly, “You seemed to be on good terms with Finn and I don’t know, I just…” I trailed off lamely.

 

I didn’t know where my confidence came from on New Years because that was the farthest thing from who I was when it came to relationships. Finn was easy to control and Sam was pretty easy to maintain but Rachel, Rachel was different. She made me second guess myself a lot of the time, she always had me wondering if who I was would be good enough for her.

 

“So you remember?”

 

I nodded.

 

“Are you ashamed?”

 

I looked up, “I don’t think that’s what this is,” I answered honestly.

 

She seemed to understand what I was really getting at.

 

“Well we’re holding hands.”

 

I glanced down to our hands; her thumb was the one drawing reassuring circles now.

 

“We are.”

 

“And you’re not freaking out.”

 

I laughed softly, I should have been freaking out, “Neither are you.”

 

“No,” she replied just as soft, “I’m not.”

 

The movie was momentarily forgotten in the background as her eyes continued to meet mine. There was something so intimate about the moment that should have been suffocating me, I should have put miles between us the second I felt something more than friendly for her. I shouldn’t of really ever felt friendly toward her in the first place but that ship had long since sailed. I should have never gone to Puck’s on New Year’s, I should have never drank that much, and I absolutely should have never led her upstairs to a secluded bedroom with the intentions of kissing the life out of her. But I did, and I’d have to deal with the consequences of being attracted to someone that I could never have. It was all part of the sadistic torture I was talking about.

 

She returned my shy smile and I found myself no longer considering that she was something I could never have.

 

“You are an incredibly talented kisser, Quinn. You somehow managed to dominate the situation while staying passive. It was truly an experience that I wouldn’t mind doing again; it was very hard to have to go back to the likes of Finn after something like _that._ ”

 

I didn’t think I could blush as hard as I did.

 

“You were um,” I looked down to hide my smile, “You were really good, um too,” her teeth were showing as she smiled, she found it amusing that I was struggling, “Like, really good.”

 

“I’m glad to hear it.”

 

We stared at each other for a few seconds, the grin on my face made me feel goofy but Rachel had an equally goofy grin on her face too.

 

“How is the movie, girls?” Mr. Berry asked as he appeared in the kitchen.

 

The two men were watching their own movie in the basement.

 

We pulled our hands away mutually and sat up a little straighter, we’d somehow subconsciously shifted towards one another during the movie and realized it then. Luckily, Mr. Berry hadn’t looked in the living room yet.

 

“Very good!” Rachel answered for us.

 

I brought my hand under the blanket and rubbed my palms on my knees, hoping to make the tingles go away.

 

“Good to hear,” the other man came up behind his husband; their movie had just finished presumably.

 

I felt Rachel’s hand skim over my knee on its search for my own hand, she slid it with mine once again and secretively we held hands while her parents were in the next room. It was an adrenaline rush I wouldn’t mind repeating over and over again.

 

“Quinn? Would you like to stay for dinner tonight?”

 

I glanced at Rachel to gauge the proper response; she was biting her lower lip and looked somewhat hopeful.

 

“Sure, that’d be nice.”

 

Rachel squeezed my hand under the blanket while both of her fathers beamed back at me.

 

Though I was tremendously grateful that the other members in glee never showed up that day, they still got an earful from me the following day at school before Rachel came into the choir room. They all sat with pouty faces as I berated their decision to be selfish on their day off.

 

Rachel knew something had happened because the minute she walked in, Finn was down her throat with apologies and promises to make it up to her. She glanced at me and I avoided her eyes.

 

We didn’t further talk about what had happened on New Years and we didn’t acknowledge why we held hands throughout the rest of the movie that night, or any other night after that. But I enjoyed Rachel’s company and I grew closer to her every time we hung out. It started differently each time. In the beginning she would approach me after glee club and tell me that her fathers enjoyed my company, and she would extend an invitation for me to come over for dinner. Of course I’d accept. Her parents were phenomenal cooks. We’d sit at the dining room table and get our homework out of the way while her parents prepared dinner in the next room. She’d tap her pencil on the tabletop and instead of being agitated by the noise, it helped me focus even more. After dinner we’d take to the wrap-around couch and depending on the night we’d either watch primetime television with her parents or watch a movie.

 

It wasn’t every day but I still hoped each morning that I’d get an invitation to her home.

 

Sometimes she would leave a note in my locker.

 

_Stuffed Shells tonight?_

 

Other times she would blatantly lie.

 

“I can’t tonight Finn, it’s family night.”

 

“Last Friday was family night,” He whined.

 

“Well I’m sorry, my parents take quality bonding time quite seriously,” She argued back.

 

“Well what about Saturday? We can see the movie then.”

 

Rachel’s eyes connected with mine. It always made me increasingly nervous when our eyes would meet in public, like people would be able to tell the obvious crush I had on her, like they’d be able to see the truth behind the lies we told.

 

I felt a nudge on my shoulder and turned my attention to Sam.   


“Did you hear me? My parents are away this weekend,” he grinned.

 

“I have to go to Cleveland with my Mom,” I lied.

 

“You went to Cleveland last weekend with your Mom.”

 

Rachel was still watching me with amused eyes as Finn gave her the guilt trip. I stared back openly while Sam looked at me expectantly.

 

“We like Cleveland.”

 

I wasn’t even sure that I would be invited to Rachel’s house again that night, but I knew that her family didn’t have Friday family nights. Just like my mother and I both mutually hated Cleveland. I didn’t really know if it was a code that implied I was included in her plans that evening but I didn’t want to risk not being available.

 

I had to keep my weekend open just in case.

 


	3. Groundhog Day

I never really understood what someone was talking about when they’d tell me it was the little things in life that mattered. It seemed stupid to me, why would someone get so excited over something _so_ small and unimportant?

 

That was before I knew what it felt like to have a secret friendship with Rachel Berry.

 

The little things became colossal.

 

Side glances in class, hands brushing in the hallway, coy smiles during lunch, inspirational notes in my locker, _Facebook_ messages during study hall, even the winks before glee rehearsal had me thrilled to be alive. It gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning before my alarm would even sound.

 

But the text messages…the text messages were the best.

 

The vibrations would nearly send me into a cardiac arrest. You weren’t supposed to use your cell phone during school hours so something about the way Rachel would break the rules had me assisting in any way possible.

 

I normally couldn’t get halfway through Spanish before the temptation to talk to Rachel was too strong not to ignore. I’d find the most trivial of reasons to text her.

 

**Brittany just asked Mr. Schuester how his son was doing… sometimes I wonder about her**

**I’ll trade places with you, Santana is giving a presentation on the Broadway curse just to spite me**

 

**What’s the broadway curse?**

**There is no such thing!**

“Quinn, put the phone away…who can tell me the past tense form of this word?”

 

I paid attention for about three minutes before the vibration distracted me once again.

 

**Can you have some words with Santana when you get a chance?**

**I’ve had multiple words with her, what is she doing now?**

**Besides ruining my life?**

**You’re so dramatic, but I’ll talk to her for you**

**I appreciate it**

Sometimes I felt as if Rachel was just as desperate to talk to me as I was to her, it didn’t even matter what we pointlessly conversed about, as long as we were in contact with each other. As each class ended, we’d have a new set of topics to talk about.

 

**Do you think it’s going to snow this weekend?**

I glanced to my left and tilted my head so I could see the sky though the windows I was sitting next to.

 

It didn’t look like it was going to snow, but then again the weekend was 3 days away so anything could happen. I had no idea why she was even asking me about the weather, I was the one that tended to ask _her_ about the weather.

**Don’t you study the weather before you go to bed?**

**I do. I’m just worried the meteorologists are lying to me**

Of course she’d assume that. Rachel Berry tended to believe the entire world revolved around her. It was endearing in an innocent kind of way.

**Why would they lie to you?**

**Why wouldn’t they!?**

I chuckled softly to myself and I felt Santana’s eyes glare at me from her seat next to me. She hated when I’d be on my phone because I think she felt out of the loop and she wasn’t used to feeling that way.

**Just when I think you can’t get any more dramatic**

**You love my dramatics, they make you smile**

It was true. I did love her dramatics and they certainly made me smile. It was because most of the time she was entirely serious.

**That’s not true**

**You forget that we’re in the same classroom right now…I can see you, remember?**

 

I read the text message twice before looking past Santana to see the brown eyes of Rachel Berry smirking at me with a raised eyebrow. She totally caught me as she tended to do, but sometimes I really forgot that we were in the same class because we didn’t act like it. We shouldn’t have been texting during school hours as it was, but we really shouldn’t have been texting while we were in the same room. Only people that are obsessed with each other do that.

 

**You’re a brat**

**Aww you’re blushing now, do I have that great of an effect on you, Quinn Fabray?**

I blushed harder and shook my head as I read the text again.

 

“You look like an idiot,” Santana harshly whispered to me.

 

I ignored her and brought my attention back to my phone. Rachel was waiting for my response.

**Leave me alone**

**You’re going to make me sad**

 

I could look up and seek her out again, she was probably pouting from across the room for the effect.

 

**I’m sure you’ll be just fine**

**Lol if I promise to stop making fun of you, will you be my friend again?**

I took a minute to respond, which was like years in texting time for us. Responses normally came immediately, and if she wasn’t in the same room as me than she’d probably assume I’d been abducted. I just wanted her to sweat it out a little bit.

I finally hit send.

**Only if you also make me apology cookies this weekend**

**Are you finally admitting that I’m a better baker than you?**

I knew that she was a better baker than me. Not that she hadn’t taken the opportunity to tell me every chance she got.

**Was there a competition I was unaware of?**

**Everything is a competition, Quinn**

Such a typical Berry response.

**Right, how could I forget?**

 

Rachel’s name was called out loud by the teacher to answer a question. How she was always able to keep up with a text conversation _and_ pay attention to English Literature, I’d never know.

 

**Sarcasm aside, what are you doing this weekend?**

 

I already made sure that I had nothing to do that weekend, just in case she wanted to do something.

 

**Nothing special, what are you doing?**

**I was wondering if you’d like to have a sleepover**

I read over the last word a few times, that was new for us, as in it had never happened before. A sleepover seemed like a dream come true but I was too awkward for that. It wasn’t enough that I fumbled my words around her when we were alone but to be sleeping next to her? To wake up next to her? What was I going to do?

 

I didn’t know what to respond with and a new message popped up.

**We can invite all the glee girls if you’d feel more comfortable**

My hesitation to respond made her think that I didn’t want to have a sleepover with her and I wanted to kick myself for hesitating at all. I didn’t want the other girls there but I couldn’t very well tell her that.

**Whatever you want, it’s fine either way**

**We can watch movies and pig out on junk food** **J**

I smiled and swiftly typed my response this time.

**How is that any different from what we normally do?**

**I suppose it’s not but my fathers won’t be home and I’d feel much better if I had someone to accompany me on my sporadic searches to ensure there are no serial killers hiding in the closets.**

I laughed out loud and had to disguise it as a cough. Santana shot me another glare and the teacher was starting to get suspicious.

**Dramatic.**

**You could be like my protector?**

I melted at her word choice.

**Do I get to carry a weapon?**

**I have a wooden baseball bat with your name on it**

I would have loved to know where she got a baseball bat from, she was atrocious when it came to athletics. For a dancer and performer, her hand eye coordination was seriously lacking.

**Fine, but the boys can’t find out or else they’ll purposely try to scare us**

**That may be a problem, Noah found out**

Well then it was only a matter of time before there were whisperings of a party at Rachel Berry’s house.

**How did he find out?**

**I may have mentioned it to him in passing**

Never could keep her mouth shut about things.

**Rachel! That was dumb**

**Well now I have an excuse**

The students in the class began to pack up their belongings while the teacher desperately tried to talk over them. No one was listening.

**An excuse for what?**

**For you to be my protector ;-)**

The bell rang loudly, breaking the staring contest I had with the screen of my phone. I did my best not to let my face betray me and reveal my actual emotions regarding her text. I could feel her eyes on me and I knew that if I looked up, she’d have a satisfied smirk on her face as she often did when she caught me off guard. 

 

She walked past my desk on her way to the door and brushed against me on purpose. The confidence she sometimes exuded came out of nowhere. Sure, she was confident when she was singing or playing a part in a play, but this was normal everyday life and she was acting as if she was an award winning celebrity.

I watched her as she went, unable to move until Santana pushed my back so I’d get out of her way.

 

“You need to cut the shit,” she said behind me as we walked down the hall.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“You are being so obvious, it’s almost embarrassing.”

 

I rolled my eyes and continued to walk towards the cafeteria, Brittany waltzed up to us with a smile on her face and fell in line. She whispered something in Santana’s ear and whatever it was had her for a loss of words. _She_ should talk about obvious.

 

The three of us sat at our normal table and Brittany and Santana began discussing the best kissers at the school. I tended to tune out their conversations but my ears perked up.

 

“I wonder if Rachel’s a good kisser,” Brittany wondered.

 

Santana smirked, “I bet she’s really bad.”

 

She was doing it to get a rise out of me and I refused to give her what she wanted. My phone buzzed on the table next to my lunch.

 

**You look like you’re having fun**

I glanced up to see Rachel looking at me and I found myself smiling.

 

**Oh tons of fun -_-**

 

“But she has really nice lips,” Brittany countered.

 

“But that doesn’t matter,” Santana decided, taking a sip of her master-cleanse.

 

“Why doesn’t that matter?” I asked.

 

“Because she’s like a total gnome.”

 

“That doesn’t make sense,” I shot back.

 

**What are you guys talking about?**

**Actually, the two of them are trying to decide whether or not you’re a good kisser**

“Sure it does, her hotness factor drops like 50 points because she’s so short,” Santana said.

**You’re joking**

“I still think she’s kind of hot,” Brittany piped up.

**Wish I was**

**What are they saying?!**

I could see Santana’s jealousy coming out and I laughed to myself before getting back to my conversation with Rachel.

**Well Britt seems to think that you have really nice lips, I’m inclined to agree**

 

**I take very good care of my lips**

**I could tell**

“I can’t believe that you _actually_ think she’s hot,” Santana was rapidly heating up, probably already scheming a way to put Rachel down a few pegs.

 

“She’s like the only one in this school I haven’t made out with,” Brittany shrugged.

 

“That doesn’t mean you need to kiss or think she’s hot.”

My phone buzzed in a new text and I let the two across from me settle their disagreement.

**What else are they saying?**

**Well Santana is now jealous that Brittany thinks you’re hot**

**Oh no, now she’s going to be exceptionally mean to me**

“She’s disgusting,” Santana nearly shrieked in annoyance.

 

I glanced back down to my phone and read over Rachel’s text one more time. She put enough faith in me to protect her that weekend while her parents were away, and I’d been sticking up for her when I could to Santana.

 

I wasn’t supposed to be the one to stay with her when she had the house to herself, and I wasn’t supposed to be the one to put Santana in her place after a rude comment left her lips. Finn was supposed to do those things. Finn was supposed to protect her with a baseball bat when the wind blew hard enough for the tree branches to knock into the window.

 

I could play pretend for a little while longer though.

“Leave Rach alone,” I snapped.

 

“Sorry who’s Rach?”

 

“Duh, Rachel Berry, we’ve only be like talking about her for a few minutes,” Brittany rubbed Santana’s arm.

 

Santana knew who _Rach_ was, she was just making a point to call me out on it.

 

“Since when do you care if I make fun of Berry?”

 

She knew since when, she’d been relentless on trying to get me to admit to having a crush on her. She was convinced that something happened between us on New Years at Puck’s and she was right.

 

“You know, I think maybe _you_ have a crush on her,” I turned the tables on her, “You seem to _love_ talking about her all the time.”  


“I do not,” Santana faltered.

 

“Always commenting on her appearance, going out of your way to be mean to her, and I heard about your little presentation earlier on the Broadway curse.”

 

I soon realized that I wasn’t using the best approach in talking to Santana this way and it was pretty clear it was going to have the opposite effect of what I was hoping for.

 

“I’m a bitch to her because I don’t like her,” Santana argued, “Besides, I’m a bitch to everyone.”

 

Brittany nodded next to her.

 

“Just leave her alone,” I told her, “It’s getting old.”

 

“B, will you go up and steal me a cookie?” Santana nodded her head in the general direction of the front of the cafeteria.

 

Brittany smiled and hopped towards the dessert table, Santana’s small smile vanished as she turned back to face me. Santana didn’t eat cookies, she just wanted Brittany gone for the conversation.

 

“I think you’re just embarrassed that your little crush is the biggest loser in this school,” Santana shot across the table and crossed her arms.

 

“Okay, that was like two years ago, she’s not a loser. Have you forgotten that she’s dated Puck, that senior douche bag from Carmel, _and_ our quarterback?”

 

“Have you forgotten that she’s _still_ dating the quarterback? You need to wake up from this dream you’re having, do you _really_ think that Berry is going to leave Hudson for you?”

 

“No one ever said anything about—”

 

“Why are you even sticking up for her anyway? It’s not like you’re friends, she has no problem ignoring you every day.”

 

“That’s not true,” I started to argue.

 

A satisfied grin was plastered across her face, “Something you wanna share with the class?”

 

“Forget it, just leave Berry alone,” I told her, aggravated that I even let her get to me when I’d been having a perfectly fine day.

 

“I got you chocolate chip,” Brittany stated as she got back to the table, “But I got hungry and ate it.”

 

**Is everything okay? You look upset**

I glanced down at my phone and thought about my response.

 

Santana always knew _exactly_ what to say, whether it was bad or good. Where was the girl that was telling me to go for it on New Years?

 

**Everythings fine**

/

 

“It is a glorious day, the groundhog didn’t see its shadow therefore winter will soon be over,” Rachel announced in front of glee later that day.

 

“Who cares?”

 

“Santana, you should care! Groundhog’s day determines whether or not there are six more weeks of cold weather,” she shrieked.

 

I found it adorable that she was wearing a sweater with a groundhog on it. She told me she was going to the night before when we had been on the phone and I didn’t believe her. Boy, did she prove me wrong.

 

“You don’t actually believe that do you?” Santana asked in a bored tone.

 

“Of course, I do. It’s a proven fact.”

 

“You’re a moron. And you kind of remind me of a groundhog so go burrow back into your hole or something.”

 

I watched from my chair on the top riser, Finn chuckled to himself while Rachel stomped her foot. He didn’t even have the decency to stick up for his girlfriend.

 

Mr. Schuester came in before I could open my mouth to yell at both Santana and Finn.

 

“Hey, so I was thinking,” I started as I approached Rachel at her locker after glee, “Why don’t you come over tonight and we can watch _Groundhog Day_?”

 

She studied me curiously, “Really? I-Is that okay?”

 

“Yeah, I mean my mom will be home but you rarely notice she’s around most of the time anyway. But she’s been asking to meet you and I’m sure she’d like to show off her housewife cooking skills.”

 

She didn’t laugh, “You want me to come to your house?”

 

I took a step back from her after remembering that we were still on school grounds. We didn’t talk in school. We texted and secretly conversed, but never talked.

 

“Yeah, why? Is that weird or something?”

 

I was starting to get nervous, the way I imagined it in my head was much different than what had actually played out. I’d expected her to graciously accept my invitation, maybe hug me, or twirl me around in slow motion. It was clear that I was spending too much time with Rachel Berry.

 

“No, it’s just that normally we’re at my house,” she replied.

 

“So you only want to hang out with me if we’re at your house?”

 

“No, that’s not what I meant.”

 

“It’s fine, Rach. I’ll just come over after Cheerios practice and we can watch the movie at your house.”

 

I was doing it again, I was throwing a subtle hissy-fit. I tended to shut down on her when this happened. It didn’t help that I had Santana’s annoying voice in the back of my head, snickering about how big of a fool I was to believe Rachel and I could ever be actual friends.

 

“No Quinn—”

 

“Am I even invited to your house tonight?”

 

She looked taken back but I didn’t know why. It wasn’t polite to assume. The only time I had been to her house was when she invited me formally.

 

“You’re always invited, you know that,” she said softly.

 

“Great. I’ll see you later.”

 

I had already begun walking away from her. I hated when I got like that but it couldn’t be helped. I had no reason to react that way and I had no reason to assume that Rachel would want to meet my mom. Meet my mom? Jesus, it’s not like we were even dating. What was wrong with me? We were only just becoming friends, it shouldn’t have been as big of a deal as I was trying to make it. But for some reason, I wanted my mom to meet her, if only so that she could put a name to a face. Not because I wanted Rachel to further wiggle her way into my life.

 

Cheerios practice had been grueling that afternoon and it was somewhat welcomed. I barely had time to think of how stubborn I was being about Rachel’s initial reluctance to want to come to my house. I mean, it was just shock right? I didn’t even give her time to properly answer the question.

 

Santana had a particularly rough practice.

 

Rachel was waiting outside my car by the time I made it to the parking lot. I hurried my stride a bit when I saw her. She had to be freezing. Just because the groundhog didn’t see its shadow didn’t mean that it was just going to get warmer immediately.

 

“What are you doing?” I asked, unlocking the doors before ushering her into the passenger seat.

 

“I tried texting you,” She spoke between chattering teeth.

 

I closed the door and jogged around to the driver’s side, I started the car and threw the heat on the highest setting before turning to her.

 

“You know Sylvester makes us turn our phones off when we practice,” I reminded her.

 

“I knew that.”

 

I think she forgot.

 

“Why are you out here? I told you that I’d come over after practice.”

 

“I didn’t want you to—”

 

I sat back in my seat, “Oh. Okay well let me drive you home.”

 

“Stop interrupting me and stop taking what I say in the wrong context,” She put her hands in front of the heater, “I don’t want you to come to my house because I want us to go to your house today.”

 

“Oh. Okay, yeah.”

 

Rachel was silent for a few more seconds, “I’m sorry if my reaction came off as hesitant earlier, I just wanted to make sure that it was really okay.”

 

“Well, yeah. Why wouldn’t it be? I invited you, remember?”

 

“Yes well, we don’t normally acknowledge each other outside of my home.”

 

“Well we’re friends right? I think we should be able to hang out wherever we want,” I supplied.

 

It was a bold move on my part.

 

“Right…friends,” she replied.

 

I refused to hear the sadness in her voice because it was probably nothing. I backed out of the spot and drove us to my house, we found my mom in the kitchen on the phone.

 

“Okay yeah, I’ve gotta go Edith, Quinn just got home from school, of course, goodbye,” she hung up the phone and placed it on the counter, “Sorry about that girls, just going over some things for the charity event this weekend. You must be Rachel,” my mom took a few steps forward and held out her hand, “Quinn has told me so much about you, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you,” she smiled warmly and shook Rachel’s hand.

 

I hoped that Rachel would just assume that my mom was being nice, I didn’t necessarily want her finding out how much it was that I actually talked about her.

 

“It’s so nice to finally meet you as well, Mrs. Fabray, you have a lovely home,” Rachel beamed.

 

I watched my mom’s eyes widen in excitement, Rachel was already excelling.

 

“So what are you two up to?”

 

“I invited Rachel over for dinner,” I told her and my mother’s eyebrow raised, I didn’t necessarily invite people over for dinner, especially after Finn managed to get me kicked out.

 

“How wonderful, I’ll make something special.”

 

“Okay well we’re going to go do our homework,” I said as I handed Rachel a bottle of water.

 

“And then we’re going to watch _Groundhog Day_ ,” Rachel added, “In honor of today.”

 

My mother smiled wide, “Spring will be right around the corner now.”

 

Rachel was in awe of someone finally appreciating the Groundhog’s verdict and I decided to pull her away before this turned into a forty-five minute discussion. My mother could talk if she had the right audience.

 

“Right, well we’ll be up in my room.”

 

“I’ll call you girls when dinner is ready.”

 

“I _love_ your mom,” Rachel whispered as we walked up the steps.

 

I was waiting for that.

 

Dinner was surprisingly normal. My mom didn’t seem to have any trouble keeping up with Rachel’s stories, and Rachel didn’t think my mom was a stuck up snob. It was oddly comforting not having to worry about either of them making a good impression, they were doing a fine job on their own. I didn’t even feel embarrassed when my mother started telling stories of my child hood, but I had a feeling it had something to do with Rachel resting her hand on my leg under the table.

 

My mother nearly died when Rachel suggested we help with the dishes.

 

“You might just be my mom’s new best friend,” I told her as we set in to watch the movie.

 

I knew that she would be thrilled to hear that and her smile didn’t disappoint.

 

“I don’t get many opportunities to bond with the parents of my friends.”

 

I frowned as I looked down at her, “What do you mean?”

 

“Well it’s not every day that I’m invited over someone’s house for dinner, and from what I’ve heard, your family is rather intimidating,” She replied.

 

“Do you think I’m intimidating?” I asked softly.

 

“I used to,” she shrugged, “I thought your mother would have disliked me.”

 

“Why would you think that?”

 

“Well, I’m part Jewish, and my fathers are gay,” she replied as if it wasn’t already the most obvious thing in the world.

 

I couldn’t help but laugh out loud, “She already knew that, and it’s not like she would care.”

 

“Well you can never be certain,” she said softly.

 

“Sure when my dad was here, it may have been a little different but it wouldn’t stop me from hanging out with you,” I told her.

 

She turned to look at me and studied my face, “You’re just saying that.”

 

I shook my head, “It’s true,” I smiled when she lowered her head onto my shoulder, “Ready to start the movie?”

 

She nodded against me and I hit play before I allowed my arm to settle around her back. She restlessly moved around until she found a comfortable position and I bit my tongue from telling her to cut it out. I didn’t want to scare her into moving away from me.

 

“Will your mom freak out if she sees us like this?”

 

“You worry too much, Berry.”

 

“It frightens me that you’re the one telling me that, Fabray,” she replied.

 

“There are only two places where I don’t worry,” I told her.

 

She sat up to look at me, “Where?”

 

“Here and your house.”

 

She smiled wide and readjusted herself so that she could lie across my lap. 

 

 I should have been worrying. Not only did I have a girl laying on me, but that girl was Rachel.  Maybe that was the reason it didn’t bother me, because it _was_ Rachel. Either way, I was probably screwed.

 

She shifted and it brought my attention down to her, she lied on her back and looked up at me through her long eyelashes.

 

“I can’t wait for this weekend,” she whispered.

 

Yup, so screwed.


	4. Be Mine

I’ve never loved Valentine’s Day. It always felt forced and awkward, like you had to hang out with your boyfriend for social purposes even if you didn’t want to. If that was one of my biggest concerns at the time than I had really nothing to complain about. I could have been dealing with far bigger issues than whether or not I wanted to have a free dinner and get chocolates.

 

The elephant in the room was getting larger and larger and pretty soon it was unavoidable. It was only a matter of time before Rachel was able to find a suitable opening to throw the issue out there.

 

“So, what are you and Sam doing for Valentine’s Day?” Rachel asked me from her spot on the carpet. She was working on a presentation for French and needed the floor space.

 

“Don’t,” I warned her lightly.

 

I could tell that it had been on the tip of her tongue numerous times. Each and every time I’d somehow find a way to change the subject before she could question my plans for the D-day. I was too busy working on my math problems on top of her bed to see that she had her contemplative look on.

 

“I’m just making conversation,” she replied, trying all too hard to sound less curious than she really was.

 

I was also dying to know what Finn had planned for her but I bit my tongue whenever the question was threatening to roll out of my mouth. We didn’t need the complexity. It was already too much that we’d been spending more time with each other than our actual boyfriends, ditching them the second a better offer came along, and that was just about every time Rachel would text me. We had a system and it kind of worked. It was simple, we just didn’t bring up the boys.

 

I never expected to find myself jealous over the silly little things. The sight of them singing a duet together boiled my blood, seeing his arm around her in the hallway made me turn and walk the other way, and even his dumb goofy smirk made me cringe because Rachel was making him look like that.  How did I go from being his girl, to being jealous of Rachel, to being jealous of Finn? It didn’t make sense on any level. 

 

I constantly worried if Rachel was feeling the same way when she’d see me and Sam act in a similar manner. It was actually on my mind more than I cared to admit. Was she jealous too? Did I even have a reason to be jealous? The indecisiveness surrounding us was exhausting. I’d love to have firm answers, I just wasn’t ready for the rejection I would feel if things didn’t go my way.

 

Because the truth was, I liked Rachel. I liked her a lot. I liked her so much that I would rather just be her friend than put myself out there only to be shot down. As infuriating as Santana was, she made some valid points. Rachel was never going to leave Finn, no matter how unhappy she was in their relationship. Finn provided her with security and protection that I couldn’t always offer her.

 

“Then let’s talk about the weather,” I told her from my laying position before going back to my text book. I’d been reading the same problem for maybe twenty minutes. I was retaining none of it.

 

“It’s raining,” she deadpanned, “I just wanted to see if Sam had anything special planned, that’s all,” she shrugged.

 

She had this way about her to make her seem _so_ innocent, that would make me feel guilty for being the way I was, even if she was the one breaking our silent agreement.

 

“Fine,” I huffed and closed my text book as if it was killing me that my studying was being interrupted, “Sam is taking me out for a nice romantic evening, dinner and a movie.”

 

“You don’t sound too particularly thrilled about it.”

 

I wasn’t. I hated Valentine’s Day. It may have been a real holiday but it still felt overrated. It was predictable and borderline boring. I wanted some kind of spontaneity _not_ forced romanticism. I wanted to receive flowers from someone because it was a nice gesture, I wanted a teddy bear that was won at a carnival after the person blew $20 trying to win it for me, I wanted chocolates and secret love letters just because. To me, the best dates were ones that were unplanned, they were the random nights that turned into something special, something more.  

 

I sighed, “Rachel, don’t do this.”

 

“I’m not sure what you believe I’m _doing_ , Quinn. I’m simply making—”

 

“Making conversation, I get it. I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Why?” she asked, once again too innocent for the tone of this conversation.

  
Couldn’t she see that it was killing me inside?

 

“Because I really don’t care about the predictably boring date Finn has planned for you.”

 

Her face scrunched up into a scowl and she straightened her shoulders, “I wasn’t going to tell you anyway.”

 

She sounded entirely ridiculous, like a toddler that was talking back to their teacher when they didn’t get their way.

 

“Why not?”

 

Okay, so I shouldn’t have fed into her childish behavior but why wouldn’t she want to tell me after I’d just told her?

 

“You don’t deserve to know,” She replied with a _hmphh._

“And why’s that?”

 

“Because,” she paused and her eyes met mine, “Because you’re being a Quinch,” She told me decidedly.

 

“What the hell is a Quinch?”

 

“It’s a cross between Quinn and Grinch, I’m not going to tell you what Finn has planned because you’re being sour about the entire holiday. Valentine’s Day is magical and filled with such potential Quinn, anything can happen on Valentine’s day.”

 

“Valentine’s Day sucks, Rachel.” I understood that I was being a little harsh, but the sooner she realized it, the better off she was, “It’s all about hollow gestures and doing something because society expects it of you.”

 

I knew that at the time because I saw my parents do the same thing for fifteen years.

 

“Well _excuse_ me for being excited!”

 

“Excited? Please. What could possibly be exciting about a cramped restaurant and a pound of chocolate?”

 

I’m sure Lauren Zizes probably found excitement in such a holiday but not me.

 

“Maybe because this is the first Valentine’s Day I get to spend with my boyfriend, or _any_ boyfriend for that matter.”

 

I recoiled for a few reasons. I’d completely forgotten that entire aspect. I knew that it shouldn’t have bothered me that she was excited to spend the day with her boyfriend, but it did regardless. And it also bothered me that she _only_ used the word _boyfriend_. Instead, I focused on the main point of her statement; this was her first Valentine’s Day, period. My heart went out to her poor disillusioned soul.

 

But I couldn’t let her get her hopes up. I’d had a Valentine’s Day with Finn once upon a time, and it was nothing special.

 

“Let me guess, he’ll pick you up at 6 and you’ll have to wait for at least an hour because he’s going to forget to make reservations at _Breadstix_ —I’m sure he’ll use a coupon—you’ll split a dessert and then he’ll tell you that he has a surprise for you. He’ll take you to a park, or someplace with absolutely no meaning to your relationship, where he’ll serenade you with a song that probably isn’t entirely appropriate.”

 

Rachel huffed again and crossed her arms, her project entirely forgotten on the floor in front of her.

 

“And you think that _Sam_ is going to treat you any better?” she challenged.

 

She had a point.

 

“See? This is why I didn’t want to bring them up.”

 

“Well, why not? They’re our boyfriends, Quinn.”

 

We’d been doing a good job of avoiding the entire situation between us, and I didn’t understand why we couldn’t just continue avoiding it.

 

“You don’t need to remind me,” I grumbled.

 

“If you think your life is so bad than why are you even dating him?”

 

“Because I love him.”

 

It was such a horrendous attempt at a lie and we both knew it. Even _I_ couldn’t convince myself anymore. How my mother did it for so many years, I’ll never know.

 

“We both know that you’re a horrible liar.”

 

But the fact that _she_ could see right through me and my boyfriend had no idea made me angry. Rachel shouldn’t have been the one to know everything about me, she shouldn’t have been the one I called when I had good news, or when I was having a bad day. Sure we were friends, but I should have at least been telling my boyfriend some of those things.

 

“You don’t know the first thing about me,” I fumed.

 

She recoiled a bit, obviously figuring out that she hit a nerve. Surprise, surprise…Rachel Berry once again knowing how affected I was about something.

 

“Maybe you’re right,” she replied softly, “but I know more about you than Sam does.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

Instead of backing down at my sneer, she only gained more confidence. Maybe it was the reaction she’d been hoping to get out of me, for me to press the issue so that she could get what she wanted out of it.

 

“I think it’s pretty clear what it’s supposed to mean,” she got off the carpet and loomed over the bed, “You may think that I’m stupid for being excited about a holiday that I’ve never gotten the chance to celebrate before but I think you’re pretty stupid to go on a date with someone that you don’t care about.”

 

“I care about him.”

 

“Okay,” she replied lightly.

 

She knew exactly what she was doing. Rachel Berry has always been a skilled artist with words and tones.

 

“Don’t do that!”

 

“Do what?” she shrugged.

 

“That! Act indifferent, like what you’re saying isn’t affecting me. Like you’re being completely innocent and not telling me that I’m a horrible person.”

 

“I never said that,” she replied easily.

 

She may not have outright said that I was a horrible person, but she had me thinking it, I knew she was thinking it too, “You’re thinking it.”

 

“Well, you _are_ the one that kissed me on New Years,” she pointed out unnecessarily.

 

Sometimes I wondered if she planned things like this, as if we were just playing a huge game of Chess. Her strategies were bulletproof and infuriating.

 

“I was doing you a favor,” I argued back weakly. It was all I had.

 

“I don’t recall asking you for any favors.”

 

She was doing it to get a rise out of me and I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for her to win, “Fine.”

 

I grabbed my school bag from the edge of the bed and began throwing my text book and notebooks in it, not caring that I was bending pages.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

I ignored her until everything I had with me was back in its place and then stepped down from her bed, “I think I need to leave, this friendship was a stupid idea.”

 

I don’t know why I said it, I did think that the friendship was a bad idea because I didn’t know how much longer I could take it being _just_ a friendship, but she was supposed to react. She was supposed to scream at me, or at least tell me to take it back. Even crying would suit me temporarily.

 

She shrugged again and turned to tend to something else, “If that’s how you feel.”

 

I threw the bag back down on the bed, “It’s not how I feel! And it’s driving me crazy that you don’t feel the same way!”

 

She turned back around and peered up at me, “I don’t feel that this friendship was a stupid idea.”

 

She was unbelievable and I should have been out of that bedroom the second she opened her mouth to talk about Valentine’s Day. Why hadn’t I just left? Was I _that_ desperate to make Rachel realize everything? Why did I put myself through such torture? Would I rather fight with Rachel than be apart from her?

 

“That’s _not_ what I was referring to.”

 

She chuckled softly to herself, “Then what were you referring to?”

 

She was challenging me again, her eyes were penetrating me and I almost didn’t feel the need to tell her what I was referring to because it felt like she was already in my mind and reading my thoughts. How could she claim to know when I was lying but unable to realize how I felt about her?

 

We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. Silently praying that the other one would break.

 

“Forget it,” I finally told her and grabbed my bag off the bed once again.

 

I began walking for the door and I almost got there but Rachel finally decided to react.

 

“When it comes down to it, Quinn, you’re just as scared of being alone as I am,” she said to my back, to her credit it made me turn around to give her my undivided attention, “No one is _forcing_ you to go out with Sam tomorrow night just like no one is forcing me to go out with Finn. But unlike you, I’m not scared to admit that I would _jump_ at the chance if there was a better offer. You keep avoiding the subject and hiding behind your distaste for the holiday but I think that if you spent it with someone you actually wanted to spend it with, you’d find that your opinion would entirely change.”

 

Her words were hitting me like bricks, she was absolutely right and it was killing me that I still couldn’t act.

 

“You’re right,” she continued once my silence was evident, “I didn’t bring this up _just_ to start a conversation, I brought it up so that you would get your head out of your ass and ask me on an actual date.”

 

I felt like a literal fish out of water, my mouth opening and closing as if words would come out without having to make the effort to actually speak them. It was out there, the encouragement that I’ve been waiting for was finally there for the taking. The indecision I’d been fighting with for the past two months, maybe longer, was finally giving me a decision. Why couldn’t I act?

 

I was still making excuses.

 

“You’re dating Finn and I’m dating Sam, that’s not going to change. What we have works because—”

 

“What we have works because we walk on eggshells around each other. We avoid everything that we’re both feeling, we hold hands when no one is looking and refuse to talk about what it means. You think I don’t know why you throw a silent hissy fit every once in a while? Tell me why you ditch Sam every time I tell Finn I can’t hang out because I have a family game night…No, you know what? Tell me why I even lie to Finn in the first place.”

 

I finally had what I was craving and now that it was within reach, I was too chicken to do something about it. Truth is, I never expected to ever have that conversation with Rachel anyway.

 

“I like hanging out with you—”

 

“Oh, save your bullshit excuses, Quinn.”

 

I was panicking at what it all meant. It was easy when I had a cover because it meant I didn’t have to be the person that I knew deep down I was.

 

“I’m not that person. I _can’t_ be that person.”

 

Whether I was trying to convince myself or Rachel, I don’t think either worked.

 

“ _You_ were the one that kissed _me_!” she argued, “ _Your_ eyes were on _me_ all night, Quinn!”

 

I knew those decisions would come back to haunt me, and it was only a matter of time before she’d bring the kiss up again. She should have known that it was pretty much all I thought about.

 

“It was a mistake, Rachel. I felt bad for you because Finn treats you like shit.”

 

“Leave.”

 

Her demand threw me, “What?”

 

“Get out of my house.”

 

“You’re kicking me out?”

 

“You were on your way out anyway,” she answered with a cross of her arms.

 

“Why are you kicking me out?”

 

“Because I can’t talk to you when you’re being this stubborn.”

 

“How am I being stubborn? I don’t even understand why you’re getting mad at me, or why we’re having this conversation in the first place. You’re _still_ going to go on your date tomorrow night, you’re _still_ going to sing with him in glee, you’re _still_ going to wear that dumb necklace,and he’ll _always_ be your first choice.”

 

Her jaw dropped momentarily and the hurt on her face made my skin crawl, “If you think that then you’re not who I thought you were.”

 

“Wait, I didn’t mean that,” I tried, running a hand over tired eyes, this was going so bad.

 

Rachel spoke up before I could offer an explanation, “He may not be the best boyfriend, or entirely _there_ all the time, but he’s trying again.”

 

I couldn’t prevent the scoff from leaving my mouth, “The only reason he’s trying is because he probably feels threatened by me.”

 

It was entirely self-centered of me.

 

“He does feel threatened by you.”

 

I laughed and rolled my eyes, “Oh, did he tell you that?”

 

“As a matter of fact, yes. He has brought it up multiple times. He’s not being the least bit childish about it and he’s been nothing but honest with me.”

 

I laughed harder and it was incredibly belittling, “Honest? You’ve _got_ to be kidding me. He slept with Santana and lied to you about it for months,” I reminded her.

 

“And _you_ had a child with his best friend, everyone makes mistakes.”

 

The thought of Beth ignited something within me, “That had _nothing_ to do with you.”

 

“And my relationship with Finn now has nothing to do with you,” she stated, “If there’s nothing else you’d like to say to me then I think it’s best you leave now, Quinn.”

 

I thought about telling her how sorry I was, how childish I was being, and how I didn’t mean the hurtful things I had said. For a second, I thought I saw her hoping that I’d do just that, but I couldn’t. I was too stubborn and immature to let her win, to give her what she wanted. What we both wanted. I adjusted the strap on my bag and held my chin up, I could break down when I wasn’t under her disappointed gaze.

 

I ignored the quiver of Rachel’s lower lip, “I hope you have a really nice time on your _date_.”

 

I know Rachel winced as the door shut behind me because even I flinched at the force I used. Both Berry men were sitting in the den near the front door, one father perched at his desk while the other sat quietly in one of the chairs.

 

“Everything all right, Quinn?” Rachel’s father, Michael, asked as he peered up from the book he was reading.

 

I wouldn’t dare alarm the Berry men that everything was absolutely not all right; I wouldn’t want to worry them. I also wouldn’t want them to look poorly on me, I wouldn’t want them to see how selfish I actually was.

 

I faked a smile as I made my way to the door, “Yup, I’ve just got to get home. I’ll see you later.”

 

I didn’t wait to see if they’d call out to me, and I didn’t really want to stick around to learn that Rachel wasn’t going to come after me.  I just wanted to get to my car and get out of there. It took me at least another hour to get home, and when I did eventually walk through the door, my mother smiled at me, asked me if I had a nice time, and turned her attention back to the reality dating show she was watching. It was normal and it was what she did every Sunday night. I normally went up to my room, got ready for the following day, and texted Rachel to see if anything had changed since I’d left her house.

 

That night, however, I turned my phone off and fell onto the couch next to my mother. Her acceptance of me joining her came in the form of passing me the heart shaped box of _Russell Stover_ s, and handing me one of the couch pillows to snuggle with. It was oddly comforting to know that I could count on my mother in the most bizarre of times and she was dependable enough to not ask questions.

 

The next day at school, Rachel and I avoided each other. Not one text message was received, and my battery was nearly dead by the end of the day from checking my phone so much. Not one _Facebook_ message received during study hall, not one inspirational note in my locker, and not one Valentine’s Day _eCard_ in my mailbox. Her eyes never looked in my direction once, I was invisible to her.

 

I’m not sure when, but it was sometime between watching how desperate the women were on the television show, having Rachel ignore me, and hearing Finn sing some stupid song from _Hairspray_ —honestly, how conceited could he be that he’d think _Ladies’_ _Choice_ was a suitable song to sing to his girlfriend _on_ Valentine’s Day—that I realized my fight with Rachel was over nothing.

 

I missed her. I missed her so much. _Too_ much to be considered normal.

 

Why should _I_ hold back from something I wanted? I never had before, and I wouldn’t start then. The only problem was that Rachel _seriously_ wasn’t talking to me.

 

I stared at the clock on my wall as the seconds ticked into minutes, until the hour Sam was supposed to pick me up arrived. It took me a little longer to work up the courage to call him, I had twenty minutes to spare and he wasn’t too happy but he understood. No one could foresee Judy falling down outside her office and twisting her ankle, landing me in the waiting area of the emergency room all day while I waited to take my mother home. I really never expected him to fall for it either, but I digress.

 

I was out of my house before I could think about what I was about to do, my mother waving effortlessly from her spot on the couch, nuzzled up with a nice bottle of wine, some fine chocolates, and a DVR filled with unwatched talk show episodes. She was set and I had begging to do.

 

I could hear the doorbell chime throughout the house as I stood on the front porch, I had no idea what I was doing there but I needed to do something. I needed to apologize, plead for forgiveness, but most of all, I needed Rachel.

 

“Is Rachel here?” I rushed out once the door was opened, I hadn’t even been able to see which parent it was.

 

“I’m sorry Quinn, she’s out,” Mr. Berry took in my surely frantic breathing and disheveled appearance, and who knows, maybe he felt bad for me, “You’re welcomed to come in and wait for her,” he gestured.

 

I swallowed some air as I attempted to regulate my breathing, and took a step through the threshold of their home.

 

“Thank you.”

 

He eyed me curiously, probably wondering why I wasn’t out carrying on with my own Valentine’s Day plans. That’s where his daughter was, after all. The thought made my stomach turn violently.

 

Come to think of it, why weren’t the men out?

 

“Can I ask you something?” I asked unnecessarily as I sat on one of the couches.

 

“Of course.”

 

“Why aren’t you out tonight?”

 

He chuckled to himself and ran a hand through his brown hair before scratching his neck.

 

“I’m in the dog house.”

 

My eyes doubled in size, “ _You_ are in the dog house?”

 

“Believe it or not, yes.”

 

I played with the bottom of my jacket nervously, “Can I ask why?”

 

He leaned back into the couch and put his arm over the back of it, “My husband’s desk was the only one that didn’t have flowers or chocolate on it.”

 

I nodded thoughtfully before coming to an obvious conclusion, “You forgot to send him something?”

 

“I didn’t think I needed to make a big display. I’m not exactly a big fan of this holiday.”  


That time I nodded understandingly, “Tell me about it, I hate this day.”

 

His amused grin lit his eyes, “You’re a little young to feel that strongly, don’t you think?”

 

I shrugged, “At least I’m not setting myself up for disappointment in the long run.”

 

“That’s one way to look at it,” he mused, “There isn’t someone you want to spend it with, though?”

 

“There is, but I guess the expectations were too great.”

 

“I see,” he nodded, “I don’t think you need to be scared of things like that, you’re young and you learn from experience,” He added thoughtfully.

 

Rachel got her way of words from that man and her stubbornness from her other father.

 

“So why didn’t you send him flowers if you knew it would upset him?” I finally asked.

 

He sighed, maybe not realizing that was a question he should have asked himself sooner, “I know that I love him, and I know that he loves me,” he paused, “I guess I forget that sometimes it’s okay to show the world.”

 

“Were you embarrassed?”

 

He chuckled softly, “Never,” he ran a hand through his hair again, “I just didn’t realize that it was that big of a deal to him, I should have known better.”

 

“I think it just means that he wants everyone else to know that he has a guy like you to go home to,” I told him, earning me a hearty laugh and he even seemed to blush a bit.

 

“I’m assuming that you’re here because you’ve learned that lesson recently?”

 

“Something like that.”

 

He patted his thighs and stood up from the couch, “Well, you’re more than welcomed to stay as long as you’d like.”

 

“Where are you going?”

 

He smiled, “To spend Valentine’s Day with my husband.”  


“You know where he is?” I called out to him.

 

He laughed as he shouldered on his black pea coat, “Of course, I’ve known him for twenty years.”

 

I smiled warmly at the man and he gave me a wide grin and a thumbs up.

 

“Wish me luck.”

 

“I don’t think you’ll need it,” I replied, he definitely didn’t need any luck.

 

“I don’t think you’ll need it either,” he winked.

 

I wanted to question him but he was out the front door before the words could leave my lips. I heaved a sigh and stood from the couch in order to trek up the stairs to Rachel’s room. It was a walk I’d made numerous times, but I took my time getting up to her room. A strange weight surrounded me as I opened the door and saw her French assignment still in the same place as it was the night before, probably untouched since then.

 

Her laptop was opened on her desk and the screen saver was on, my fingers delicately moved across the sensitive touchpad and I expected to find a Microsoft Word Document opened with a checklist of the perfect Valentine’s Day for her and Finn. It was so her. Instead, I found that her internet browser was opened to my _Facebook_ profile. It made me feel guilty and all kinds of things were happening inside my body. I couldn’t describe it, just like I couldn’t describe my attraction to her on New Years.

 

I walked around her room before lying on her bed and staring up at the ceiling. It was peaceful being the only one in her home, it gave me a chance to appreciate her room and all the times we’d spent in it the past two months or so. I honestly had it in my mind that the night before would have been the last time I was welcomed back in her room, and I wasn’t really sure what she’d say when she found me waiting there for her when she got back from her date.

 

What if Finn was with her? What if she wanted to get back at me and decided to invite Finn up to her bedroom? That was entirely selfish, if she wanted to have sex with Finn Hudson then it would be because she wanted to, not because she was trying to make me jealous. It _would_ make me jealous but that wasn’t the point. I was there to apologize, not to get in the way of her and Finn.

  
God, what if he _did_ come up? How would I explain myself?

 

I leaped off the bed and began making my way towards the door, already nervous that I would get caught red handed in her home without her permission. What was I thinking when I decided to come here?

 

My phone vibrated in my coat pocket and my heart nearly dropped into my stomach when I saw the caller idea.

 

 

She knew. She found out that I was in her room and she was calling to yell at me. I looked around the room frantically, I wouldn’t have put it past her to have hidden cameras all over the place. I could just ignore the call and continue on with leaving, maybe she’d find it in her heart to ignore it and we’d go on with our lives. But a tiny part of me wanted to know why she was calling, needed to know what she had to say. I really just needed to hear her voice. With another deep breath, I answered the call.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Oh, I thought I would have gotten your voicemail. Hang up and I’ll just call back so I can leave a message,” she spoke.

 

“No, Rach—”

 

“It’s quite alright, Quinn. I didn’t mean to disrupt your date with Sam. I’ll just speak with you tomorrow.”

 

I panicked, “Wait!”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I’m sorry,” I breathed out.

 

“For what?” she pressed.

 

“Everything,” It was too general but I was honestly sorry for everything, “Being a brat yesterday, ignoring you today, just…everything.”

 

There was silence between us and I was afraid that she’d already hung up, not accepting my apology.

 

“Did it take a lot for you to do that?” she finally asked lightly.

 

The sigh of relief I let out was huge, “More than you know.”

 

“Your voice _does_ have a bit of an edge to it,” she mused.

 

I probably could have laughed to let her know that she was right but I needed her to understand so many things. I turned away from her door and began to walk back towards her bed, I needed to lie down.

 

“I was wrong, you know so much about me.”

 

“I know I do,” she replied.

 

Words were popping into my head and I couldn’t seem to find my Fabray Filter that tended to keep my feelings hidden.

 

“And it wasn’t a mistake. The kiss, it wasn’t a mistake, I wanted to kiss you.”

 

“I could tell.”

 

“And you were right, I’m scared of being alone.”

 

She sighed, “That wasn’t necessarily fair of me, I think everyone’s scared of being alone.”

 

Everyone should be afraid of being alone, it’s terrifying but it was no excuse. I turned onto my side and stared at her night stand, reaching over to pick up a picture of her and her dads from the summer.

 

“I’m scared that you’re too good for me and soon you’re going to realize it,” I confessed further.

 

“Now you’re not necessarily being fair, I’m not like that,” she argued.

 

I studied the picture and found myself smiling; the laughter in her brown eyes, the sun-kissed skin that looked so warm, and the smile too bright to be fully appreciated just one dimensional.

 

Before I could tell myself not to, I blurted it out, “I like you, Rachel.”

 

“I like you too,” came almost immediately, “even when you’re being a Quinch.”

 

I laughed, the insulting nickname was almost comforting now, “You deserve flowers, and chocolates, and mix tapes, and someone to serenade you with a butchered version of your favorite love song,” I told her, holding the picture to my chest as I turned to look back at the ceiling.

 

She cut in, “I doubt you’d butcher it.”

 

I continued, “But you don’t just deserve them on Valentine’s Day, you deserve them every day. And Finn can give you that.”

 

The words were breaking my heart. I knew they were true, we both knew they were true. Finn could give her everything. I could give her headaches and the occasional sentimental moment when we were alone.

 

“Finn isn’t the one that I want those things from, not anymore.”

 

I wanted to believe her so badly, her words were so easy to latch onto for dear life, but things didn’t always play out the way we wanted them to. I knew that, I would have been a fool to think that just because someone said something, meant it was true.

 

“But you should, that’s who you should want to be with,” my voice cracked in a moment of raw emotion, I wasn’t expecting to get so choked up when I gave away something I never had.

 

She paused for a moment, “Why do you want me to be with someone that yesterday you said didn’t deserve me?”

 

It was a fair question, I didn’t think that Finn deserved Rachel, but I also didn’t think I deserved Rachel either. At least Finn could offer her some kind of security in high school, he seemed adamant on not messing up the third time around. God, three times he’d had her and I was still telling her to stay with him.

 

“Because I’m terrified that I’m going to mess it up.”

 

I’d be stupid to not believe that. Insecure or not, my family was never the best with relationships or emotions. My parents were separated, my sister was in a loveless marriage, and I was moving in on someone else’s girl. And the fact that the _girl_ of it all was the least of my worries. 

 

“Technically there is nothing to mess up yet.”

 

I gave the picture I was holding one more glance before I put it next to me on the bed, “Would you like there to be something?”

 

I shouldn’t have been giving myself hope, I should have gotten out before I got in over my head but Rachel was enticing and something new. She was something I’d never experienced before. And we both knew damn well that if she wanted me to, I’d selfishly take her and never give her up.

 

“I’d like at least another blindsiding and passionate kiss from you.”

 

My face was rushed with heat and I thanked the high heavens that Rachel was not in the same room as me, “And then?”

 

She chuckled, “We’ll see how well you can kiss when you’re sober.”

 

Rachel’s confession of what she wanted gave me sudden confidence.

 

“I like holding your hand and sharing blankets with you.”

 

“And I like that you get upset when you don’t get to do those things.”

 

“Why would you like that?” I asked.

 

“Because it means that I’m not the only one who wants it.”

 

I sighed out, my defenses were weakening quickly and she could tell, “I’m incredibly stubborn.”

 

She laughed, not like she wasn’t just as stubborn, “And I have no problem calling you on it.”

 

She really didn’t have a problem calling me out on just about everything I did.

 

“I kick in my sleep,” I offered, but she already knew that.

 

“And I sleep sing.”

 

I already knew that as well.

 

“I—”

 

“Nothing is going to change my mind, Quinn. So stop trying.” There wasn’t irritation in her voice, just determination that I envied.

 

Could I let go and see where it took me? Could I just throw caution into the wind and let Rachel take care of me? It was scary and frightening and exhilarating at the same time, I wanted her here with me but the thought terrified me.

 

“I can’t give you a lot of the stuff someone like Finn can give you,” I reminded her.

 

She laughed almost silently, “Who knows, maybe you’ll give me more.”

 

She truly did have a way with words that set my body on fire.

 

“You have an answer for everything.”

 

…

 

“Rachel? Did I lose you?” I called into the silence of the receiver.

 

Lima didn’t have the best reception, maybe she lost her signal. Or maybe she hung up.

 

Her cackling laughter into the phone had me sighing in relief, “I wanted to prove that I didn’t have an answer for everything.”

 

“Very funny,” I rolled my eyes, my chest calming down as I heard that she hadn’t gone anywhere.

 

“I scared you, didn’t I?”

 

“No,” I replied firmly.

 

“It’s okay to be honest sometimes, Quinn. You don’t need to have your guard up all the time.”

 

And just like that, she made me feel safe enough to trust her.

 

“Yes, I was scared.”

 

“You don’t need to be scared anymore, and we can keep hanging out like we have been. There’s no pressure.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“You’re most welcomed,” She giggled, “I’ll let you get back to your date with Sam now.”

 

“I never went,” I told her, “I told him my mom broke her ankle.”

 

“Quinn Fabray! God forbid!” she shrieked.

 

“I’m not the nicest person, Rachel, you should know this.”

 

“Don’t say that, I think you’ve always had good intentions.”

 

She couldn’t possibly know about the few times that I put glee before myself because I did it behind everyone’s back.

 

“How do you figure?”

 

“I know things about you Quinn, I see the good you have in your heart.”

 

“You been stalking me, Berry?”

 

“It’s hard not to notice you,” Rachel replied and I found myself blushing once again, “So if you’re not on your date…where are you?”

 

I cleared my throat, “At my house, I’m doing homework in my room,” I lied. It was way less embarrassing than admitting that I was at her house at that moment being a creep.

 

“Oh really?”

 

“Yeah, actually come to think of it, where is Finn?”

 

Rachel somehow managed to get me on the phone and allow me to completely forget that she was supposed to be at dinner by now with her boyfriend.

 

“Well I assume he went back to his house after I asked him to drop me off at the Fabray residence.”

 

My eyes widened, “You’re at my house?”

 

“And it’s funny, I see no blonde girl doing homework in this cute little room, unless you’ve turned invisible of course.”

 

“Why are you in my bedroom?

 

She laughed, “It’s a good story actually, Finn still hasn’t been able to figure out how to turn the speaker phone off on his phone, so when Sam called to tell him that you were tending to your hurt mother and had to cancel your date, I considered it a sign.”

 

“My mother really could have twisted her ankle, she’s always been clumsy.”

 

“Maybe…regardless I wasn’t ready to let you spend Valentine’s Day with your drugged up mother. You could imagine my shock when I arrived at your house to find your mother throwing a box of chocolates at the TV during one of _Maury_ ’s cheating lovers episodes, completely unharmed.”

 

The image certainly did sound right.

 

“Finn didn’t give you a hard time?”

 

“Oh he did, but I told him that you needed me. And he really couldn’t say anything after I yelled at him for forgetting to make the reservations in the first place.”

 

I hid the laugh to the best of my ability because I could tell that she was still not amused, whether in his incompetence or in the fact that I was right.

 

“You didn’t have to do that, you know, leave your date. You didn’t even know if it was the truth or not.”

 

“It was a risk that I was willing to take, and yet, you’re not here so I guess it backfired.”

 

“So you called me, knowing that I wasn’t out with Sam?”

 

“mmHmm,” Rachel replied playfully, “So are you going to tell me where you are?”

 

I ducked my head unnecessarily, “I’m at your house.”

 

“I can’t say that I’m entirely shocked, you’re kind of predictable in that way.”

 

I scoffed, “I am not.”

 

Rachel laughed, “So this certainly wasn’t how I was hoping tonight would go.”

 

“But I’m glad it turned out this way,” I finished for her.

 

“Yeah, me too. So I’m kind of stranded here, do you want to come home?”

 

“Not yet, can we just talk for a bit?”

 

“Of course,” she answered and I could almost hear her getting more comfortable on my bed, “any reason?”

 

I closed my eyes as I imagined her in my room, with her eyes closed, hopefully imagining me in her own room. It was comforting.

 

It felt right and exactly the perfect way to spend the rest of my night. Whether it was our first Valentine’s Day together or if it would be our first and last, I really couldn’t imagine doing anything else but spending it with her. Maybe we would start a tradition or maybe I’d get too antsy within minutes and rush home to see her, maybe give her that blindsiding kiss that she asked for. It’s exactly what happened. But it further confirmed my theory that the best dates were unplanned, they were the random nights that turned into something special.

 

“No reason,” I smiled to myself, “Tell me about your day.”

 

That first Valentine’s Day together was special because it started something more.


	5. Irish I Was Drunk

I should have paid closer attention to what Rachel had been working on the first two weeks of March, but in my defense she kept it quite a good secret. As long as it didn’t negatively affect me in any way, then I was fine with whatever scheme she was working on. She also tended to hum to herself when she got lost in her projects and I tended to enjoy closing my eyes to daydream. She’d catch me of course, she always caught me but she never stopped humming. I’d soon figure out that she liked having that effect on me. 

No, I really didn’t concern myself with finding out what Berry was working on but as I stared down at the neatly drawn map of Lima, I started second guessing my choices. It was a treasure map, you could say, a treasure map designed to bring us all throughout Lima on a scavenger hunt. 

Naturally it was themed, because how does Rachel Berry plan a scavenger hunt on St. Patrick’s Day without having it themed? I shouldn’t have expected anything less from her when I saw that it was supposed to lead you to a pot of gold. Clearly a metaphor or something, they always were Rachel’s thing. 

No one knew what the pot of gold was, but when Rachel momentarily forgot that my eyes were always on her, she glanced at Puck, and his smirk said it all. They both knew what the pot of gold was and that terrified me. Rachel and Puck teaming up was somewhat of a chemistry experiment gone wrong, rarely anything good came out of their schemes. Puck always had ulterior motives and he tended to prey on Rachel’s innocence. Occasionally, Rachel was the devil in the plan and Puck was too stupid to realize he was getting played. Regardless, they were a match made in hell. 

Mr. Schuester of course was no help, stating that it was a wonderful idea to exercise some friendly competition and it would give us a chance to bond with people we normally wouldn’t hang out with. I glanced down at the map Rachel took the time to make look authentic, with burnt edges and crinkled paper, and grew weary. The rules were simple enough, teams would go around town, solving the riddles that Rachel thoughtfully made up and they’d find the next riddle at each location. So it wasn’t a scavenger hunt exactly, it was actually more work. The map of Lima was just for Brittany’s use, and as we eventually found out that night, it came in handy. 

When Rachel caught my eye and slyly smiled the smile she tended to reserve for me, I knew I had nothing to worry about. Of course if she already went through the trouble to make up the clues then she already made up the teams too. And if that was the case, I really had nothing to worry about. I saw her cheeks redden a bit when I realized what her sly smile meant. 

But Mr. Schuester, as he so often loved to do, threw in a curveball. No one anticipated him coming in with his trusty hat so that we could pick teams, couldn’t he have just trusted Rachel to of made fair teams?

Not even Rachel’s panicked rambling could save us from it, Schuester had decided and that left me standing in the middle of a parking lot, cursing the holy heavens that Finn Hudson had to draw my name out of the hat. And if matters weren’t any worse, Rachel had drawn Sam and Mike so that Sam wouldn’t have to do all the work since Rachel technically couldn’t participate. 

Disaster was the understatement of the year.

“I think Rachel’s cheating on me,” Finn stated as we approached the front of the closed grocery store, I stopped in my tracks and he bumped into me. 

“Why would you think that?” I asked, the edge to my voice was that of a guilty convict but he was never smart enough to catch on, “She’s not cheating on you, Rachel wouldn’t cheat on you.”

Rachel wouldn’t cheat, it’s just something she wouldn’t do. But she was cheating on him with me, and I was cheating on someone I was in a relationship with, again. 

No, it was different right? God, I never realized that we’ve both cheated on Finn before, and with Puck no less. Granted, neither of those times meant anything, Puck was manipulative and conniving. The affair Rachel and I were having was emotional and physical, which was… so much worse. We were so screwed. 

“Quinn? You okay?”

“What?” I shook out of my thoughts, “I’m fine,” I replied, taking a deep breath and turning to face him, “Why would you think she’s cheating on you?”

“She’s different now,” he replied after some thought. 

I knew we were in the wrong place looking for this clue because we’ve yet to see anyone here, or they were smart and skipped the entire hunt, but it was the last time I listened to Finn’s reasoning. We’ve already showed up at the wrong place twice, thank god Rachel didn’t mind helping me out with cracking her clues. 

I studied him, “Different…how?” 

He scratched his head as I walked past him and back to my car, “She never lets me touch her, and she smacks my hand away when I try to touch her boob,” he replied, defeated.

I smirked to myself as I got into my car, “Well maybe she just doesn’t like physical contact.”

She loved physical contact. 

“She’s always sneaking around, and she’s never free anymore.”

“Well you know Berry, she’s all about extra-curriculars and getting to Broadway,” I reminded him, he didn’t need to know what her current extra-curriculars actually consisted of.

“She freaked when I told her I was thinking about going to school in New York,” he stated.

I faltered and my foot slipped from the gas pedal. Was he that serious about them staying together?

“You want to follow her to New York?”

“I was thinking about it, I thought she’d be happy.”

I knew that Rachel couldn’t wait to go to school in New York, she had various countdowns all over her room regarding the various milestones she couldn’t wait for. Early Decision deadlines, acceptance week, Graduation, freshman orientation, and even the projected first day of school. It was no secret. The thought of Finn getting to reach those milestones with her made me feel ill. 

“You guys just got back together, give it time,” I replied.

I had no idea what I was thinking, actually giving him excuses for his girlfriend’s behavior, when I was the reason she was acting so weird to him. The sneaking around had been fun, exhilarating even, but it didn’t feel so good when I saw what it was doing to the person she was actually supposed to be with. 

“Look Finn, I really don’t know what to tell you, maybe you should break up with her.”

“She made me promise that I would never break up with her ever again when we got back together.”

I rolled my eyes, of course she’d made him promise that, who could have ever suspected my blindsiding attraction to her, “I don’t think she’ll hold you to that if you’re not working out.”

“Well I don’t know if that’s how she feels,” he replied, backtracking a bit.

I took a deep breath to calm my rising anger, “It seems pretty clear that she’s not into you anymore.”

“It sounds like you want us to break up or something.”

“What? No…” I started, how do I explain myself when it’s exactly what I wanted to happen, “I just don’t want to see you hurting.”

“But she’s worth it,” he smiled his boyish smile, as if it was a secret only he knew about.

Like she was some unfound treasure. I knew she was worth it. She was. She totally was. 

“Finn, I—I don’t know what to tell you.”

“You’re close with her,” I could practically see the light above his head.

“What? No I’m not, who said that?”

“What are you talking about? You guys hang out all the time.”

I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter, “But we’re not close, we just hang out.”

“Well girls talk about this kind of stuff all the time, could you talk to her for me?”

This was going to end badly for one of us.

“Um…”

“C’mon Quinn, we’ve been friends forever, if anyone can help me I know it’s you. Besides, Rachel seems to trust you, so maybe you could put in a good word.”

“Rachel trusts me?”

“Yeah, a lot…so...what do you think?”

Damn him. Damn him and his innocence. 

“I guess I could mention it to her,” I sighed out.

I needed to have a talk with her anyway. 

“You’re the best, Quinn! You know, I would talk you up to Sam but he seems pretty satisfied already, I wish my girlfriend was like you.”

I wasn’t really paying attention to him as I thought about everything I’d have to say to Rachel. How were we going to get out of this mess without hurting people? Without hurting ourselves? Cause that’s all I truly cared about, if I was being honest. 

“Wait what? Why would you want Rachel to be like me? And what do you mean, satisfied?”

“Nothing,” he replied coyly.

I narrowed my eyes at him, ready to intimidate him until he told me what he was getting at, but both our cell phones chimed at the same time.

“Oh sweet,” Finn grinned, showing me the text that I was also reading at the same time, “Someone won, and Puck’s having a party!”

I should have known that the pot of gold was a metaphor for a party at Puck’s. 

We got to Puck’s and Finn stalked away from the car, we were the first ones there it appeared and as I got into the house, I saw Puck and Artie with wide grins on their faces. 

“You guys won?” I asked skeptically.

Puck scoffed, “Yeah right, me and my boy didn’t even go out, we’ve been here drinking the entire time while you losers ran around town.”

“So who won the pot of gold?” Finn asked, it made perfect sense that he was still caught up on that.

“No one, the pot of gold is over there in that bucket,” he pointed towards the kitchen, I had the strangest suspicion that it was an alcohol of sorts, “Rachel called it off early.”

“Why would she call it off early?”

Puck shrugged as the door opened to reveal Santana and Brittany looking particularly guilty, “I don’t know, she texted me and told me to tell everyone to come back here.”

It didn’t make sense but I shrugged my indifference and pretended not to care or worry about why Rachel would end the game early, especially after she’d spent weeks on it. Santana and I walked into the kitchen together and I surveyed her flushed face, tousled hair, and heavy breathing as she poured me a drink.

“Tell me you didn’t,” I stated.

“Fine. I didn’t.”

“S! How could you!? Brittany and Artie are dating,” I hissed, “In case you’ve forgotten that little fact.”

“Oh like you’ve managed to forget that Rachel and Finn are dating too? You don’t seem to care about that too much, or your boyfriend for that matter,” she replied with traces of attitude, when she felt threatened she went for the jugular. 

“Nothing is going on between us,” I told her lowly. 

“That’s a load of crap and we both know it, I’ll keep my mouth shut about you two and you look the other way where Brittany and I are concerned.”

I wanted to challenge her, prove to her that she had nothing on me, let her know that she couldn’t blackmail me into being okay with everything, but Finn’s towering form in the corner of my eye prevented me. She did have a lot on me, and if you pissed her off, she’d have no problem singing like a canary to anyone that would listen. I couldn’t hurt Finn more than I already was.

“Fine,” I sneered, “Trust test,” I demanded holding out my pinky.

Santana rolled her eyes, “We aren’t 12 anymore, we don’t need to do that.”

“We didn’t trust test when you told me about your summer surgery and look where that landed you,” I reminded her with renewed confidence. 

Having no choice, she held up her pinky and locked it with mine, “With this secret I just gave—”

I smiled and tightened our lock, “I shall take it to my grave.”

“Happy?”

“Indefinitely,” I replied.

I peered down into my cup and nearly vomited. The beer was dyed green, but of course it was. If I closed my eyes, it was fine. 

I felt arms around my waist and with my eyes still closed, I leaned back into them briefly before I realized it wasn’t who I was imagining. I jumped away from Sam and nearly spilled my cup on the floor.

He laughed a little, “You okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” I replied, looking over his shoulder I could see the penetrating gaze of Rachel Berry throwing daggers at me. 

That normally wasn’t a good sign. 

I cleared my throat after he leaned over to give me a small kiss, I could hear Santana snickering behind me, and I could still feel Rachel staring at me. This wasn’t going to be a good night for me. 

“How was your group?” I asked, hoping to find out why Rachel called the entire thing off early, or why her eyes hated me so much at that moment. 

He shrugged, “Good, I missed you,” leaning in once again for a more serious kiss. 

I stepped away from him, “Sam, people are around.” 

He dropped his head in a disappointed manner but he should have been used to it by now, “Right,” he sighed. 

“Let’s go join everyone else, it’s not polite to keep to ourselves,” I told him and walked back into the living room that held the rest of the club. 

Rachel was sitting on Finn’s lap and seemed to take an uncharacteristic interest in playing with his hair. Sam ignored the brainwaves I was sending to him to sit somewhere else and he sat down right next to Finn, leaving me with no other choice but to dutifully sit next to him and watch the way Rachel would giggle into Finn’s neck every so often. 

She was playing it up, for some reason she was doing it to get a rise out of me. I refused to sink to her level, but I had no problem with drinking my jealousy. Pretty soon, I forgot that I was supposed to be closing my eyes to avoid the green color of the beer. 

“Finny, tell them about the time you beat the entire Halo game in one sitting.”

“Oh, that’s a good one! So I was—”

“I’m thirsty,” I blurted miserably and stood from my seat on the couch. 

I was a cross between bored to death and enraged with anger, it became clear that Rachel was mad at me for something and her way of acting out had been to be all over her boyfriend. I was too drunk to drive home, which meant that I was getting to the stage of drinking where I would start being more obvious with my emotions. It was only a matter of time before caused a scene or did something I’d regret. 

Rachel had been ignoring the text messages that I would send her while she was sitting two spaces away from me. Sure, maybe her phone was on silent, but it was pretty clear she was doing it on purpose when she pulled her phone out, read the messages, and put it back into her pocket. 

I got up again after that, not being able to stay in the same room as the petty flirting she was doing. I felt Finn’s presence behind me and braced myself for whatever he was about to rub into my face. 

“Thanks for talking to Rachel, Quinn. Whatever you said really helped, I think tonight will be the night,” he winked. 

The alcohol in my stomach was threatening to reappear at the realization of what night he was referring to. 

“Wonderful.”

“Thanks a lot!”

If he’d stop to think for one minute, he’d realize that I didn’t even have time to talk to Rachel after arriving, she’d gone right to Finn’s side as if she had something to prove. Her loud laugh broke my concentration, that was it. 

I finished what was left in my cup before swiftly throwing it in the sink, and stalked back into the living room with determination. Even Rachel seemed to notice me finally, and I circled my fingers around her forearm and tugged her with me. 

“I need to talk to you,” I stated and excused us from the confused faces. Well, mostly confused faces, Santana’s smirk was haunting me from the corner of the room. 

I led her down the foyer and up the steps and to her credit she didn’t say a word, but that wasn’t the time for silent treatments. We reached Puck’s room and both stumbled over some clothes on the floor before I slammed the door shut. 

“What the hell, Rachel?!”

“Desperate doesn’t look good on you,” she replied, crossing her arms, “And you have some nerve dragging me away from my friends like some vicious animal.”

I really didn’t care that I just looked like a crazed lunatic as I pulled her away from everyone, I could answer to them later. I only cared about one thing. 

“Why are you ignoring me?”

She tightened her hold around her chest and looked away guiltily, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh really? Because I saw you read my texts and ignore them, I see your eyes on me when you kiss Finn, and I can tell a real laugh from a fake one. You’ve got my attention, what did I do?”

“If you don’t already know then you don’t deserve to know at all,” she threw back.

I took a step back, not expecting that much venom to come out of her tiny stature.

“What does that even mean!? We were fine before this stupid scavenger hunt, what changed?”

“Your attitude for one! That activity was not stupid!” she defended herself, as expected. 

It really wasn’t stupid. It had the potential to be amazing if things didn’t get so messed up. 

“It’s not the point,” I waved off, “why are you being like this? Why are you making me watch you all over Finn?”

“I’m not making you watch anything, Quinn.”

Whatever I did had her fuming. I’d never seen her so angry and spiteful. 

“Really? ‘Cause it seems the only time you’re on top of him is when I’m near you, if you don’t want to do this anymore then just tell me, I’d rather know than feel foolish.” 

“Well maybe you should feel foolish, we were both foolish if we thought this would work.” 

“Where is this coming from?” 

My voice was soft as I spoke to her because I could clearly see that whatever happened had her beyond upset. The fact that she was the one putting us down was enough to raise alarm. She was normally the one convinced that we worked. 

“Just forget it, Quinn,” she replied, her voice bordering exhaustion.

I’d never seen her so defeated.

“No, I’m not going to just forget it, tell me what’s going on!” I pushed, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her back to look at me.

Her eyes flashed something wicked before her jaw tightened, “You slept with Sam! Do I have to spell it out for you? 

I dropped my hands and took a step back, as if her words physically pushed me, “Who told you that?

“Sam!” 

She began pacing rapidly in front of me, she was speaking some kind of gibberish. Leave it to Rachel Berry to be fluent enough in another language to be able to speak it in the heat of an argument. 

“Why would he tell you that?

She stopped moving and her eyes found mine again. They were scary and made me want to cower in the corner, “I don’t know! But him and Mike were sharing their little sex stories while I sat in the back of the car feeling like an idiot for believing this could work between us.”

I panicked, “It can work! It is working.”

She scoffed and it made me feel like there was some joke that I wasn’t let in on, “Sure, because you get to have sex on the side while you use me for everything else.”

I watched as she moved about Puck’s room, clearly eyeing the alarm clock on his night stand, and I watched helplessly as she ripped it from the desk and threw it to the floor. I knew that she was using one of her metaphor things but I never expected it to hurt as much as it did. 

“That doesn’t even make sense, it’s you that I want to have sex with!” I blurted without thinking. 

Her defenses dropped a little but her determination came back full force.

“Well you can’t have us both, and if you think that I’m going to go near you now after I found out all the places you’ve had sex, not to mention your favorite positions! Or the face you make when you—”

“I’m dreaming,” I muttered, this couldn’t be happening. 

I blindly found the edge of Puck’s bed, feeling too dizzy to keep myself up any longer. I ran my hands over my eyes, something was vaguely familiar about my position on the bed. Three months ago, we’d been in the exact same room, and I felt helpless about my crush on Rachel. I still felt helpless, just for a different reason. 

I knew Rachel was irrational occasionally, and her dramatics sometimes were taken too far, but I never imagined this. 

“So you’re fantasizing right now about having sex with him? Well I hope it’s good for you, Quinn, I really do.”

I stood up from the bed and ran a hand through my hair as I paced, “Why is this happening?” I asked the ceiling. 

“I hope you know that he looks like your brother,” she called to me, “I hope you hear that in the back of your head next time you have intercourse with him.”

Okay, gross. 

I had let it go on for long enough, the shock of what happened had finally worn off and it was time to set her straight. 

I took a few steps toward her and grabbed her hands, “Rachel, I did not have sex with Sam!” 

She shook me off her and stepped out of my personal space, “That’s not what he claims,” she argued.

“Well he’s a liar!”

“I don’t believe you.”

I stepped back, once again feeling physical pain from her words. My heart couldn’t take it anymore. 

“You don’t believe me?” my voice cracked, “Why would I lie to you? I flinch when he tries to kiss me and you think that I’d let him have sex with me? Multiple times none the less?”

“I don’t know!” she shouted, clearly seeing my logic but not ready to give up her battle, “I don’t want to discuss your sex life with someone else, I’ve nearly vomited twice just thinking about him touching you.”

I tried to step towards her again, only for her to take another step back, “I’m telling you that it’s not true!”

She looked away and gritted her teeth, “What do you want to do? Unsee all the images in my mind? Too late, they’re haunting me already,” she spoke as she moved past me to the other side of the room. 

I turned to follow her, “Well that’s stupid because nothing has ever happened between us.”

“Fine,” she threw her arms in the air, “Maybe not yet…but it’s only a matter of time before you’ll give in to the temptation.”

My laugh came out humorless, “You’re making me sound like a sex addict!” I nearly shrieked.

“Well who knows, maybe you are! You earlier said that you wanted to have sex with me,” she stated as if it was all the proof in the world that I should be entered into Sex-a-holics Anonymous.

“Look at you!” I gestured wildly, “I’d be crazy not to.”

“Regardless, Quinn…Wait, really?”

“Um, have you seen yourself?”

Her features softened and she no longer looked like a crazed maniac, she bashfully looked down and did a complete one-eighty, “As flattering as they are, I believe your drunken thoughts are going to get you in trouble.”

“Well it appears that I get in trouble either way, and let’s not forget you’re the reason I drank so much,” I reminded her.

She looked regretful, “How am I the reason?”

I closed my eyes and fought away the images that had been burned into my mind over the past two hours of misery, even seeing them playing back in my head had me raging with jealousy. 

“You were all over Finn, kissing him and whispering into his ear, giggling into his neck, caressing his cheek and rubbing his back, promising things…” I whispered, and then something occurred to me, “Wait,” I turned to look at her with curious eyes, “Were you going to have sex with Finn tonight to get back at me?”

Her eyes widened slightly and her face drained of color, “I-I, no I…”

God, I was such a dumbass sometimes. 

My teeth felt like they were going to fall off from grinding them so hard. I had to keep my anger in check, I couldn’t be in that room any longer if I wanted any hope of salvaging what Rachel and I still had. I’d say something I’d regret if I stayed in that room with her. 

“Excuse me,” I spoke slowly, not trusting the caged animal inside of me that was just dying to escape and lash out. 

I’d always been an angry drunk but I wouldn’t take my anger out on Rachel. I downright refused. 

“Where are you going?” she called out desperately. 

“Just leave me alone, Rachel,” I threw over my shoulder, already out of the bedroom and in the hallway. 

“I most certainly will not! Get back here!”

I ignored her as she called after me and I even shrugged off her attempts to put her hands on me, I zoned out as soon as I saw the truth on her face, I had one thing on my mind. 

Sam was the focal point of my rage. His lies started all of it, he was the reason Rachel was all over Finn, he was the reason that I had to watch someone I cared about ignore me, the reason Rachel was going to sleep with someone just to hurt me. He did this. I didn’t care how bad I deserved it. It was easier to blame him than step back and admit that it was actually entirely my fault that everything got so out of hand in the first place. 

I walked into the kitchen and picked up one of the solo cups full of the disgusting green beer and calmly dodged Rachel one more time. It shouldn’t have been that easy to avoid Rachel, but I was zeroed in and nothing was going to get in my way. I’d deal with Rachel later. Sam never saw the liquid coming and he didn’t even have time to properly understand what had just happened to him before my open palm cracked hard across the face, causing the green liquid to splatter onto who he was standing near. 

“How dare you tell people that we had sex, I will end you Evans, do not test me.”

The ring slid off easily as it tended to do each time Rachel and I would be alone together and I let it drop on the floor. 

“Screw you,” I nearly spat at him. 

He stood there in stunned silence, his mouth opening and closing stupidly, his ego and dignity entirely gone. Santana’s laughter was the last thing I heard before I tossed an apology to Puck and walked out the front door. 

I’d dropped my car keys three times before I felt Rachel forcefully shove me out of the way.

“Are you crazy?! You are not driving home in your condition; I can’t believe you even thought that was okay!” she was screaming in my face and I just needed to be anywhere but near her. 

My head was killing me, my hand was stinging, my stomach was turning, and I felt nauseous enough to empty the contents of my stomach at any moment. My entire body was on fire and not even the cold March air was cooling me down. 

“Go away,” I mumbled, still focused on finding the right key. I was going cross-eyed.

“And let you kill yourself? Yeah right, give me your keys,” she held her hand out expectantly. 

Snowballs chance in hell was I going to willingly give her my car keys. 

“No, leave me alone,” I pushed her hand away. 

“Give me your keys!” she shouted, about to lunge at me if I refused her one more time. 

As if she was a magical sorcerer, the keys fell out of my hand and landed on the paved blacktop, she dove for them before I could realize they slipped out of my grip.

“I’ll drive you,” She stated, already unlocking the doors.

“I’m walking home,” I waved her off and began to drag my feet down the street.

“You’re not walking home,” she called out to me, “it’s cold out and you left your jacket inside.”

“I’ll be fine,” I called back, wrapping my arms around my body. 

“Get. in. the. car.” I could hear her stomp her foot and I snickered to myself at the immaturity of it all, “Right now, Quinn Fabray!” 

I turned and faced her, “Why don’t you go back to Finn and continue on with your special night.”

“I wasn’t actually going to go through with it, I was just so mad at you.” 

“It wasn’t even true, Rachel!” I yelled back to her, we were both in high school and screaming at each other in the streets as if we had no regard for the neighbors, “If I hadn’t been sick of watching you all over him, you wouldn’t have found out that Sam was lying, and you might have gone through with it.” 

That was the part that had me not wanting to be near her. 

“I just felt so hurt,” she replied sadly. 

“Well then you can imagine the hurt I feel, and you’ll excuse me if I don’t want to get in a car with you,” I replied, surprised at how rocky my voice actually was. 

“Quinn please,” she called out again, “let me drive you home, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to you,” she pleaded with me. 

I was going to crack at any second. 

“I don’t care.”

I did care. 

“Yes you do, Quinn. You’re just drunk and not thinking clearly.” 

I whirled around on her again, not realizing how close she’d gotten to me, “Don’t tell me what I’m thinking, Berry. You have no idea what’s going on inside my head.”

She nodded and almost shrunk into herself, “You’re hurt. Sam was spreading rumors about you and I was foolish enough to believe them. I’m sorry I didn’t come to you first, I should have and I regret it tremendously. Instead, I acted out and hurt you even more by my actions. Quinn, please look at me,” she pleaded once again, her voice lined with traces of sheer panic and pain. 

My heart was pounding to the point of shattering, the sides of my neck overcome with a strange pain that only happened when I was on the verge of tears. My defenses were weakening every time she opened her mouth, every time she said my name or called out to me, I felt every ounce of me just wanting to surrender to her. It would be so easy to just let myself go and let her catch me. 

My eyes met hers and she felt it was safe enough to take another step back towards me, eventually she took another one until she was standing in front of me. Her hot breath traveling the few inches and hitting my face, covering me like a blanket, lulling me further into an intoxicated state. 

I needed a warm bed, I needed to sleep my buzz off, and I needed Rachel. More than anything, I just needed Rachel. All of her. 

“I know you’re upset, and you’re mad at me, and I deserve it…I’m not arguing you on that. Just, please Quinn, let me drive you home?”

I searched her eyes and found nothing but her regret and fear, my head felt heavy and my eyes were practically closing. I nodded silently and shrugged away from her when she offered her hand to me. I quietly made my way back to my car and sat in the passenger seat. I avoided her the entire car ride home, choosing to look out the window instead. 

She didn’t even bother to turn on the radio as we made our way through the darkened streets of Lima towards my house. She pulled into the driveway and I got out of the car before she could put it in park. The house was dark and silent; my mother was still at her St. Patrick’s Day office party and I got up to my room before Rachel even made it out of the car. I wasn’t sure if she’d try to break down my door or if she’d already called someone to come and get her. She was supposed to sleep over but I wasn’t exactly sure how that was going to work. If worst came to worst, she could sleep in my bed while I took the couch. As upset as I was, I would never make her sleep somewhere uncomfortable. 

I’d already stripped off my clothes and thrown on pajamas by the time I heard the soft knocking on the door frame. I grabbed two articles of clothing from my dresser and turned back around; I threw the pajamas at her as I walked past in order to get to the bathroom. She nodded to herself and looked down.

I washed up for bed, making sure to splash some extra cold water on my face before I had to go back and face Rachel.

She reached for my arm as I walked past her again after returning to my room, “I’m sorry,” she whispered. 

I turned around and immediately noticed that she hadn’t changed into the pajamas I gave her, “It doesn’t matter,” I started in a soft voice as I pulled my blankets down, “we have to stop this anyway.”

“Why?” she asked, her panic was obvious no matter how hard she tried to hold it back.

I ran a hand through my hair, “Because we’re hurting Finn and I know that’s not what you want to do.”

“I’m going to break up with him,” she rushed out. 

“And what?” I took off my earrings and tossed them on my vanity, “We keep sneaking around?” I eyed her through the mirror. 

“He doesn’t mean anything to me.”

I turned back around after taking off the cross necklace, “Get real, Rachel.”

I felt a weird emptiness when I reached to pull off the ring Sam gave me, already forgetting that I’d taken care of him. 

“I don’t know how I could possibly get any more real.”

I turned around and rested against my dresser, staying as far away from her as possible for the time being, “It was fun while it lasted, but we both know that this was doomed from the start.”

“Why would you say that?”

I winced as I heard her voice break. 

“It’s true, look at us. We’re obviously not over our insecurities.” 

How easy was it for her to believe Sam’s lie? How easy was it for her to believe that I would do that to her?

“We’ll work through them together,” she continued.

“We cheated on our boyfriends, Rachel. Look at us, look at what’s going on around us…everything has gotten so out of hand. We tend to forget a world exists outside the two of us,” I said softly, “We’re selfish and we just hurt people, it won’t be long before we’re hurting each other, more than we have.”

She flinched at my words, “We can help each other, we can keep each other in line—” 

“Keep each other in line?” I laughed, “How are we supposed to do that? We’re bad for each other, we antagonize and instigate until one of us gets our way. Just last week, I convinced you to skip History and you missed a pop quiz,” I reminded her, hiding the small smile on my face at the memory. 

She seemed to be hiding a smile of her own, “So? You weren’t holding a gun to my head. I did that because I wanted to spend time with you.” 

I fought through the blush I felt coming on, “I’m a bad influence,” I told her.

“Can we stop the pity party? On Wednesday, I made you blow off Cheerios. So we’re not angels. I’m having a hell of a lot more fun sneaking around with you than when I’m in public with anyone else. That doesn’t mean we’re bad for each other, it means that we fit. We have something that I don’t want to give up, and you shouldn’t either. Besides, I tell you when you’re being ridiculous and you tell me when I’m talking too much,” she finally cracked a small smile and I pushed myself off the dresser and walked around the bed to meet her. 

“It’s not like you listen,” I teased her. 

“See? And you’re infuriatingly honest,” she grabbed my hands and ran her thumbs over the top of them. 

“Is that a fancy way of calling me a bitch?”

She smiled and ducked her head under my gaze, “How can you not see how completely perfect we are for each other?”

“I can see it,” I dropped my head a few inches and nudged her chin up with my nose, letting our lips meet for the briefest of moments, “And it terrifies me,” I whispered. 

She looked up at me through her long eyelashes, her brown eyes so soft and harmless, full of wonder and awe. I smiled softly and combed my fingers through her side bangs, leaning in to kiss her softly on the forehead. I tucked her closer to me as I rested my chin on top of her head. Her arms circled around my waist and pulled me tighter. 

“You and I, we’re different,” she said softly before pulling away to look up at me, “We get each other without trying too hard.”

My eyes scanned her face, “How you break down my walls so effortlessly has me petrified.” 

“You’re not getting rid of me that easily,” she spoke into the air.

I pulled away from her, “Why do you want to be with me? I mean, honestly?”

She backed up as well, “If you have to ask me that then I have half the mind to slap you, Quinn Fabray.”

“Is this some kind of popularity thing?” I asked.

It was an entirely stupid thing to do on my part but the theory popped into my head and couldn’t be ignored. The air between us was clear, but it fluctuated as easy as the tides came in, we could go from lunging down each other’s throats to holding one another in record time. It gave me whiplash. 

Her jaw dropped open, “I should ask you the same thing,” she countered with her hands on her hips.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Does your reluctance have to do with losing your status? Let’s face it Quinn, I’m not exactly royalty here, I can’t help but wonder if this has something to do with what people will say when they find out that we’re an item.”

“We’re not an item, Rachel! You’re still with Finn, and my status is the farthest thing from my mind, do you really think I’m that shallow? And why the hell aren’t you in the pajamas I gave you?” 

She looked to the pajamas balled up on the end of my bed and faltered a bit, “Finn’s coming to get me,” she began, “Well when Kurt gets him.”

My eyes opened wide, still unable to contain my jealousy, especially after everything we’d been through, “How cute,” I rolled my eyes before stomping over to my side of the bed and fluffing the pillows. 

“Ten minutes ago you wouldn’t even talk to me, I wasn’t expecting you to want me to still sleep over,” She defended herself. 

“It’s fine, you assumed right,” I shot back before turning off my bedside light and jumping into bed. 

Suddenly two quick blasts of a car horn sounded through the relatively quiet neighborhood and my heart sank. An eerie silence fell over us and I knew that her eyes were on me, perhaps she was torn on what to do. 

I adjusted myself until my back was facing her, pulled the comforter up to my ears, and closed my eyes as I felt the first tear surface. The pain in my neck was back and it was only a matter of time before I broke down. 

“Quinn, please don’t do this,” she began.

“I’m not doing anything, I’m going to sleep and you’d apparently rather leave.”

“Quinn.”

“Your Prince Charming is waiting,” I told her coldly.

A car horn beeped again and I felt her slipping through my fingers. I could fight for her, demand her to stay with me, feign drunken sickness or something, anything to get her to stay. She still wasn’t mine to claim, Finn still had her and as long as she was tied to him, I really could do nothing at all. Even if I wanted to, I shouldn’t. She was practically an adult; she could decide what to do. Nothing else could happen between us until she was single. 

I heard the door shut softly and thought maybe I’d feel the bed dip next to me, but when I heard her shoes padding down the stairwell I felt like punching a wall. Why did it have to be so damn complicated? Why were we always doing this awkward dance?

I stared up at the ceiling and waited to hear the car drive away, I thought about getting my cell phone and texting her my apologies. I hated fighting with her, I’d always hated fighting with her. It always left me with a guilty feeling that I couldn’t get rid of. 

Seconds turned into minutes and when I heard a loud noise I nearly fell out of bed in order to get to my window in time. Finn had kicked over a garbage can. 

My eyes widened and my heart dropped into my stomach. Whatever was happening didn’t look good. What even was happening?

Finn was fuming and his arms were flailing wildly, Rachel even flinched a few times. Kurt was out of the car and holding Finn back as he tried to get closer to Rachel. I should have been down there, helping with damage control or trying to tame the situation, but my feet wouldn’t move. I could only stare out of the frosty window from my third-floor bedroom in fear. 

Because I knew what she just did. 

Finn pointed at Rachel in accusation before he threw his hands in the air and took off. He wasn’t sprinting but his tall form could make it down a street quite quickly. Kurt consoled Rachel before getting back in his car and taking off in the direction of where Finn went. 

The entire thing happened in maybe thirty seconds but it felt like minutes, hours even. I swallowed any saliva I had to soothe my dry mouth and took off towards my stairs. I nearly tripped three times in my haste—and lingering drunkness— to get outside to Rachel. She was sitting on the curb huddled into herself and shaking softly. The entire sight broke my heart even more. 

My arms scooped her up and she felt like a rag doll, my arm circled her waist as I held her up. She was too weak to even stand. 

“What happened?” I asked softly, my eyes scanning her face to see if she was okay. 

She wasn’t crying but the look in her eyes was distant.

“Rach? Rachel.” 

She finally looked at me and as if a switch went on inside her head, she threw her arms around me as if she’d fall off a cliff if she didn’t hold on for dear life. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” I whispered repeatedly into her hair, “Everything is going to be fine.”

“How do you know?” she asked, her voice so uncharacteristically weary. 

I didn’t know, I had no idea. 

“Because I have you, and I’m not going to let anything happen to you, okay?”

She nodded against me.

“God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

I became desperate for her to know how incredibly sorry I was for putting her in that position. My stubbornness and jealousy landed her there, put her in a vulnerable situation that she probably wasn’t ready for, no matter how many times she had told me that she was going to break up with him. 

It could have been entirely prevented had she done it at a different time, a different day. Maybe when Finn hadn’t been drinking, or maybe he would have reacted that way regardless. Maybe Rachel knew that he’d act that way and it didn’t really matter when she told him that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. She saw how he’d reacted when he found out the baby wasn’t his, he was a loose cannon sometimes. But both times, he had every right. 

“Come inside,” I whispered as I clung to her.

I was still in cotton shorts and a t-shirt without shoes or socks, I was absolutely freezing but Rachel was keeping me as warm as she could. 

“You hate me,” she spoke sadly, “I’ll call my Dad.”

“I could never hate you,” I told her sincerely, “I’m sorry I made you do this, I’m a bad influence.”

She laughed into my neck, I think she was beginning to get cold because I felt her shiver against my skin, “You weren’t holding a gun to my head.”

I didn’t ask her again to come inside but she didn’t fight me when I began leading her back up the pathway and out of the cold. I continued to hold her as we made our way up both sets of staircases and back into my dark bedroom. I kicked the door closed with my foot and brought her over to my bed, blindly finding the pajamas that I had picked out for her. We didn’t need light, or explanations, or even words. We were going to be okay. Everything from earlier in the night no longer mattered and it wouldn’t be brought up again. 

I could feel the goose bumps rise across her skin as I began undressing her. She didn’t shy away from me as my lips brushed over her bare shoulders, and she held me closer as my finger tips lazily traced over the small of her back. We stayed like that for a few long minutes before I felt her shiver again and realized that she was probably freezing. 

I settled her into my side of the bed and climbed in behind her, draping my arm around her stomach as I cuddled into her back.

“We still can’t be together in public,” her soft voice broke the silence after a while and I felt her shifting in my arms so that she could face me. 

I watched her through heavy eyelids as my fingers continued to draw lazy patterns on her hip. Our legs intertwining as she moved closer to me, my heart rate picked up as it always did when we were this intimate. It really only happened on those weekend sleepovers we got to share, and on the occasional weeknight where we’d get alone time. 

But something about that night was unexplainable. It felt like we were finally free, we could do whatever we wanted without the guilt looming over us. We could be entirely honest with each other. We could just be.

“Is all of this worth it?” she asked as she looked up at me.

“You realize that this is only the beginning,” I replied, leaning in to place a small kiss on her lips, not being able to help myself, “Do you think it’s worth it?” 

“I think that you’re worth it.”

“I think I’m worth it too,” I smiled back lazily and her laugh practically lulled me to sleep right there, “You’re so worth it to me, Rach.”

She leaned in closer to kiss me again and kept our lips barely brushing as she pulled back, I nuzzled closer to her and we began sharing the same oxygen.

“Why?”

“Because you’re beautiful.”

“Shallow much?” she giggled and I found myself smiling as my eyes were still closed.

I was on the verge of sleep but I fought to stay conscious for as long as I could.

“Because you don’t care that it’s me you’re starting to fall in love with.”

She was right earlier, when she said my drunken thoughts were going to get me in trouble one day. 

“You seem just content to let me,” she whispered, “You’re certainly making it unbelievably easy.”

I shrugged softly to the best of my ability, “I don’t want to be the only one falling.” 

The beauty about drunken thoughts was the fact that I didn’t have to deal with the weight of them until the morning. And by then, I’d already be blinded by the brown eyes next to me, and distracted by the mere fact that my drunk ramblings were my sober truths.


	6. Making Memories

Things weren’t always easy between Rachel and I, in fact, those first few months were particularly rough. Everything was so brand new, so untouched and vulnerable. Our passion was out of control and so were our tempers. It was to be expected though, we were both strong-willed and opinionated, it was only natural that we’d clash on things. We weren’t perfect, far from it, but our imperfections made us perfect for each other. 

The week after we both broke up with our respective boyfriends was probably the worst week of it all. The indecision that surrounded us was like an invisible storm brewing. Did we make the right choices? Did the other one regret their decision? The first day back to glee, we were met with heartfelt solos that not only tested our patience but they tested our trust in each other. 

It’d be all too easy to run back into the arms of our waiting and more than welcoming ex-boyfriends. I’m not sure I even let go of the breath I was holding that entire week, always cringing before I’d turn a corner incase Rachel came to her senses and took Finn back. I could see her biting her lip in anticipation every time Sam would walk my way. We were letting it eat us alive. 

There was absolutely unfinished business waiting to resurface at any moment. Finn demanded to know who Rachel left him for and Sam thought that endless apologies would make up for the lies he was spreading. After Finn’s rendition of Heartless on the fifth day, I caught Rachel’s eyes as we filtered out of the choir room, and I knew that we’d both made the right choices.

I wasn’t kidding when I told Rachel that I was starting to fall for her, and it was a good thing too, because she certainly didn’t take it as a joke. We were somewhat inseparable following that, hanging out whenever we got the chance. It was hard to go from living at each other’s houses on the weekends to having to keep our distance during school hours. Not because we still didn’t acknowledge each other, but because if we got too close, we’d lose our self-control. 

It happened a few times, where blind passion completely took us over and we found ourselves nearly getting caught making out in the girls’ bathroom. Occasionally we’d just manage to pull away from each other seconds before someone would walk into the choir room. It was infuriating how attracted I was to her and it killed me that I still couldn’t have her whenever I wanted. How I couldn’t walk up to her after she was finished singing a song and kiss the hell out of her in front of everyone, or hold her hand as we walked to the cafeteria. 

Santana, ironically, was the only one who was smart enough to put it all together. She never said anything and I didn’t expect her to, she’d trust tested me on it and she was still sneaking around with Brittany. If anything, we looked out for each other. 

We were two short weeks from making it to the end of the school year. I could barely believe we lasted that long without anyone of importance finding out about our secret relationship and I could barely believe that the second half of the school year flew by that fast. I guess that’s what happened when you lived off of knowing smiles and secret get-togethers. I found myself not so much getting excited for the trivial high school things, but instead looking forward to seeing Rachel on Saturdays after her singing lessons, or Wednesday nights for dinner at her house. I even changed my class route so that I would have more chances to see her. 

Summer was literally kissing our skin with it’s warm weather, and the long nights and lazy mornings were right around the corner. I had every intention of spending the entire season lounging by my pool with Rachel in the chair next to me. But we had to get through Memorial Day first. It was a tease really, a three day weekend so close to the end of school. Just enough taste of what was to come and promising everything we couldn’t wait for. 

The car ride to Youngstown was long but not entirely boring, and I had Rachel to thank for that. Her never-ending supply of car games made the drive a little more bearable, even if it shouldn’t have taken four hours to get there. I could have made the trip in three hours but someone had a problem with my lead foot. The Valium my mother took had her knocked out in the backseat of her Volvo SUV before we even left Lima, perhaps a preemptive strike on avoiding Rachel’s 21 Questions game. It was nice, taking a road trip and being able to hold her hand across the center console the entire time. 

I was a little nervous when I’d invited Rachel to come along and crash my older sister’s Memorial Day neighborhood block party and only because it was the first time she’d be meeting my sister. My mother was simply thrilled that I’d found a friend that was appropriate enough to bring to such family functions, if anything it was because she didn’t have to worry about me being miserable and alone the entire time. I hated my sister’s husband, I hated what he turned her into. She was my hero when we were growing up, always taking it upon herself to shelter me from realities that would crush me at such a young age. I’d often find her speaking into her mirror with one of her hairbrushes, always practicing her acceptance speeches for the prestigious awards she’d never win. She was born to be an actress, her charm and looks surely would have led her there, but she settled instead of actually living. 

I refused to follow in her footsteps, no matter how much I used to look up to her. 

I watched on with a small frown as she mindlessly moved around her kitchen and prepared dinner.

You okay? Rachel mouthed from across the table.

I nodded and gave her a small smile to cease her worrying. 

“We should wake up Mom soon, no?” Abby asked me over her shoulder as she put lettuce into a large bowl. 

I glanced at the clock above the entryway into the kitchen, “She’s less cranky if you just let her wake up on her own.”

She chuckled a bit before nodding, “Right, how could I forget?” she turned around and wiped her hands on her apron, “Rachel, I’m so sorry that I didn’t get to meet you when I visited for Easter. Quinn said you were out of town?” 

I gritted my teeth as I remembered Easter, I was not thrilled with my family. 

“Yes, I’m afraid I had to visit family in Ann Arbor.”

I’d been set to leave with the Berrys that Friday morning to spend the last weekend of Spring Break with them in Michigan. The month of begging had finally paid off and I couldn’t have been more excited to get away from Lima. My iPod was fully charged, the magazines were purchased to keep Rachel occupied while I napped, and her favorite organic fruit snacks were packed in my bag. But Abigail showed up shouting surprise and my perfect weekend was kissed goodbye. Instead of getting a personalized tour of Ann Arbor from Rachel Berry, I was succumbed to family bonding. 

“Quinnie wasn’t too happy with me that weekend.”

Rachel glanced at me and probably saw my un-amused expression, “Oh she told me she had a lovely time with you that weekend,” she smiled sweetly. 

I raised an eyebrow in Rachel’s direction and she simply shrugged happily and took a sip of the homemade lemonade that my sister had given us. 

“So I hope it’s okay that you guys have to share a bed, perhaps I can run to Target and pick up a blow up mattress—”

“It’s fine.”

I may have cut in a little too hastily but Rachel nodded with me. 

“It’s quite alright, we don’t mind.”

I learned almost all of my facial expressions from watching my sister, and I could tell she wanted to press the issue further. I spoke up instead. 

“So where is Patrick?” 

It was strange to see her falter, “Oh. He should be home from work soon,” she smiled too wide for my liking when she turned back around. 

Rachel seemed to have noticed the weird vibe as well. 

“So what are you girls going to do this weekend? The block party isn’t until Sunday,” Her change of subject didn’t go over either of our heads. 

Rachel looked to me as if I had extravagant things planned for the two of us. 

I cleared my throat, “I thought that I’d take Rachel to lunch and we could walk around the town for a while, maybe see a movie tomorrow night.”

I had to bite my lip to not return the beaming smile that she was sending me. She loved to go on little dates and I’d try my best to make them special for her but there was only so much that we could do in Lima without being outed as a couple. I couldn’t hold her hand as we walked through the mall, I couldn’t put my arm around her when we went to a theater, I couldn’t kiss her when she came back from the bathroom at dinner. It sucked royally. But I knew what she was thinking, maybe our weekend together in Youngstown could be our test run. It was still Ohio but we wouldn’t be recognized, and we could act like the couple that we were in private. The more I thought about it, the happier it made me. 

Rachel and I continued to watch my sister as she prepared dinner, sharing small glances every once and a while, occasionally mouthing small words of hello each time we’d catch each other’s eyes. My mother woke up eventually and Patrick came home as we were washing up for dinner. 

Dinner was quite an uncomfortable experience and if it wasn’t for Rachel’s interest in what it was that the two of them did for a living, we would have all just awkwardly ate in silence. I nearly lunged out of my chair when I noticed Patrick’s discomfort over the fact that Rachel’s parents were gay. The only thing that saved his jugular was Rachel’s reassuring palm on my thigh under the table. 

After dinner, Rachel and I retired to our shared guest room feigning exhaustion. I crashed onto the bed and Rachel followed behind me. She pulled herself closer to me and rested her head on my spread out arm. 

“Quinn?” she asked softly.

“Hmm?”

I didn’t realize how tired I actually was until I hit the bed, and Rachel’s warm body mixed with a food coma from dinner was begging me for an early bedtime. I had no qualms about it, nothing felt better than snuggling after a long day.

“How long have they been separated?”

I opened my eyes, picked my head up off the bed, and turned on my side to look at her. For a second I thought she was talking about my own parents, but she already knew the back story with that. And not just from me, she occasionally got the ramblings from my mother, especially after Rachel had gone to lunch with her one afternoon while I was at Cheerios practice. 

“Who?”

“Your sister and her husband.”

I shook my head, she was crazy. I got up from the bed and made my way over to my Vera so I could find something comfortable to change into, it doubled as a distraction. 

“What makes you think that?” 

I could hear her sitting up on the bed, “Well as you know, I’m a very good judge of character and I’m also extremely perceptive.”

“Right,” I nodded along, just paying attention enough to know what to say in response. 

God, I didn’t know what I had been thinking when I packed the night before. There was nothing in my bag that I wanted to wear. I eyed Rachel’s small suitcase, well, it was small for her, and began rifling through her clothing. I made sure to not wrinkle any of her skirts or pressed shirts and found her pink plaid pajama pants and a drama camp shirt from three summers before. 

“Trust me, they’re no longer living in the same house.”

I turned around once what she had said registered with me. 

“That’s impossible.”

There was just no way.

“You saw how they were acting around each other, forced smiles that turned into grimaces a second later, uncomfortable conversation, awkward touching, Patrick smelled of alcohol and had glitter on his neck.”

I thought about what she was saying and started adding to it without having to try too hard. Her Easter surprise was unplanned, sure, but it was rather odd that Patrick hadn’t made the trip with her. Every time we’d talked on the phone, he seemed to always be away on business. There weren’t even any pictures of the two of them around the house anymore. 

“Oh my god, you’re right,” I spoke absently as I sat on the edge of the bed.

“You really had no idea?”

“How would I have known?”

I could feel her shrug behind me, “I don’t know, from what you’ve said, your family has the tendency to sweep things under the rug.”

“Yeah but- wow. I really had no idea,” I breathed out, I turned to face her when I felt her hand on my shoulder, “I would have told you if I’d known, you have to believe me.”

“You just found out that your sister’s marriage is crumbling and you’re worried that I’d be upset that you didn’t tell me? That doesn’t sound right, Quinn.”

I dropped my gaze to the comforter, “I don’t want you thinking that I would keep anything from you.”

She moved closer to me, “Quinn, you’ve been nothing but honest to me since we’ve gotten together, you’ve practically bared your soul to me.”

“A healthy relationship needs to be an open relationship.”

My response came out almost systematically. 

“Is this about something else? Are you afraid to make the same mistakes your family made?”

“No, it’s just…” I didn’t know what was going on with me, “Yeah…I am. I’m so scared.”

I could feel Rachel’s hand rubbing reassuring circles on my back, “What are you scared of?”

“I don’t know,” I replied, really having no idea what was wrong with me all of a sudden. 

“Look at me,” she gently coaxed.

I picked my head up and met her gaze finally. 

“Sweetheart, why are you crying?”

I still had no idea. Everything just hit me all at once, all of these things that I didn’t even know I was worried about started becoming my biggest fears. 

“I don’t know,” I sobbed out, “I’m just really emotional for some reason, being here just reminds me of everything I hate about my family now.”

“Come here,” she pulled me towards her and put her arms around me. 

I could hear her shushes in my ear as she held me closer to her. 

“I’m scared,” I sighed and closed my eyes, “I’m scared because it’s like I’m expected to fail now, and it’s only a matter of time before I do.”

“Why would you say that?”

“It’s true, I’m a cheater and I don’t deserve you.”

“Okay, enough of this, you’re Quinn Fabray! You get what you want and you don’t take shit from anyone, you’re a powerful person and no one can convince you otherwise. Repeat after me, I am Quinn Fabray and I get what I want.”

“I’m not repea—”

“Repeat!”

I rolled my eyes as I wiped some of the tears with the back of my hand, “I am Quinn Fabray and I get what I want.”

“What do you want?”

“You.”

She smiled softly before her stern expression came back into place, “Well you have me, so do you feel better?”

“Not really,” I shook my head. 

Rachel hmphed and seemed stumped. 

“That normally works,” she muttered to herself. 

“What were you trying to accomplish?”

“I was trying to make you confident again…Okay, you know what? New plan. You’re no longer Quinn Fabray.”

“I’m not?”

She shook her head, “No. You’re not a Fabray, you’re just Quinn. My Quinn.”

“Your Quinn?”

She ducked her head so that she could get right into my line of vision, “I really don’t care if you’re a Fabray or not, and you shouldn’t either. To me, you’re just Quinn.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Quinn Fabray is,” she paused momentarily, “Quinn Fabray is guarded and reserved, pressured to conform and judged if she doesn’t, she covers her hesitancy with false bravado, and her fears and insecurities haunt her if she’s not careful,” she held up her finger when I went to protest, “My Quinn is adorably charming without realizing it, she’s honest with the best intentions, she protects me from things that not even she can protect herself from, and she even trusts me enough to admit that she’s scared.”

I looked down and smiled to myself, still not believing that Rachel Berry was the only one who could comfort me when I needed it, “I don’t want to lose you.”

She laughed softly, “How many times have I told you that I’m not going anywhere?”

“Yeah, you say that but I’m sure you’ve said the same thing to Finn, Jesse even.”

She watched me for a few silent seconds before finally answering, maybe she realized that I had a point, “Sure, when I fall, I fall. But this is different, this is real. I can’t explain it but you just have to trust me.”

“I do trust you.”

“I know that you’ve been burned by so many people, but I’m never going to abandon you, Quinn.”

Her sincerity freed me of whatever chains were invisibly restraining me to all the negativity. 

I ran both my index fingers under my eyes to ensure no makeup had smudged and laughed through the remaining tears that had already started to dry, “God, look at me, I’m a dramatic mess.”

“Hey,” she spoke and I turned my head a bit to glance at her, “if you take anything away from this conversation, it’s that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being dramatic,” she smiled wide and I laughed harder. 

I continued to blindly fix my eye makeup, “You’re always there for me when something goes wrong.”

“That’s my job.”

To some people, that may have been a burden but she seemed to genuinely enjoy being the one I went to when things were going horribly awry. 

“I feel like you’re constantly consoling me, when am I ever the one to be there for you?” I asked lightly. 

She stilled my hand and swiped her thumb under my eye to get the mascara that I had missed, “The glitter malfunction last week, when my Dad ate the last wheat bagel, that time we watched three Nicolas Sparks movies and I couldn’t stop crying, when that Thai restaurant got my order wrong, in April when I had to get blood work you held my hand and didn’t get embarrassed when I passed out, when I couldn’t find my pink pen and you went to Staples to buy me an industrial sized pack, three weeks ago you stood up for me when Mr. Schuester tried to ruin my life.”

I chuckled to myself, “Mr. Schuester is always trying to ruin your life.”

“I know! It’s like he has a personal vendetta against me!” I laughed harder and rested my head on her shoulder as she put her arm around me, “Do you feel better?” 

I nodded against her and felt her kiss the top of my head. 

“Let’s get ready for bed,” she spoke softly and I nodded once again.

It was only 8 o’clock but there was nothing that sounded more appetizing to me than going to sleep early with Rachel next to me. 

I noticed that she went straight for my bag of clothes instead of getting another pair of her pajama pants out. Maybe that’s what I had been anticipating when I packed the previous night. I packed for what Rachel would want to wear to bed and she packed for what I’d like to wear to bed. 

She smiled bashfully as she began unchanging and my face heated up as I shyly looked away. We were close but for some reason it still felt appropriate to give her privacy when she changed in front of me. 

“Will you sing me a song?” I asked her after brushing my teeth.

“Why Quinn, I thought you’d never ask,” she smiled as she pulled down the comforter on her side, “what would you like to hear tonight?”

I had a habit of asking her to sing me to sleep most nights, especially when I was having a bad day. She tended to pick songs from her favorite musicals but I didn’t mind, she normally put her own spin on them, somewhat of a soft reprise. 

“Anything you want,” I told her as I climbed into the bed. 

“I have the perfect song,” she smiled softly as she climbed in after me.

She leaned against the headboard and reached down to run her fingers through my hair as she cleared her throat.

“When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love.”

Her soothing voice was literally giving me chills, it wasn’t her show choir voice, it was something reserved. Something that she didn’t often share. I turned over on my stomach and put my arm across her body as I started to get lost in the words she was singing. 

“When the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love.”

I listened to what she was telling me, what she hadn’t been able to tell me in her own words yet. She chose the song for a reason and the reason made me see everything just a little bit clearer. I closed my eyes and tried to pull her closer to me as her hand began drawing lazy circles on my back.

“I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue, I'd go crawling down the avenue. No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do, to make you feel my love.”

Just like on New Years when everything hit me tenfold, it was happening again as we laid together in the dimmed guest room of my sister’s house. It was just the two of us. It had always felt like the two of us since the beginning. I reached up and tugged her shoulder until she got what I was hinting at. I heard her chuckle softly before sliding down the bed until she was just as flat as I was. I opened my eyes to find her staring back at me with her soft eyes. 

“I could make you happy, make your dreams come true. Nothing that I wouldn't do, go to the ends of the Earth for you, to make you feel my love.”

She brought her voice down so that it didn’t go any further than between the two of us and I watched her intently as she sang every single word with deeper meaning. It was late May but the sun had already set, leaving a soft glow of pink in the sky. It was my favorite type of night, but not even that could bring my attention away from Rachel. 

“To make you feel my love.”

Nothing in the world could tear my gaze away from her in that moment. 

“That was amazing, Rach.”

She ducked her head, “Do you feel it?”

I leaned closer and brushed my lips against hers, giving her time to register my kiss before I latched onto her lips for a second time. My eyes closed as my hand slid over her cheek, her own hand came up to grasp my wrist as I continued to move closer. It was the slowest kiss we’d ever shared, but it was the neediest as well. The amount of force that we put behind our lips was enough to leave noticeable bruising, but it was so worth it. Her soft whimpers were raw as we continue to relay everything we couldn’t say out loud. Her promises were sealed by my need, and my fear erased by her confessions. I kissed back with so much power that her lips trembled against mine, but it was painful how slow we were actually kissing. Judging by my heart beat, you’d have thought it was a stolen kiss, something that wasn’t meant for us to share. 

It was heart-wrenching honesty, a want so large that it ached to actually think about, something so deep that it was hard to put into words without wanting to just cry. 

In fact, she was the first one to start crying through our tender kiss, her death grip made me kiss harder and eventually my own tears joined hers. I just couldn’t get enough of her no matter how hard I tried and I wasn’t used to feeling like that. I’d never felt that way about anyone or anything. We didn’t pull away from each other for a long time, no matter how badly our lungs burned for the sweet release of air, no matter how dizzy it was making us. We held each other as if nothing else in the world mattered, because at that moment, nothing else did matter. 

She just told me that she loved me for the first time in her own way, and kissing the life out of her was my way of saying it back 

/

The next morning I woke to the buzzing of Rachel’s phone on the nightstand, and I reached my arm across the bed to find warm sheets but no warm body. I was almost positive that I fell asleep the night before with Rachel holding me.

“Rach?” I asked into the room without opening my eyes. 

“Over here,” she whispered from completely the opposite side of the room that I was expecting her to be on, “Go back to sleep.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m just going for a run.”

“Are you crazy? What time is it?” I groaned. 

“8.”

I sat up a little and finally opened my eyes to see her tying her sneakers. The sun was bright and hitting me directly in the eye.

“8? Isn’t that a little late for you? Don’t you wake up at like 4?”

She laughed before standing and walking over to me, “It appears that it’s impossible to get out of bed on time when I’m sharing it with you,” she leaned down and kissed me softly, “And it’s 5 on school days and 7 on weekends.”

I grinned to myself and ran a hand over my tired eyes, “I’ll come with you.”

She stood a little straighter and put her hands on her hips, “You want to come for a run with me?”

“Sure, why not? I certainly can’t let you roam around this town by yourself.”

“I have an excellent GPS in my mind,” she reasoned, “Go back to sleep, I’ll be back in an hour.”

“You know I won’t be able to fall back to sleep without you.”

She studied me for a few long seconds, debating it in her head, “You won’t be able to keep up.”

Oh, her poor disillusioned soul. 

“Hello? I’m a Cheerio…you don’t think I could run circles around you?”

She had a teasing smirk on her lips, “Not everything is a competition, Quinn, you taught me that.”

“So then let’s enjoy a nice run together,” I smiled wider, “Let me buy you breakfast.”

She crossed her arms, “Fine,” she huffed playfully, “Go borrow something of your sisters and I’ll meet you outside.”

“You better not leave without me, Berry,” I warned as I opened the door, nearly tripping in my haste to hurry.

I was fully expecting her to be long gone by the time I managed to get downstairs. I hit a few detours trying to find the appropriate attire for a morning jog, and my sister was less than thrilled by the surprise wake-up call but I was able to pull something together and have it match. I found Rachel stretching her hamstrings, and she looked entirely adorable in her pink running shorts and one of my white long sleeved t-shirts. She turned once she heard me and taught me the proper way to do lunge.

Of course I knew the proper way to lunge, I just enjoyed her groping. 

The mile-long run was refreshing and the small café I took her to for breakfast seemed to please her. Our walk back to my sister’s house was filled with constant laughing and the occasional kiss when no cars were around. After our showers, we found ourselves back in the small shopping area of the town and I made sure to take her to the places that she’d spotted earlier in the morning. But our time was mostly monopolized by rummaging through the vintage clothing store and then we spent nearly two hours in a music store. 

“I can’t believe we’re holding hands,” she commented as we made our way back to the car. 

“It’s weird, right? To be in public and not have someone we know see us,” I smiled to myself before leaning over to kiss her temple, she playfully knocked into me as we walked, “Although I’m half expecting to see Sylvester somewhere lurking.”

She shivered and I’m not sure if it was jokingly or seriously, “Sometimes I wish that we could just run away together,” she said somewhat dreamily. 

I turned to look at her with a smirk, “Run away together, huh? Where would we go?”

“I don’t know actually,” she shrugged, “Wherever.”

“You mean,” I mock gasped, “You haven’t planned it out in excruciating detail?”

She smacked my arm and I continued to laugh, “I don’t need to plan everything, sometimes it’s nice to just live in the moment.”

“I agree,” I smiled to myself before maneuvering my head so that I could plant a lingering kiss on her lips as we walked down the brick sidewalk. 

She looked up at me with another distinct look of shock as I continued to pretend like nothing monumental just happened. Inside I was dying, my heart was beating wildly in my chest as I replayed my boldness in my head. I felt invincible. 

“But seriously, where would we run away to?”

We walked in silence for a bit longer before she answered, “I’ve always liked the East coast, New York? Maybe Boston? 

“One day,” I replied, finding myself wishing that day would come sooner.

“Really?”

I glanced down at her, “Sure, why not?

“I just never thought we’d be having a conversation like this,” she answered before glancing up at me, “it’s nice.”

I nodded and we continued to walk past the small boutiques. 

I’d never told Rachel just how much it was that I actually thought about things like that. It was so easy for me to escape to that alternate reality when I didn’t want to think about my real life problems. When I’d be bored in Schuester’s Spanish class, when I would get berated by Coach Sylvester, when I’d have to listen to Sam list off the reasons on why I should consider taking him back, when I had to listen to Finn dedicate his solos to Rachel; it was all too easy to pretend I was somewhere else. 

But being in Youngstown with her, even if my mother and sister were also in the house, I couldn’t help but fantasize about a future where nothing really mattered. All that morning, when we were jogging together, laughing over pancakes, playing iSpy on the walk home, trying on vintage clothing, or even sifting through thousands of albums; I couldn’t help but block out everything except Rachel. 

“This weekend has me daydreaming quite a lot, like right now, we’re not in high school,” I told her as I watched her eye a pair of shoes in a store window. 

Her gaze tore away from them instantly, “We’re not?”

“No, we’re Rachel and Quinn and we’ve been together for five years, we just dropped our golden retriever off at the groomers,” I told her as I swung our hands back and forth between us. 

She smiled when she figured out what it was that I was doing, “You’re walking me to my call time, it’s opening night of the Rent revival and I’ve been cast as Maureen Johnson.”

“Doesn’t that mean you have to kiss another girl?”

She nudged my shoulder with her head and watched her feet as we walked, “Instead of going out with the rest of the cast,” she started, “I come home early to find you on the floor of our one bedroom studio apartment with Charlie.”

I arched an eyebrow, that certainly didn’t sound pleasant, “Charlie?”

She laughed and tugged my hand closer to her, “Our golden retriever, of course!”

“Right, right.” 

“You’re wrestling a tennis ball out of his mouth but you don’t notice me yet,” she continued the corny fantasy. 

I turned a cheesy grin on her, “But you notice the bouquet of flowers I got you after your opening night performance.”

“None of this is freaking you out?” she asked suddenly. 

I was hoping she would go into more detail about what would happen after she saw the bouquet of flowers.

“I’m getting antsy and impatient, why can’t it be five years from now?”

I was never exactly a patient person.

“Five years from now we’re going to wish we were back in this moment, no responsibilities or worries.”

I scoffed, “Worries? We have tons of worries.”

“Maybe, but we’re young so nothing really matters yet.”

Rachel dropped my hand as we stopped in front of my mom’s car, “I guess.”

She hopped in the passenger seat before I had the chance to open the door for her, “I’m not scaring you with the details of our future together?” she asked me once I was sitting in the driver’s seat. 

“I’m actually kind of scared that it won’t happen, 5 years seems so far away, Rachel. And even then, we’ll only be 22.” 

“Let’s not think like that then,” she punctuated it with a smile and grabbed my hand over the center console as I started to drive. 

She was right, why was I even dwelling on something that I shouldn’t have been worrying about in the first place. 

We arrived back at my sister’s house just in time to wash up for dinner. Apparently her husband got called into the office and that left my mother and Abigail to fend for themselves at the shopping outlets. Patrick wasn’t home for dinner and I finally allowed myself to see right through my sister’s obvious lies. I wondered if my mother knew and pretended not to, whether my sister asked her to or not, or if she really had no idea.

The movie that Rachel chose to go see that night was actually surprisingly good but I had to succumb to her I told you so’s right away or else she’d never let me hear the end of it. It felt like an actual date and that’s what I wanted, she didn’t even give me that hard of a time when I bought the tickets and snacks. We got home relatively late so when we saw my sister in the kitchen baking, we both decided to help her out with whatever desserts she was making for the following day. 

The block party was fun, though I was slightly on edge in the beginning. Everyone in the neighborhood was in attendance and I was waiting for someone to recognize Rachel and I as those two girls walking around town with linked hands. I finally relaxed after a while and enjoyed the nice weather, the various foods were phenomenal and we were even able to sneak a few malt beverages. Luckily, it didn’t turn me into an angry drunk, which was surprising because the boys we had met were being all too obvious in their attraction towards Rachel. She claimed that they were flirting with both of us but I honestly wasn’t paying attention to that aspect, I was watching Rachel practically the entire time. After a while, it was kind of fun to tease them, especially because I had something that they all wanted. 

Rachel made a great impression that weekend as I predicted her to and Abigail even took it upon herself to invite Rachel to go food shopping on our last day. An invitation was never offered to me for no other reason than because my sister wanted to have quality bonding time with my new friend. I had nothing to worry about, right?

“Your sister knows,” Rachel’s shaky voice rang through the guest room, “She knows. She knows. She knows. She knows.”

Rachel had shut the door and was leaning up against it with her eyes closed, chanting repeatedly. I got up from the rocking chair I was sitting in and walked over to her, hoping my panic wouldn’t send her into a further panic. 

“What? What do you mean?”

“Your sister, she knows about us,” she spoke before swallowing, “I don’t know how but she knows,” she finally looked at me. 

We stared at each other for a few long seconds, my world felt like it was crashing and burning around me and she just looked apologetic. 

“What did you say to her?” I asked quickly.

That moment where overwhelming fear and unnecessary guilt clashed together was what I was feeling in my chest. It was like hearing my father call me by my full name before I’d be scolded for doing something. It felt like coming home three hours past curfew only to find my mother waiting up for me in the den. It felt like I was getting called to the Principal’s office but not knowing what I could have done to land me there. I was terrified of what it all meant. Someone knew about us. 

“Nothing, I barely even spoke,” she rushed out, “She was talking about your transformation and everything was fine. She said that I was responsible and naturally I blushed because she was telling me that I was the reason her little sister wasn’t such a cold-hearted bitch anymore and, and she said she envied what we had and that our secret was safe.”

I could tell Rachel was on the verge of tears, she felt to blame even though it really wasn’t her fault at all. The fault was really not on either of us. We were always careful around each other but sometimes our feelings were entirely see-through. I should have taken extra precaution around my sister. 

“Shh breathe, it’s okay,” I whispered as I pulled her into me.

Her grip tightened around my back, “No, you’re so mad at me.”

She sounded so weak and vulnerable that it nearly made my heart break. I had to be the strong one if either of us wanted to make it out alive. At that moment, I needed to be her Quinn. I needed to protect her from something that I wasn’t even sure I could protect myself from. 

“I’m not mad at all, that’s how Abigail is,” I spoke softly into her ear as my hand rubbed circles on her back.

My fear was turning quickly into anger. I could feel it rising up within me as I held a broken Rachel in my arms. 

“What do you mean?”

“She used you to get to me.”

She pulled back to look at me, “What’s going to happen?”

I bit my lip to keep from lashing out on her, it wasn’t her fault, my anger was aimed elsewhere, “I have no idea.”

“What are you going to do?” she asked cautiously. 

“I don’t know.”

I really didn’t know what I could do. I knew what I wanted to do but most of those things were illegal.

I could see the wheels turning in her head. 

“What if she tells your parents and they ship you to military school? What if your mom kicks you out again? What if they’re all downstairs preparing for an intervention? What if this is the last time I’ll ever see you again?” her eyes went wide before she lunged forward and connected our lips together.

I was knocked off balance, both from the force she used and the setting realization that her dramatics might have been appropriate for the situation. I matched her kiss the best I could but my mind was understandably elsewhere. I refused to let that be the last time I saw Rachel, intervention downstairs or not, we’d be leaving that weekend together and intact. 

I pulled away and closed my eyes when I saw the beginnings of tears in her eyes. I couldn’t see her crying if I had any chance of protecting the both of us. 

“I promise you that everything will be okay, I need to go talk to my sister,” I told her through gritted teeth.

I couldn’t believe any of it was happening. The weekend had been the closest thing to perfect that either of us could have experienced and it was a more than pleasant surprise. But just like that it would be tainted with the horrible feeling of being found out. An unsettling sensation was in the pit of my stomach as I thought about what potentially waited for us now, we’d just started to really get to know each other and it could soon be over.

Her fears were real and that’s what scared me the most. 

“Is that a real promise?”

My eyes flew open and I clenched my jaw, “Don’t make me answer that,” I pleaded. 

“Then don’t promise it.”

I nodded solemnly, “I’ll be back.”

I turned to the stair case and for a second it looked like they led to a dark dungeon. Everything was so safe up in our guest room, Rachel and I could be ourselves behind the closed door and my family didn’t matter. I thought about turning around, grabbing Rachel, and escaping out the window. Maybe we could just run away from everything, it’d be so easy. It was so easy for me to run away from things. But Rachel didn’t run away from things and as scared as she was, I knew she wouldn’t let me run away from this. 

But what if my mother was already told, what if my father had been called, what if they’d already arranged for some private boarding school to take me away and fix me? My mother could claim she loved me all she wanted but would it be enough to balance out her daughter’s sinful relationship with another girl? Why did everything seem ten times worse when you were a teenager?

I marched forward before I had the chance to dwell on it further, I had no idea what was waiting for me by the time I got downstairs. I transformed into a Fabray, the guarded and vicious girl who put other people down that got too close. It was the only way I knew how to deal with the situation. My face remained clear of all expression as I opened the back door to find my sister sitting at her glass patio table with a book.

“I can’t believe you,” I shot at her before I’d even made it to the table. 

Seeing her just jumpstarted me further into my role of the fearless bitch that refused to go down without a fight. 

She glanced up and smiled a bit, “Wow, still predictable.”

“I’m going to kill you,” I began lunging for her. 

I didn’t know what had come over me. 

She held her hands up, “Take it easy.” 

“Rachel is upstairs practically in tears over this and you’re telling me to take it easy?”

I was seething as she continued to pretend like it wasn’t a big deal.

“Just sit down.”

I threw my hands to my hips and stood tall, “Why should I?”

“You haven’t denied anything yet so I’m assuming it’s true?”

I remained silent and my glare was unwavering. I refused to let her trick me into saying something detrimental until I knew what her intentions were.

She rolled her eyes and kicked out a chair with her foot, “Look, I just want to talk to you.”

“I’m not talking to you about my relationship with Rachel, you can’t even keep your own marriage together.”

“Ouch Quinn,” she shook her head with a humorless laugh, “I guess you still go for the jugular when you feel threatened.”

It was text book Quinn to go after someone’s weakness when I felt them too close to mine. 

I scoffed, “I’m not threatened by you. Go ahead and tell Mom, you can even tell Dad for all I care, you can’t hold this over my head.”

“What are you talking about? I’m not going to tell them anything, will you just shut up and sit down?”

I pulled the chair out further and sat down, not removing my eyes from her. She took a sip of her homemade lemonade and ran a finger through her side bangs as she studied me. The sun was in my eyes but it added to the overall effect that I was hoping for. Intimidation. 

“Why would I tell mom?” 

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“Rachel’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms, “You tell me that like I don’t already know.”

Her eyebrow rose at my tone, “What did I ever do to you? When did you become so spiteful towards me?”

“You made my life hell!”

“How!?”

I closed my eyes and counted to three. It was something Rachel had taught me when I’d have to deal with ignorant ex boyfriends and jackass best friends, it was designed to keep me somewhat calm when I wanted to fly off the handle. 

“By being the perfect child to mom and dad, it was impossible trying to fill those shoes and I nearly killed myself trying to live up to the expectations you set.”

She laughed a laugh that only a big sister could laugh, it felt degrading, “So my life was just a walk in the park?” 

“I don’t recall you getting pregnant at 16,” I threw back at her. 

For what reason, I couldn’t be sure. It really had nothing to do with my past but we might as well get everything out in the open. I could think of thousands of reasons of why I spited her; the way her blonde hair barely needed any maintenance throughout the day, how she was the one that got the baby blue eyes, how almost all of my ex-boyfriends would stutter around her when she came to town, how it was so easy for her to get the things that she wanted. 

“Now you’re blaming me for a bad drunken decision? What else do you want to throw on me?”

“I’m not blaming you, I’m just making sure that you’re aware that I had it way worse than you. You got out of that town, you settled down, and you did everything right.”

I struck a nerve within her somewhere along the line. 

“Right, because Youngstown is so much greater than Lima. I had dreams Quinn, you think I wanted to marry some lawyer right out of college? I’m only 24 for heaven’s sake and I hate the life I felt obligated to take! I wanted to move to Los Angeles and work my way up to the red carpet, I wanted the glamorous life. The only reason Dad let me star in those high school plays was because it looked good on an application.”

I was over her pity party. She was the one that settled for a lawyer instead of chasing down her dream, I had never been more disappointed in my life then when I heard of their engagement. 

“What happened to you? I used to look up to you.”

She scoffed, “Look up to me? I used to envy you, I still do.”

“My life’s not that great,” I reminded her sadly.

“Isn’t it? You’re still in high school, you haven’t even begun to live, you can do whatever you want.”

“I can’t hold my girlfriend’s hand in public.”

She was silent for a few seconds and it was the first time I took my eyes off her since I got outside. I couldn’t see her sympathy and I didn’t want her guilt. But it was out there, the truth that she already figured out on her own. 

“Quinn,” she started softly. 

“I’m terrified,” I told her as I moved my hand away before she could reach it, “Every morning I’m scared to get out of bed, what if that’s the day people find out about us?”

Her lips formed a small frown, “You shouldn’t be scared.”

“I have every reason to be,” I inhaled as I closed my eyes; my breath came out shaky as I desperately tried to reel in my emotions.

I refused to cry in front of her.

“Look, I dropped the ball on being there for you after I left home, I won’t make that same mistake again,” she told me softly. 

I wanted to believe her because who doesn’t want to believe their older sister when they say things like that? But I’d been abandoned by every member of my family before and while I was able to forgive them, I’d never be able to forget it. 

“How are you supposed to be there for me when you live three hours away? It’s not like you can beat someone up if they call me a bad name.”

She tapped her French manicured nails across the glass table as she thought, “No, I guess I can’t, but I’m someone to talk to. I’m a really good listener now, I have to be if I want to survive Pilates class with the other housewives.” 

I laughed a little, of course my sister situated herself in nearly every acceptable group around town. Much like myself, she’s always had the need to fit in and be normal. Book clubs, exercise classes, dinner parties, and even the occasional charitable function. 

“Maybe I can stay here when Mom eventually kicks me out,” I laughed but it was entirely bitter. 

“Don’t say that, Dad was the crazy one,” she reminded me. 

“Yeah well, you never know.”

“There is no way that woman is going to disown you again, trust me,” she seemed more sure of that than anything else. 

I still wasn’t sure of anything. 

“Well I’d rather be safe than sorry,” I told her as my eyes casted over the back yard she’d spent so much time keeping in pristine condition. 

I could see her frowning out of the corner of my eye, “It’s not easy to see your little sister scared to be herself.”

I turned back to her with a small smirk, “It’s not easy to see your older sister’s life in shambles.”

“It’s not completely in shambles, one of my college friends needs a roommate out in New York, I’m thinking that I’m going to move in with her once the divorce settles.”

“Divorce?! Jesus Abs, I thought it was just a trial separation or something.”

She held her hand up to Shh me, I guess I had been yelling a bit. 

“He’s been having an affair with his secretary for six months,” she said lowly, probably because she wasn’t sure where my mother was, “I found out about two months ago.”

“Is that why you showed up on Easter?”

She nodded, “Sorry I crashed your weekend with Rachel, had I known I would have insisted you gone.”

I waved her off, I felt incredibly guilty for being such a brat when she’d just found out her husband was cheating and all she wanted was to be with her family. 

“Does Mom know about you and Patrick?”

She shook her head, “I haven’t told her yet, I guess I’m just embarrassed. How did you even know?”

Once Rachel planted the idea in my head, it was pretty obvious to put together all the pieces. I wondered if deep down I knew but refused to acknowledge it.

“Rachel’s extremely perceptive.”

She chuckled to herself and nodded her head, “Sounds about right, she’s quite lively isn’t she?”

I couldn’t help but feel the pride swirling around in my body at the mention of her. She made me feel giddy.

“She makes me smile from time to time.”

“Well if that isn’t the downplay of the century, I don’t know what is.”

I ducked my head, “She’s really great.”

“Go get her.”

“What?”

“Go up and get her, I’d like to meet her again, perhaps as your girlfriend this time?”

I studied her for a few seconds, waiting to see if maybe she was just kidding, but when she pointed towards the back door I leapt off the chair and raced up the stairs to get her. 

She was surprised at first, and it took me at least a minute to convince her that there was no gay intervention waiting for her in the living room. I took her hand and her hesitancy only doubled when I didn’t drop her hand as we walked through the house and out the back door to where my sister was waiting with an amused smile. 

Abigail made me re-introduce Rachel to her. Naturally, she turned to me with a cross between panic and confusion until my sister assured her that everything would be fine. 

And for once, I actually believed her.


	7. America, The Beautiful

Summer had been my savior, as it was practically every year, but that year especially. Rachel and I barely saw each other during finals week, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. We were preoccupied with studying for our individual exams but we still made time to talk on the phone before bed. I figured out how to be sneaky towards the end and feigned ignorance when it came to American Literature so she’d help me study for the short essay answers. We shared that class together so it worked out quite nicely that it happened to be our last test of the week. We cleaned out our lockers, threw our notebooks in the trash, and kissed McKinley goodbye for the next three months. The only thing we had to worry about was my Cheerios pre-season at the end of August and Rachel’s show choir camp that was the last week of June. 

I intended to make the best of every single day that summer had to offer me. Whether we were lounging outside near my pool, or taking a road trip to the lake with whatever glee members were left behind, it was beautiful. It was the last real summer we had before we had to deal with real life. We knew the following summer would be filled with dorm accessory shopping, orientations, and college things. We knew that it would end with tearful goodbyes to Lima and everyone from the town. The summer before our senior year was going to be spent drama free and not one regret was going to be had. 

We escaped Memorial Day weekend with minor scratches, it had the potential to be catastrophic but it actually turned out all right. Rachel, Abigail, and I spent the remainder of our last day talking outside and just being entirely honest with what we turned into. Rachel told her in proud detail about how big of a romantic I was when I turned the clock back on New Years eve, she told her how she’d always felt a magnetic pull towards me but didn’t realize what it was until we shared our first kiss that night, she explained the drama surrounding our boyfriends at the time, how we were both fighting our attraction on Valentine’s day only to know exactly what we needed to say to the other person in our apologies, the misunderstanding surrounding our St. Patrick’s Day fiasco, she told her all about Sam’s lies, and even how scared she had been to break up with Finn. 

Abigail sat in rapt attention the entire time, only interrupting to ask questions. She’d nudge my shoulder playfully when I’d blush at Rachel’s word choices occasionally and made sure to have appropriate noises for whatever part of the story Rachel was telling. It was an entirely embarrassing experience that I never wanted to repeat again, but by the way Rachel was gushing through the various stories made me believe that she was just dying to tell someone about our relationship. So when she left something out I made sure to do a little gushing myself to let my sister know just how great Rachel was to me. 

We didn’t end up leaving until nearly 11 o’clock that night, both Rachel and I begging to stay another night so that we could continue to hang out with my sister, who was surprisingly cool again. We grumbled and fought but ultimately lost, we changed into our pajamas and dragged our feet down the driveway to the waiting Volvo. It came as a surprise when my mother hopped in the driver’s seat and suggested that Rachel and I use the back seat to get some sleep. I couldn’t be sure if it was a trick or not but I actually was exhausted. We were knocked out before we made it to the highway.

The first few days of summer were heaven. My expectations were high but I wasn’t disappointed. The only dark cloud in my otherwise sunny mind was the fact that Rachel was attending her sleep-a-way camp so soon after the end of school. We had an amazing week together and then she was taken from me so that she could excel at things that she’d already mastered when she was ten years old. I wasn’t thrilled and I wasn’t shy about it, I even made a big deal about not going with her dads to drop her off at the camp. She pouted and told me I was being selfish and I told her that she was the one that was selfish for leaving me. Regardless, I was at her house an hour before they were scheduled to drive the four hours into Pennsylvania and even joined her fathers when they cried on the drive back. It seemed that they had at least 3 burned CDs of sad songs to sing along to on the long drive home. It was torturous but I welcomed it graciously as I realized just how much I was actually going to miss my little spitfire. 

The fact that I was in the car for eight hours didn’t really bother me that much. 

I told Rachel not to worry about sending me a letter or a postcard because she literally would only be gone for 7 days and we could make it that long without contact. That didn’t mean that I wasn’t ripping the letter open when I received it three days after I said goodbye to her. I spent the next two hours writing her a letter updating her on every single aspect of my life since we’d last seen each other. Everything from her dad’s disturbing array of tear inducing songs, to the details of my lunch with Mercedes earlier in the afternoon, and I even made sure to tell her every single thing that has reminded me of her in her absence. 

Santana had enough of my moping after a while and thankfully distracted me for the remainder of the week. She didn’t know what it felt like to have someone go away for a whole week. It was literal agony. 

My Mom’s annual Fourth of July party was the day after Rachel was scheduled to arrive home so I threw myself into that task. At first, Judy was confused as to why I was willingly offering to help but then she took pity when she realized I had nothing better to do until Rachel got home and began handing me lists of things that she needed. I obviously would have rather liked to have Rachel with me on my errands but I could settle for Santana and Brittany. It was a good opportunity to catch up on their lives. And when I got sick of them, Abigail was happy to join me on our scavenger hunt for the outlandish things my mother insisted we have at the house should anyone want them. 

Fourth of July was truly one of my favorite holidays, only because it was the epitome of Summer. Something about the smell of a barbeque was so enticing, hearing children screaming Cannonball made you want to jump in with them, and the first test firework as the sun went down promised a magical evening of bonfires, laughter, and good friends. The evening air soothed your sun burnt shoulders and the Adirondack chairs fit two people as the fire dried your wet hair from the after dark swim you and your friends took part in. 

The white chairs had been arranged around the red and white striped table clothed tables, the catered food was sitting on the chafing dishes, the pool had been cleaned and looked more inviting than ever, and the DJ was set up near the outdoors bar where the cobblestone patio doubled as an impromptu dance floor once the alcohol settled into people’s veins. When Judy Fabray threw a party, she threw a party. 

Guests had started arriving around 3 and by that time I was already dressed in my navy blue halter sun dress and red heels. I knew I wouldn’t last in the heels so the pair of matching flats were on stand-by. It was too humid to do anything with my hair that day so it laid gracefully on my bare shoulder in a low pony tail. 

Santana and Brittany had been there all morning and simply refused to put on something other than their bathing suits. Kurt showed up next, and he complimented our family beautifully. His patchwork shorts, matching bow-tie, and brown boat shoes made it seem like he literally raided my father’s closet. Mercedes came next with a shirt that had the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner graffiti’d all over it. Tina and Mike arrived shortly after and it was nice to see Tina in something other than black. A shirtless Puckerman wheeled Artie in and set up camp next to Santana and Brittany, regardless of how uncomfortable Artie seemed. Sam walked into the backyard next in American Flag board shorts and his aviators; following him was Finn Hudson in something similar but not nearly as complimenting on him. That was the curveball I was waiting for, neither of them were supposed to be there. 

Before I could beat Puckerman for telling them about the party something shiny caught my eye in the sunlight. Near my sister was Rachel with her gleaming smile as she held a sparkly package. She looked tanner than she was a week ago and like she lost a bit of weight but it was still my Rachel, and she was dressed to impress in a white sundress with red jewelry and blue heels. I couldn’t reach her fast enough. She turned to notice me at the last second before I collided into her with a bone crushing hug. I pulled Rachel’s hand until we were up in my room and only when I slammed the door and pushed her against it did I show her how much I missed her. 

It appeared that she missed me just as much. 

“I would have come sooner but my dads wanted to know all about camp,” she spoke while she attempted to catch her breath.

“You’re here now.”

She grabbed both of my cheeks and pulled my head back towards her, “Thank god.”

I missed her lips, I missed her perfume, I missed her cheek bones, and I especially missed the way she’d mold into my body as we kissed. I really just missed everything about her.

“How was camp?”

“Do you really care?”

“Not right now.”

“Then shut up and kiss me, I’ve been craving you since the second you drove away,” she pulled my neck back towards her and took my bottom lip between her lips.

My hand went to the closed door behind her so I wouldn’t lose my balance.

“This is unhealthy,” I told her as I started moving away from her mouth to pay more attention to some of the other places I’d missed kissing. 

She threw her head back, “I missed you so much.”

I smiled against her neck, “I didn’t think I could miss someone as much as I missed you.”

“Sentiments so early in the day?”

“Shut up.”

“Don’t mess up my hair.”

I smiled before pulling back, “It looks fine.”

Her eyes were closed and her lower lip was captured between her teeth in a way that only made me want her more. 

She finally opened her eyes and attempted to hide a smirk, “I don’t need everyone to see that I’ve just been making out with you for five minutes.”

I dipped back in and kissed her one more time, “About that…Finn’s here.”

I continued to kiss her with the intention of distracting her long enough to forget what I’d just told her. 

“What’s he doing here?”

No such luck. 

She pushed me far enough away to think clearly and I had no choice but to answer her. 

“I’m assuming Puck mentioned it to him.”

She combed a hand through her hair before straightening out her dress, “While it’s a mood dampener, it’s not going to affect us, promise?”

I shrugged, “I’m just going to ignore him.”

She nodded and gave me one final kiss that I punctuated with three small pecks, “Have you had anything to drink yet?” she asked.

“Not yet.”

“Shall we?” she reached her hand for mine and clasped them together without waiting for permission. 

“You’re going to drink in front of your parents?”

She nodded, “They both agreed that it would be okay to indulge in some beverages as long as they were present and I wasn’t going anywhere.”

I allowed her to walk ahead of me as we made our way down the staircase, “You’re not going anywhere for at least a week. I’m holding you captive.”

She whirled around at the top of the second set of stairs leading to the first floor, “I can’t say that I’m inclined to protest,” she leaned forward and her kiss caught me by surprise.

Bold Rachel was always my favorite Rachel. 

“So how was camp? Did you blow them away with your talent?”

“Naturally,” she began walking again, “I’ll tell you about it later, let’s just enjoy the day.”

Rachel stopped in the downstairs bathroom to touch up her make-up and fix her slightly tousled hair before we stepped outside. It seemed like the amount of people had doubled since we were last outside. Rachel and I walked towards the table that held the glee members that weren’t enjoying the pool and soon after my sister joined our table. 

“I’ve been hit on by three of your friends already,” she stated plainly, “One of them could be our brother.”

Rachel covered her mouth as she laughed and I glared at the three muscle heads over my shoulder as they partook in chicken fights against Brittany and Santana. 

“That would be your sister’s lovely ex-boyfriend,” Rachel teased. 

“Jesus Q, creepy much?”

“Let’s see, you’ve managed to catch the eye of Quinn’s twin, her baby daddy, and the boy that was dumb enough to believe he could impregnate someone without actually having sex with them, well done,” Kurt spoke from across the table before smiling wide, “Kurt Hummel, the resident gay best friend, charmed.” 

Abigail laughed heartily as she took the offered hand. She’d always wanted a gay best friend. 

“Seems I’m batting a thousand at this shindig,” she smiled back and took a sip of her Bay Breeze, “Although the Mohawk has a nice shot, I love me some badass.” 

“I hear ya girl,” Mercedes gave her a high five. 

“So help me Abs, if you sleep with Puckerman I will end your life.”

She held her hands up in defense before pinching one of my cheeks.

“I’m single and ready to mingle little sis, statutory rape be damned!”

She stuck her tongue between her teeth while she grinned, she was doing it just to irritate me. 

“Oh I love her,” Kurt stage whispered to Mercedes who nodded adamantly. 

“She’s joking right?” Rachel asked me as they launched into a side conversation, “She’s got to be joking.”

“I’m going to assume she’s joking but I’m going to need a strong drink to erase the images out of my head.”

“Ew!” Rachel shot up from her chair as I laughed, “Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.”

I followed her towards the patio where the Tiki bar full of bottles and coolers were stationed.

After taking at least 10 minutes to pick a fun drink to try, we got in line for some food, and then took our seats back at one of the two glee tables. Rachel was raving about the tortellini salad that I made my mother order while I salivated over my burger. It looked too perfect to eat. Naturally, I was stuffed after I finally ate the burger and whatever else Rachel was shoving towards me to try. I sat back as Rachel and my sister planned out various trips to New York we’d have to take once she moved in with her old college friend at the end of the summer. Christmas in New York was obviously a must according to Rachel. I smiled to myself as I watched Kurt and Mercedes bicker about boys, and Tina wipe ketchup off of Mike’s mouth. I faintly registered the conversation Brittany and Santana were having about something inappropriate. I glanced at the second table and found the rest of the guys having a hot dog eating contest that Puckerman was clearly dominating. I heard my mother’s laughter somewhere in the distance and found her and Rachel’s parents sharing a conversation as they mingled with the Jones, Pierce, and Lopez families. It was nice to see my mother making the effort to leave the comfort of her close knit groups to get to know the other families a little better. It was especially nice to see her getting along with Rachel’s parents. 

The evening wore on and the first drunk guest made their way to the makeshift dance floor to sing a Springsteen song to their equally drunk wife. The floodgates seemed to open and more and more people joined them as the DJ continued to play classic rock party songs. Puck set up the fireworks that my mother paid him to get for the occasion and set off the first test one in our backyard as it grew darker. There was still too much daylight for the show however. 

Everything was amazing. The entire day was filled with chatter and laughing, music and drinking, it was the perfect Fourth of July. 

Until I heard Rachel calling my name, obviously in distress. 

Instant panic is what I felt as I spun around in order to locate where her voice was coming from. I could see Finn near the pool house but it wasn’t until I realized he was cornering someone that I took off in that direction. 

“I deserve to know what happened, Rachel!”

Rachel was huddled into herself as Finn towered over her. She tried to dodge him once more before I got to them. 

“What’s going on?” I asked the both of them but Rachel turned away from me and Finn refused to take his eyes off of the cowering brunette, “What did you do, Hudson?”

“Stay out of this, Quinn,” He nearly spat back at me. 

Whoa. 

“Don’t speak to her like that, Finn. She’s my best friend and right now you’re scaring me.”

He gestured wildly, “This doesn’t even concern her.”

If only he knew how much it concerned me.

I put my hand on his upper arm, “Finn, look, why don’t we go back with the rest of the group?”

He shook me off of him, “Get out of here, Fabray.”

“This is my house. I’m giving you one more chance to go back to the rest of the group before I very publicly embarrass you in front of this party,” he refused to budge, “The mayor is here for Heaven’s sake.”

“I’m not leaving until Rachel talks to me,” he stated.

“She broke up with you months ago, why does this even matter anymore?”

“And I never got an explanation,” he finally looked at me, “She owes me.”

“She doesn’t owe you a damn thing!”

He shrugged, “I want to know what happened.”

I looked to Rachel who shook her head, I sighed. 

“Can I talk to her?” I asked him gently.

I was in no mood to even be standing near him let alone asking permission to speak to my own girlfriend but I knew it was better to be nice than demanding when he got like this. 

“Fine, but be quick.”

My eyes felt untamed as I stared at him in disbelief, I wanted to deck him in the face. 

I approached Rachel slowly and gently took her by the arm to lead her out of earshot.

“What happened?” I asked lowly.

“He asked me if we could talk and I told him there was nothing to talk about, but he wouldn’t drop it so I figured I might as well get it over with,” she started and took a deep breath, “And then he got mad when I told him there wasn’t anyone else, and he kind of just got that crazy look in his eye and that’s when I called for you.” 

“Are you okay?” I pulled back and studied her a bit.

She bit her lip and nodded before looking down to the ground. I didn’t like that she was closed off and fearful. She wouldn’t even look at me. 

“You’re not telling me something.”

“It’s nothing,” she waved off. 

“It’s something.”

“No really, Quinn. It’s not important, just get him away from me without causing a scene. I don’t want to draw attention to us, our parents are here.”

“Let me tell him we’re together.”

She finally looked up, “No, not tonight. It’s too much, please.”

I studied her pleading eyes, “What aren’t you telling me?”

“He tried to kiss me,” she whispered.

“He tried or he did?”

“He did.” 

I was never much of a comic book person but I dated enough guys and had to sit through enough one-sided conversations to know what happened to most super heroes before they turned into their alter-egos for the first time. Pain was coursing through my body, I felt dizzy and it hurt to stand up, I felt like I could punch a hole through the side of a wall or maybe even snap someone’s neck off but it still wouldn’t be satisfying. I was seeing red.

“Please don’t do anything stupid,” she tugged on my arm.

Rachel was my saving grace, and maybe Finn’s too.

I whirled around, “You’re leaving,” I pointed at him. 

Just seeing him made my blood boil. The only regret I had about Rachel and I getting together was that we didn’t just tell everyone we hooked up from the beginning. We could have just broken up with our boyfriends before anything serious happened and the guilt wouldn’t be looming over our heads. 

“No I’m not.”

My nails were digging into my palms as he refused to listen, “You are, you need to leave my house right now.” 

“What’s going on?” 

“Call him a cab,” I told my sister as she walked up. 

She pulled out her phone without questioning the situation further. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, what’s happening?” Puck asked as he and Mike Chang strolled up.

“Finn was just leaving,” I told them.

“No, I’m not,” he stated proudly, “Not until Rachel gives me an explanation.”

“Explanation for what, bro?”

“Why she dumped me out of nowhere.” 

“You’re still on that? Let it go, man.”

Finn turned his glare on Puck.

“Are you the reason she dumped me?”

Puck scoffed arrogantly, “And what if I was? You gonna try to take me again?”

“I beat you before,” Finn stated as he puffed his chest out and took a step towards the boy.

“Yeah ‘cause I felt guilty that I knocked up your girlfriend,” Puck also took a step forward to match Finn.

“Whoa,” Abigail interjected, “Tone it down, that’s my little sister.”

“So you don’t feel guilty about stealing Rachel from me?”

“What are you even talking about?” Puck turned towards Rachel as she stood slightly behind me, “What’s he talking about?”

“Finn, enough,” Rachel called out, “Please, just let someone drive you home.”

“What the hell is going on over here? You’re scaring Brittany.” 

Finn pointed back towards the party, “Santana, get out of here.” 

“Oh no you did not! I’ll make you cry Shrek.”

Puck took another step forward as if to get between Finn and Santana, “Dude, what’s your problem.”

“You’re my problem, leave Rachel alone,” Finn pushed his chest.

Puck looked towards the two of us again as we remained relatively silent, it was getting way too out of hand but we had no idea how to do damage control without just coming clean. It was clearly the last thing Rachel wanted though. 

“She’s not your property,” Puck pushed back, for reasons completely unknown, “She can hang out with whoever she wants.” 

Puck always had a soft spot for Rachel.

I looked to Abby as she hung up her phone, “Can you like do something?” 

“What the hell do you want me to do?!” she shrieked, “Shit!” 

Finn had sucker punched Puck in the eye and he stumbled a bit before lunging towards his oldest friend. Abby squealed as she dodged out of the way and bumped into a shocked Kurt. 

I turned to Rachel, “Go up to my room while I handle this.” 

She stood wide eyed as she watched Puck tackle Finn to the ground. 

“This is all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault, it’s mine. Please, just go find your dads and then wait for me in my room, I don’t want you getting hurt in the crossfire.” 

“What about you?”

“Lemme at him!” 

We both turned to see Santana rolling up the sleeves of her sweatshirt before moving to take out her earrings. 

“Santana won’t let anything happen to me, please just go tell your dads that you’re fine.”

She nodded wordlessly and I watched her go before turning my attention to the train wreck happening at the end of my yard. My mother was already making her way down the hill, clapping loudly as if it would scare the boys off of each other. 

“Bad boys!” 

I rolled my eyes at her pathetic attempts to scold the two of them and surveyed the scene.

Finn rolled on top of Puck and got one more good punch in before Sam tackled Finn and pinned him to the ground. I managed to catch Santana around the waist before she broke a nail. 

“Why the hell do you always want to fight?” I asked her as she struggled against me.

“It’s in my blood.”

I rolled my eyes and passed her off to Brittany so she could contain the girl before anyone else got hurt. 

I leaned down to help Puck off the ground, “You didn’t have to instigate him,” I told him as he stood a little wobbly. 

“Sure I did, he’s been pissing me off lately.” 

I ran my thumb over the redness of his eye and he winced. 

“You think your sister will take care of me?” he wiggled his eyebrows before wincing again.

“You’re disgusting,” I hit his chest before sending him towards Abigail, if anything to keep him distracted from going after Finn again. 

As tough as Puck acted, Finn got in a few good punches. 

“What is going on here?! We have guests, Quinn Marie.” 

“Hudson, get out of here before my mother calls the cops.”

Kurt helped Sam up before reaching his hand down to help his step-brother up. Finn huffed and stormed away before anyone could question him on what had happened. The crowd was relatively small compared to what it could have been and my mother was probably thankful that the music was too loud to hear all the commotion.

“I’ll be back once I get him home,” Kurt stated as he shot me an apologetic glance for the drama. 

“I’ll come with,” Mercedes offered, “Don’t start the fireworks without me,” she smiled, “And save me a piece of cake!”

I nodded and turned to Sam, “Thanks.”

He smirked but luckily didn’t consider it an invite to ask me out. He finally got the hint. 

“Quinnie, what in the world is going on? Why are your friends acting like animals?”

“I can’t talk now, ask Abs.”

I had to make sure Rachel was okay. I walked back towards the house and scanned the crowd as I went. I didn’t see her by her fathers so I assumed that she listened and went up to my bedroom to wait for me. The day had been perfect up until that point but I wasn’t going to let it ruin our evening. I had so many plans in my head, we were supposed to secretly hold hands as we watched the fireworks and then we were going to play Marco Polo in the pool with everyone before roasting marshmallows by the fire pit. I was supposed to teach her the proper way to play croquet once the night tournament started, and we were supposed to be pong partners once the parents were drunk enough to play with us. 

I took a deep breath before opening the door to my bedroom but there was no Rachel. I thought about going back downstairs to look for her but I felt a cool breeze from my window and I was sure that it had been closed all day. I grabbed one of the blankets off the edge of my bed and kicked off my shoes so that I could climb out the window. The ledge below my window was flat and I found Rachel sitting on the slightly angled roof next to the flat surface. She’d only been out on the roof a few times since the nice weather started because she liked to look at the stars. I tended to use it when I didn’t feel like dealing with my parents when I was younger. They didn’t realize it was where I would hide when I wanted alone time. We were high enough to not be noticed but still close enough to hear the sounds of a party continuing as if nothing had happened moments ago. 

I wordlessly spread the blanket on the flat part of the roof before taking her hand and helping her down. We leaned against the siding of the house under my window. 

“Are you okay?”

She turned sharply, “Are you seriously asking me that?”

I was serious when I asked her.

“Humor me?”

“No, I’m not okay.”

I moved some stray pieces of hair that had fallen out of place, “How can I make it better?”

She stood up and crossed her arms, “You can’t.”

I stared up at her for a few seconds, “Are you mad at me?”

“No, I’m just…” she began pacing, “I’m just furious with Finn and I’m frustrated with the situation.”

I nodded and began playing with the ends of the blanket I was sitting on, “I wanted to come clean.”

“So we could completely ruin the entire evening? In front of half the town? Get real, Quinn.”

I snapped my attention back to her, “Well what do you want from me, Rach? I’m trying here.”

“I know, I’m sorry…” she sat on her knees and cupped my face, “I’m sorry, it’s just not how I wanted my first day back with you to go. I missed you so much.”

I held her hands in place, “Trust me, I didn’t want this either. I didn’t even invite Finn.”

She laughed softly, “I never thought I’d say this but can’t we have one holiday without some kind of drama?”

“It wouldn’t be high school if there wasn’t drama,” I reminded her.

“Have you noticed that at the end of it all, we’re still together?”

I had noticed that.

She pulled her hands away as she moved to sit back down next to me, I put my arm around her and we turned our attention towards the back yard. 

“That’s because I refuse to let anything get between us, I love you too much to let something stupid break us.”

Her head snapped towards me, “What?”

“I refuse to let anything get between us.”

“No not that, the other thing,” she turned my face until I was staring at her.

Nowhere to hide.

I cleared my throat, “I love you?” I repeated, suddenly self conscious. 

Her eyes scanned my face, “Do you mean that?”

“Of course I do.”

“Can you say it again?”

I hadn’t meant to say it the first time. I was waiting for the perfect moment to tell her, I’d imagined candles and soft music. Rachel was all about grand romantic gestures, things that were over the top and perfect. 

I took a deep breath, and then another one, “I. Love. You.”

Her smiled reached her eyes before she leaned forward and connected our lips, I smiled against them.

“Wow, I’ve never actually said it to someone and meant it,” I whispered before pulling back to search her eyes. 

Yup, definitely in love and definitely meant it.

I laughed out loud as she began to rub her thumb under my ear, “This feels amazing! I mean, I love you! I love you…you, you’re the one I love.” 

“Are you okay?” she asked with a small smirk on her lips.

“Am I okay? I feel incredible!” 

“You’re absolutely the cutest thing in the world right now,” she smiled before she kissed me again.

I was on cloud 9 and had no plans of returning to earth anytime soon. I was in love. Too in love for my own good but I didn’t care. How did I even let myself fall in love? Oh, that’s right…Rachel tripped me. 

“Did you know that I love you?”

She threw her head back and giggled, “Come here you.”

I felt like a grinning fool as I leaned back against the house and put my arm around Rachel. She nuzzled into my shoulder and sighed. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face and I didn’t mind one bit. I could see the pool and our friends as they all sat near the edge on a few of the lounge chairs. 

Brittany and Santana occupying one and sharing something to eat, my sister teasing Puckerman with her flirtatious banter as he reenacted the fight scene for Mercedes and whoever missed it, Mike Chang and Tina on another lounge chair just enjoying each other’s company, and then there was Kurt fixing Sam’s hair as he tried to bat his hand away. I really did love my friends and their text book behavior but I absolutely loved Rachel ten times more. And it felt damn good to say it. 

“You scared me earlier,” Rachel said softly.

I kept my eyes on our friends as I answered, “I scared you? Why?”

“Your eyes.”

“When?”

“When I told you Finn kissed me,” she said hesitantly.

Oh.

I cleared my throat but didn’t say anything.

“I imagine that a shark’s eyes look similar upon smelling blood.”

I would have loved to rip him to shreds.

“They were very distant and lifeless…”

I turned to look at her as she picked her head up.

She continued, “But also hungry, like you could have lost control.”

“You’re making me sound like a beast or something.”

“What was going through your mind?”

“Why do you want to know?”

She tilted her head as if she was confused, “I want to know everything about you.”

“You already know everything.”

“I’ve never seen you like that.”

I sighed and tried to put myself back in that moment, “Everything slowed down. Like, it was just entirely silent but I could hear my heart beating.”

“What do you mean?”

How on earth could I explain to her what it felt like to have one of my fears turn into a reality?

“When you were younger, did you ever jump into the deep end of the pool and try to touch the bottom?”

“Of course,” she laughed, “Daddy had to be on standby at the community pool when I got overzealous.”

“Do you remember the panic you felt as you were kicking to get back up to the surface but it felt miles away? Like for a split second you thought you were going to drown?”

She nodded.

“That’s what it felt like.”

She didn’t reply so maybe she understood my analogy.

“I know that you didn’t want to tell me but you would have eventually right? I mean, you didn’t kiss him back or anything?”

I held my breath as I waited for her answer.

“I think your diving into the abyss analogy applies to that too. I felt really claustrophobic and it scared me. For the first time in my life I wasn’t in control of a situation. You were the only thing that could make me feel better so I screamed your name as soon as I was able to push him back.”

I tightened my hold on her, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there sooner.”

“Don’t be silly, you can’t be in two places at once.”

“That’d be cool if I could though right?” I knocked into her playfully and she laughed.

“That would be nothing short of amazing,” she smiled, “Think of everything that you could accomplish!”

“Not exactly where my train of thought was, Rach.”

“I know what you were thinking,” she winked.

“But seriously, I’m sorry for scaring you earlier with my Jaws eyes, I can’t even imagine what would have happened if I actually saw him kissing you.”

She cringed, “I hope you don’t mind but I used your tooth brush.”

“I don’t mind.”

She rested her head back on my shoulder and I ran my fingers up and down her bare arm. 

“Sing me a song?”

She picked her head up, “Right now?”

“Babe, I haven’t heard you sing in over a week.”

“God, it doesn’t even feel like I was away,” she shook her head to break out of her trance, “What do you want to hear?”

I shrugged, “I like it when you pick.”

She tapped her finger to her lip a few times before she turned to me, “How about the song I sang for my final showcase this week?”

I smiled wide and nodded.

She sat up a little straighter and removed my arm from around her, she laughed as she kissed my pout and brought her arm around me instead. She pulled my head until I was the one snuggled into her shoulder. 

She cleared her throat.

“She's got eyes that cut you like a knife and her lips that taste like sweet red wine, and her pretty legs go to heaven every time.”

I picked my head up and looked at her.

“This is the song you sang for your showcase?”

She giggled and nodded before she dove back into the song. I rested my head on her shoulder again and found myself instantly getting lost in her soothing voice.

“She’s got a gentle way that puts me at ease, when she walks in the room I can hardly breathe. Got a devastating smile that’ll knock a grown man to his knees.”

I blushed against her hot shoulder as the words drifted through the cool breeze. I threw my arm around her stomach and held her close. Nothing mattered in my world except her. The guests at the party were still dancing and our friends were still joking around by the pool, but they were just a distant memory in that moment.

“She's got whatever it is, it blows me away. She's everything I want to say to a woman but couldn't find the words to say. She's got whatever it is, I don't know what to do.”

Her voice could lull me to sleep if I let it. My eyes fluttered closed and I began imagining the two of us doing the things that seemed impossible at the time. Picking out matching Halloween costumes, dancing at Homecoming, exchanging presents on Christmas morning, posing for Prom pictures, visiting each other for the first time at College, picking out an apartment to share in the City, going to her open mic nights, and even Charlie our golden retriever made an appearance in my imagination as I listened to her sing. 

I just wanted it all.

“When you love me I'm on top of the world, when you love me I can live forever, when you love me I am untouchable. You got whatever it is.”

“Quinn?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you still awake?”

I lazily picked my head up and opened my eyes.

“I can’t believe you sang that song in front of your camp, did people ask why you chose it?”

She nodded, “I told them it was about my drop dead-sexy-blonde-cheerleading girlfriend.”

“You did not.”

She trapped her tongue between her teeth as she smiled, a move that literally drove me wild with desire. 

A loud pop noise echoed between the trees before the sky momentarily lit up. Puckerman had lit one of the store bought fireworks. 

Everyone ohh’d and aww’d as the sparks shot off into the air and burst into bright colors before fizzling out. I turned to look at Rachel and found her wide eyed with a huge grin on her face as she watched the admittedly impressive fireworks. 

My heart swelled with something that couldn’t be explained with mere words. Telling her I loved her just wouldn’t be enough. I needed her like oxygen, I needed to feel her, I needed to be with her in every way possible, and I wanted nothing more than to just melt into her body. I wanted all of her, and it was a want so overwhelming that I just couldn’t ignore it. I needed to feel her hot breath against my ear as she rasped out my name. I never knew what temptation was before I met her, I never needed to repeat the Hail Mary in my head in order to abstain from sex, and I never wanted something so bad in my entire life. She was absolutely addicting and I craved her body beneath me almost every second of every day, I wanted to ravish her at the most inappropriate of times, and I wanted nothing more than to find out if her voice sounded as good when it was barking out orders on how to pleasure her to ecstasy. 

My palms were sweating as I watched Puck light another fuse to another block of fireworks and my heart was racing as I turned to look at her. What was more romantic than having your first time under the stars? What was more perfect than literally seeing fireworks in the sky as you reached your ultimate climax? Rachel lived for romantic moments and grand gestures; she nearly lost her mind after I secretly sang a song to her in glee one time. 

She turned and looked at me as if she could hear my thoughts, sometimes I felt that she could read my mind. We stared at each other for a few long seconds as the sky lit up in our peripheral vision. It was amazing that I could see the reflection of the fireworks in her brown eyes as I tried to figure out what she was thinking. I swallowed deep as she cracked a smile, she knew what I wanted. 

Her hand went to my cheek before it slid back into my hair, I slowly leaned forward to close the distance and she met me halfway. There was something so different about our kiss, it was like we both knew that it was going to lead somewhere more. We could put everything we had into it because for the first time since we’d gotten together, we weren’t stopping. I felt comfort and reassurance as she opened her mouth and pulled me closer to her, she was calming my nerves.

She began moving backwards but pulled me with her, my arm went around her back in order to gently guide her down to the flat surface. Her hands gripped my shoulders as I continued to blindly lay her beneath me, too focused on her lips to pay attention to anything else. We momentarily broke apart as her back hit the floor and she looked up at me as if she’d never seen me before in her life. Her eyes scanned my face as I hovered above her, surely with bruised lips and glossy eyes, but she didn’t seem to care. She didn’t seem to care that I was the one who was about to share that moment with her. She didn’t seem to hesitate as she reached up to pull me on top of her, and she didn’t really seem to realize that it was me she was about to give her virginity to. It shouldn’t have been me, never in a million years was it supposed to be me. I was never supposed to fall in love with her and she was never supposed to let me. 

Her top lip fit so perfectly between mine as I rested my forehead against hers. My hand slowly made its way up the side of her white dress until I felt her collar bone beneath my fingertips. I could feel her palm on the back of my leg as I settled on her thigh. My nerves felt like tiny vessels that held little bolts of electricity every time Rachel moved below me.

“Rach?”

Her eyes finally focused on me as she licked her upper lip.

“God, you’re beautiful.”

My face felt like it was on fire as I bashfully ducked my head. She sounded so painfully truthful that it was hard to argue with her.

“Are you okay with this?” 

She nodded wordlessly as her hand began to massage my upper thigh. I swallowed back a moan in order to maintain whatever composure I was grasping on to. She was making it extremely difficult for me to talk and my willpower was only so strong. 

“I don’t want to pressure you or any—”

“You’re not.”

I stared at her good and long before I nodded. She wouldn’t lie to me, she hadn’t lied to me before and I didn’t think she’d start at that moment. I brought my gaze down to her rising chest, the gold coating of her star necklace caught my eye. It was oddly hypnotizing.

“Okay, but you’d tell me if I was, right?”

“Sweetheart, look at me,” I lifted my gaze to meet hers, “I want you,” she paused, “I want you to be my first…I-I love you, Quinn.”

“Really?”

She bit her lip, “Are you surprised?”

I shook my head and bit my own lip to keep from smiling too wide, “Sorry that just feels ten times better than I thought it would. Are you sure?”

“Did you just ask me if I was sure about loving you?”

I nodded.

“The sure-iest.”

“Making up words now?”

She shrugged beneath me, “That’s what you do to me.”

“I’m going to kiss you now,” I told her as I inched closer.

Her eyes fluttered closed in anticipation, “That’s a good idea.”

I dropped my hand down to her leg and let my palm slowly drag the material of her dress up. I could faintly hear the pops and whistles of the fireworks over the patriotic music that was playing near the DJ booth, I was aware it was going on but I could really only focus on Rachel. I kissed her with everything I had in me and prayed to god that it was enough. My fingertips inched their way up and under her dress until they met the cotton fabric separating her and me. I repositioned my body to allow my hand a more comfortable angle as my nails danced above her heat.

“A-Am I crushing y-you?”

She swallowed and shook her head, “No.”

I leant back in and started kissing her again. The moment between us was so heavy that I honestly just wanted to cry. I didn’t know what else to do with my emotions, kissing her just made me want to kiss her harder, and loving her just didn’t seem strong enough. 

I could feel my hands fumbling as they clumsily attempted to push the boundaries further.

“You’re shaking.”

I let out a labored breath, “Sorry, I’m just really nervous.”

I craved so many things. My body begged to control her, to make her mine and never look back. It just wanted the sweet release that would come from knowing I was the one to push her over the edge, that I was the one that made her feel those things for the first time. My mind was dying to cling to the images of her closed eyes, her clenched jaw, her heavy breathing, and her low gasps for air. My heart longed to surrender everything I ever kept locked and hidden away, it wanted to seal and confirm everything I knew from the beginning.

I wanted to unravel her and build her back up just to do it over and over again. 

I brushed the cotton fabric aside and nearly lost my cool just in the anticipation of what was about to happen. I was going to feel her, I was going to a place that no one had ever been before, and I was going to make it mine. 

I pulled my lips away and rested my forehead on hers, I needed to see her eyes, and I needed to see my reflection in them. She whimpered as my finger hesitantly dipped between her soft folds but she didn’t stop me, if anything, she pulled me closer. I used her reaction as encouragement and began exploring her private depths. She felt amazing. Her wetness pooled around my finger and clung to it for dear life as her nails dug into the back of my shoulders. I softly hissed at both sensations as they complimented each other beautifully. 

I explored deeper, I wanted to know everything about this scary new cave at my fingertips. I began sliding my finger in and out of her painfully slow, and eventually I was able to add a second finger. I had no idea what I was doing to her, but she had no idea what her expressions were doing to me. 

I kissed her cheekbone and ran my nose over her face before settling my lips on top of hers. As if I was an oxygen mask, she sucked the air entirely out of my lungs with her kiss. My bottom lip was between her teeth as my knuckle ran over her oversensitive nub and she bit down. Hard.

I ignored the throbbing bite mark and turned my attention back to her.

“Are you okay?”

She drew her lip in between her teeth and nodded with a small whine. I studied her.

“You don’t look okay.”

She opened her darkened eyes, “Trust me.”

I started moving faster within her and angled myself so that I could knock into the spot that elicited the sexiest of moans each time. Her moans started including my name and I nearly came undone just listening to her struggles.

“I’ve never done this before,” I breathed against her lips.

Of course she knew that I had never done anything like that before. Maybe it was my way of apologizing ahead of time if it turned out to be a horrible experience for her. 

She threw her head back further and her expression almost looked pained, “Keep- Jesus, keep doing what you’re, uh doing.”

I nodded against her and listened. 

My knuckles dragged against her walls as the wetness soaked and covered my fingers. Her pants were only driving me further into her and each second that passed felt like an eternity between us.

“I’m…” she started before closing her mouth and arching her back to meet my thrusts, “I think I’m…” she tried again, “God, it feels so good.”

My insides felt like they were on fire, “Are you going to?”

She nodded and I could feel my fingers getting suctioned by her walls, it made me lose my rhythm but she didn’t seem to mind. Her thrashing only spurred me on to give her exactly what she needed to reach the finish line.

She was mine.

“Say my name.”

She opened her eyes as if she could hear my mind willing her to look at me and dropped her jaw open before she gasped out my name.

“Quinn…God, please don’t stop.”

I really didn’t know what to do to make her finally come so I continued to do what I was doing. I was going to have plenty of opportunities to learn how she worked, but at that moment she just needed release. 

And who was I to deny her anything?

I’d give her the world if I could. 

The timing was something out of a movie. The fireworks masked her final moans and the sky was lit up just enough for me to make out every single one of her beautiful features as she exploded beneath me. 

She was breathing heavy as she came back down to earth and stared up at me, “You- that- god- love,” she was all over the place with her words, not being able to get a complete sentence or rational thought out but I got the main point, “amazing.” 

“Really?”

I felt her shiver as I pulled my fingers out and she attacked my lips as she leaned up.

“Really.”

I wouldn’t let her return the favor no matter how much she pleaded; I wanted it to be about her and only about her. It was her first time and she deserved to bask in the afterglow before she had to worry about someone else. Besides, if I got a taste of what she had to offer me, I don’t think I’d ever let her leave the roof and we both still had appearances to keep up. We laid together on the blanket as the endless fireworks display continued to go off, and waited 10 more minutes until finally getting up and going back into my bedroom. 

We were kind of all over each other as we changed into our bathing suits. 

The barrier had been completely knocked down and there was really nothing stopping either of us from doing whatever we wanted. It was going to be harder to resist her in public but I couldn’t help but think it was worth to torture. She grabbed two sweatshirts for us before we finally went back outside to join the rest of our friends. 

“Where have you two been?” Santana asked suggestively.

“Rach, are you okay?” 

“I’m fine, everyone. Let’s just forget about that and enjoy the rest of our evening,” everyone nodded before she continued, “Thank you Noah for sticking up for me, I can’t imagine your eye feels good right now.”

“Are you kidding? I’ve gotten four numbers already, it’s made me a total babe magnet. And I totally look badass,” he flexed his muscles before lifting Rachel up over his shoulder, “But throwing you in the pool will make it feel better.”

“Don’t you—”

The splash cut off her threats and everyone waited for her to surface so she could start screaming at him for throwing her in before she was ready. 

“Oh he’s going to get his ass beat again,” Mercedes mumbled before coming up behind him and knocking him into the deep end. 

Before long, just about everyone was jumping on top of each other. Santana and Brittany started the chicken fights again and Rachel and I were winning until Santana pulled a dirty move and tripped me under the water. We fell backwards and they remained undefeated. Puck suggested Sharks and Minnows but Rachel was too afraid to leave the wall she was clinging to. I had to admit that the game kind of gave me anxiety as well. We snuck off to the shallow end while Santana and Puck bickered about whether or not he tagged Brittany before she made it to the wall. 

I sank to my knees so that only my head was above the water and smiled up at Rachel with a goofy grin. 

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“I love you.”

She smiled before pushing some water in my face, “You just like saying it now.”

“Well duh, I’m entirely in love with you so excuse me but I’m going to tell you every chance I get.”

“Oh so now you’re in love?”

“Like you’re not.”

She smiled and backed up towards the wall before putting her elbows against the side. 

“I don’t know what ever gave you that impression, Quinn Fabray.”

I rolled my eyes, “You’re killing me, Berry.”

She shrugged as she ran her nails over the water, “I can’t wait until later.”

“What’s later?” 

“Well the rooftop rendezvous was just the beginning, darling.”

I could feel the goose bumps all over my body and the cold pool water did nothing to help the cause. 

“I’ve missed you.”

She tilted her head with an amused smirk, “Where’d that come from?”

I shrugged, “I was really lonely without you last week, like my heart hurt.”

She smiled softly before pushing herself off the wall and walking over to me. 

“Why are you so perfect?”

I tapped my finger to my chin playfully, “You just have low expectations.”

Her mouth dropped open and she splashed more water in my face before I circled my hands around her waist and pulled her below the surface. Her laughter echoed off the pool walls as I tickled her bare stomach without mercy. 

“Can you guys stop being so damn cute? It’s nauseating.”

I glared up at my sister as I wiped the water out of my eyes, “Why don’t you go help Puckerman start a fire,” I teased. 

Eventually our teeth started chattering after being in the pool for so long and we wrapped ourselves in towels and settled in front of the fire pit in a circle. Santana had arranged the Adirondack chairs and left two out on purpose. No one seemed to bat an eyelash when Rachel settled down on my lap after throwing on a sweatshirt over her bathing suit. It was exactly how I imagined the night ending; roasting marshmallows, passing around a few bottles of beer, re-telling hilarious stories from the school year for my sister to hear, and acting like we’d been best friends all our lives. 

Yeah, the fourth of July was my favorite holiday. 

Rachel’s smile only further confirmed it.


	8. Labor Gay

The remainder of the summer was spent exactly the way I wanted it to be spent. Occasionally our parents would attempt to put a restriction on how much time we spent together but it didn’t seem to stop us. I had perfected the art of sneaking out of my house on those rare instances that my mother insisted I take a break from spending all my time at the Berry house, and Rachel was a mastermind at convincing her fathers that it was essential that we hang out whenever possible. 

I’d practically moved into the Berry household by the end of the summer. It was to the point where I’d have my own pile of laundry folded on top of Rachel’s bed, but it honestly didn’t bother either of us because Rachel’s pile of clothes at my house was larger. For some reason, I think Rachel liked the idea of folding my clothes at the end of each week. 

Brittany and Santana tended to live at my house over the summer so they could use the pool and by default Rachel got closer to the both of them. Occasionally some of the other members of glee club would join for a barbeque but everyone made sure that it didn’t get out of hand like it did on the fourth of July. Puckerman also invited himself over quite a bit once he learned that my sister was living with us until she moved to her apartment at the end of the summer. We were kind of a dysfunctional family.

It helped that Rachel’s door was always unlocked and her fathers worked 9 to 5 jobs because we often snuck away and spent the day lounging at her house. 

Summer was wearing down and school was literally right around the corner. Normally by late August I would be bored from doing nothing with my days and welcome the new school year, but for once I wasn’t excited. I should have been, we were going to be Seniors, but it just meant that we were one more month closer to graduation. 

“Quinn, will you take me on a date?”

I turned my head and lifted my sunglasses off my eyes before squinting into the sun, “We went to the movies last night, and we went out for breakfast this morning.”

She was still lying on the lounge chair next to me, “Fine. Then can I take you out on a date?”

“Why?”

She finally turned to face me, “I just want to do something nice for you.”

I sat up, the sun was beating down on us and it was time to stop tanning anyway, “You do plenty of nice things for me, why do you want to take me on a date?”

“Because I want to do something with you,” she answered simply, “School starts in two days and I’ve barely seen you this week because of your Cheerios practices. And once school starts, we won’t be able to hang out as much.”

I tended to drive right to her house after my morning workouts so that I could spend the day with her until our night practices. She’d pick me up so that we could get dinner or watch a movie until we fell asleep. I knew that wasn’t the reason. 

“What’s this really about?” I asked cautiously.

She sighed and sat up as well, “I just want to make this summer memorable.”

“It has been, hasn’t it?”

I was under the impression that it was the best summer of our lives.

“Of course, I just want to make the best of it before we have to go back to school.”

I had a feeling that I knew what it was all about. 

“Rach, nothing’s going to change between us.”

“You’re naïve if you believe that,” she scoffed.

I reached across to grab her hand, “I’m telling you that absolutely nothing is going to change.”

She shook me off her, “Everything changes when we go back to school. This is your year, Quinn. This is the year you’ve been working towards your entire life.”

“What does that mean?”

“Homecoming? Prom? This is your victory lap.”

“I don’t care about that stuff anymore.”

Rachel scoffed again, it was starting to bother me, “Deep down you do.”

“Nothing is going to change between us,” I repeated, grasping onto my only argument.

“No one knows we’re dating, we’re on two different levels,” she spoke as if she was reminding me of something. 

My voice cracked slightly but I covered it nicely with a cough, “How can you say that?”

“It’s true, the second we walk back into McKinley it will be like this summer never happened. You’ll go back to ruling the school with an iron fist and I’ll go back to being that drama queen that can sing.”

“What are you even talking about? Did Santana say something to you?”

“Did Santana- No, Quinn, this is about me and you.”

I sat up further, furious that she was doing this on one of the last days of summer, “No, this isn’t about me and you, this is apparently about some bitchy cheerleader and her insecure girlfriend.”

“Oh, I’m insecure?”

I crossed my arms over my practically bare chest, “I don’t believe I stuttered.”

“You know what? Forget this, forget I even brought it up.”

She jumped off the chair and began shuffling on her sandals.

“Where are you even going?”

“Somewhere that I’m appreciated,” she threw over her shoulder.

I stood up and grabbed her arm to spin her around, “Appreciated? Rachel, what are you talking about? I appreciate every little thing about you.”

“It doesn’t seem like it.”

“How could you say that?”

“You only want me around when it’s convenient for you,” she lowered her voice. 

I don’t even think she believed that herself. 

“When it’s convenient? Rachel, I want you around all the time, when have I ever made you believe otherwise?”

“All the time.”

I laughed, “Okay, now I know this is one of your defense mechanisms, where is this coming from?”

“I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking lately.”

“Thinking?” I asked incredulously, “You’re coming up with reasons on why we won’t make it.”

“That’s not what I was doing!” she yelled stubbornly.

“Sure seems like it, you’re not even giving me a chance.”

It was like she expected me to fail before I even got in the ring. She never bet against me. How could she know how I was going to act with her in the halls of McKinley?

“I’m being realistic about this,” she replied before meeting my eyes, “About us.”

She began walking away from me and I had no choice but to follow her. I almost wanted to push her in the pool so that she could be free of whatever spell she was under. 

“Realistic? You’re trying to start a fight.”

She spun around and pointed an accusatory finger in my face, “Well maybe that needs to happen in order for you to get real.”

My eyes flashed something similar to rage, “Okay, fine. I’ll get real with you. My feelings for you are real. I don’t like having to pretend we’re not together but I’m too scared to come out because I’m afraid to hear the words get out of my house again when my mom finds out about us and I’m terrified that the second you leave my sight someone is going to throw a slushie on you because you’re dating me.”

“Yeah well, I wonder who taught them how to do that,” she sneered.

My jaw dropped open, “Oh wow,” I shook my head laughing to myself. 

I turned away from her and started walking back to the lounge chairs. If she wanted to shove the knife in, I certainly wasn’t going to stick around for her to twist it. 

“Wait, Quinn, I didn’t mean that,” she called after me. 

I felt her behind me, “Look, I already know that I don’t deserve you but did you really have to rub it in?” I turned around, “And for the sake of a stupid fight?”

She brought her hands to her forehead, “Everything is just so confusing.”

“Well you can imagine what it feels like for me, you’re just attacking me for no reason. Are you trying to get me to break up with you?”

“No! Quinn, I love you!”

I shook my head, not sure if I could even believe her, “You have no idea what it’s like to see you and remember all those awful things I did to you, you really think that everyone else is going to forget that I was once your bully? I don’t like feeling like I don’t deserve you and it doesn’t make me feel better when you throw it back in my face after claiming you’ve forgiven me.”

She dropped her head, “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

“No, you are right. You’re too good for me, Rach.”

“I pale in comparison to you,” she began to argue.

I shook my head and silenced her with my hand, “That’s not true and you know it.”

“Isn’t it? How many people write on your Facebook wall everyday day? How many times have you had to turn down someone’s invitation to hang out this summer? Entire rooms full of people stare at you when you walk in. The only time that happens to me is in my vivid fantasies,” she said sadly. 

My heart ached for her, it really did. I had no control over those things.

She continued, “I see you in the morning before you leave for practice and I watch you look perfect without even trying, I pick you up from practice and you’re so carefree and confident, you’re in your prime Quinn. And I can’t help but wonder why you’re still with me.”

I felt like crying. She was so broken and I had no idea how to fix it all. I didn’t want to be the center of attention anymore. I didn’t care about any of that. I cared about Rachel and what made her happy. I was desperate to make her happy again. 

“Do you want me to quit the team?”

“No! Goodness no, I couldn’t ask you to do that,” she gasped.

“Then what is it you want from me? Please just tell me,” I begged. 

I wasn’t above getting down on my knees. 

“I don’t know,” she shrugged sadly, “I don’t know how to make this better.”

I drew my lip in between my teeth and nodded to myself, “Let me know when you figure it out,” I began to move past her. 

“Quinn, wait!”

“No, I think we just need to take a step back before we say something we regret. Call me when you’re ready to talk, okay?”

She nodded as I leaned in to kiss her forehead.

“I love you,” I whispered before I picked up my towel and headed back into my house. 

I needed to break something and then break down before I let Rachel build me back up. 

/

I hated that we were wasting the last days of summer in an awkward weird place. Even our texting seemed forced and too casual for us. 

I found my sister sitting on one of the lounge chairs sipping from a tall glass and as she bathed in the sun. I heard someone cough and realized that she wasn’t alone. Puck was cleaning the pool.

“You know this thing with Puckerman is getting creepy?”

She smiled brightly, “It’s fun to watch him clean things.”

“He had sex with me,” I reminded her.

Abigail grimaced and shook her head, “That certainly cures me of my weird obsession with him,” she smiled at me and took off her sunglasses, “so what’s up? Why do you look like I spilled sauce on your favorite top?”

“I still haven’t forgiven you for that,” I glared at her, “That was my favorite shirt.”

She waved me off, “I’ve heard it all before. Seriously, what’s up? Is Rach upstairs napping?” she looked behind me thinking that maybe she missed her standing there, “I bought her the funniest thing. Remember those old school lunch boxes? I got her a Hairspray one for the first day of school!” Abigail giggled to herself. 

Sometimes she believed that she was the funniest person in the world. I felt sad and it showed. Rachel would love that lunchbox and she’d probably actually use it. 

“Jesus Quey, it’s only a joke. I don’t actually expect her to use it.” 

“Rachel and I are in kind of a weird place.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

She thought for a few long seconds while I awkwardly shuffled my feet, I had no idea why I was going to her with this but I needed to talk to someone that knew. 

“Well I’m stumped. It’s not like she could get you pregnant again, so I don’t know why you’d be in a weird place. You seemed fine the other day.”

I rolled my eyes, “People can fight about stuff.”

“Do gay people fight about what real couples fight about?”

“Real couples?”

“Sorry that was ignorant of me, I meant straight couples. This mojito is going to my head,” She offered an uneasy smile and as mad as I was at her for her slip, I needed someone to talk to. 

She continued at the sight of my glare, “Look, I’ve been Googling the hell out of terms to be well versed in case you needed to talk, and I’m pretty sure the guy at the video store thinks I’m gay from all the movies I’ve rented.” 

I rubbed my eyes tiredly, “God, you even sound like Rachel. What is going on with me?”

I sat down on the lounge chair and rested my elbows on my knees. 

“Well in all fairness, she’s the one that suggested I take the initiative to learn more.”

My head picked up, “When did she tell you to do that?”

“A few weeks ago, we had a nice little lunch while you were out with Brittany and Santana.”

“She didn’t tell me about that,” I replied, slightly offended that she didn’t mention it to me. 

“Because she felt pathetic that she missed you so much that she had to call your older sister to hang out and keep her company. I guess she didn’t want to seem so clingy?”

Clingy? That word wasn’t even in my vocabulary. There was no limit when it came to time spent with Rachel. 

“I normally don’t settle for second best but she’s hysterical,” she continued.

I nodded, “She is hysterical, and she’s pretty, and intelligent, and insightful, and, and perfect.”

Abigail frowned, “So what’s the problem?”

“I’m not.”

“Why not? You’re a Fabray.”

“See that,” I pointed at her, “That right there. I’m not a Fabray when I’m with her and she loves me anyway.”

“I’m still not following. That sounds like a good thing.”

“It’s a great thing. But everyone else sees me as a Fabray.”

She sipped her drink loudly, “So what?”

“She hasn’t outright said it yet but I think,” I ran a hand through my hair, hoping to stall long enough so that she’d magically read my mind. No such luck, “I think she wants us to come out.”

“Oh.”

“Oh? That’s all you have to say?”

“Yeah, I mean no. I’ve read about this though! You know, coming out. Go on,” she gestured. 

I cringed even hearing her say it. 

I sighed, “We got into this stupid fight about how I don’t appreciate her and how we’re on two different levels of popularity, and I think she’s afraid that I’ll treat her differently when we get back to school. Or maybe she’s insecure that I’m a Cheerio. I don’t know, I just wish she’d tell me what she wants me to do.”

“Well do you want to come out?”

“Not really,” I answered honestly. 

I really didn’t want to if it could be avoided. 

“Why not?”

A million reasons. 

“The looks, the whispers, the laughing, the gossip.”

She was silent for at least a minute as she processed what I said, “So you don’t care if it messes with your status?” she asked carefully.

“No.”

“Hmm, wow.”

“What?” I asked, not liking her tone. 

“You were just always obsessed with being popular and being prom queen.”

I shrugged, “I met Rachel.”

“Thank god,” she teased. 

“Watch it.”

“So you’re afraid of what people will say?”

“I mean, yeah.”

“So? Own it!” she practically jumped up.

“Own what?”

“Don’t people talk about you anyway? I mean, I could imagine they gossip about you all the time.”

I thought about it, Jacob Ben Israel did have a page specifically dedicated to me, “I guess.”

“So, give them a reason to talk. Aren’t San and Britty like super gay now for each other?” I nodded, “You have absolutely nothing to worry about! You three run that damn school,” she laughed as if it was the simplest concept in the world. 

“What about Rachel? I can’t be around all the time to protect her.”

“Protect her from what? Do you really believe someone would mess with her when they know that you three are behind her? When she’s dating the top cheerleader? Shit, you guys are going to be seniors, you’re worrying for nothing.”

“What about Finn?”

She shrugged, “He’ll get over it.”

“What about—”

She held up her palm, “There is absolutely nothing to worry about anymore. Mom doesn’t even care that you’re gay.”

“Excuse me?”

Surely the universe was out of whack. 

“She asked me like two weeks ago, bless her soul but it was hysterical.”

I seethed as my fists clenched, “And you’re just telling me?”

“I knew you’d freak out,” she replied nonchalantly as she took another sip of her drink. 

“Obviously!” I yelled. 

“No offense, but you and Rachel are kind of obvious.”

“Well what did you say to her?” I pressed. 

“I didn’t have to say anything! She asked me and before I could answer she said ‘oh I hope so, that Rachel is so good for her’ and then walked away.”

“Was she drunk? Or high?”

She shook her head, “Sober as the day she was born.”

I surveyed her, “You’re serious?”

“I swear to you, I thought I was dreaming.”

“That’s…good? I guess.”

“You guess? You have absolutely nothing standing in your way! I’d give you my drink in celebration but Puckerman is near,” I practically launched out of my chair to attack her but she held up her hands in defense, “Jesus, I’m kidding!”

She started talking before I could yell at her, “Look, if you think that’s what Rachel’s waiting for you to realize then you’re probably right. I can’t imagine you being wrong, and if I were her, I’d feel the same way. Who wouldn’t want to hang on your arm during school?”

“Now you’re just teasing me.”

“Here nor there, I get where she’s coming from. I think you do too. Didn’t you once tell me that you hated that you couldn’t hold her hand in school? Wouldn’t you like to not only hold her hand but overhear someone say oh Rachel? Don’t look directly at her, that’s Quinn Fabray’s girl. Imagine getting to sing a duet with her at like one of your competitions or something. Don’t you want to be able to walk out of a grueling World History class and be able to greet your bubbly girlfriend with a kiss?”

She was right, I wanted all of those things. 

“You’ve always hated History,” I laughed at the memory of her ranting and raving about how pointless it was. 

“I don’t care about what happened 300 years ago! I just don’t.”

I stood up from the chair and held my fist out for her to bump, “Thanks Abs, I’m actually going to miss you when you leave next week.”

“Gee thanks squirt,” she bumped my hand anyway, “So what are you going to do?”

“Tell mom I’m having dinner at Rachel’s.”

“Ow oww,” she catcalled obnoxiously.

“You like what you see?” Puck called over from the rock waterfall.

“Not you Puckerman, keep skimming the pool,” I snapped at him as I walked towards the house to get my keys.

“Bring her the lunchbox!” I heard my sister call out to me. 

“I’m not bringing her the lunchbox,” I yelled over my shoulder. 

“But I got you a matching one!”

 

/

It didn’t take me long to drive over to Rachel’s house but it took more than three doorbell pushes until I got a response. I was greeted with a sweaty and panting Rachel, she seemed surprised to see me. 

“Quinn!” she pulled the other earplug out of her ear, “How long have you been here? I happened to hear the doorbell between songs.”

“10 minutes,” I guessed.

“You should have just come in.”

I shrugged sadly and kicked the doormat with my sandal, “I wasn’t sure if I was welcomed or not.”

Her face dropped into a frown, “Sweetheart, you’re always welcomed here.”

I felt myself breaking down as I saw the pain on her face by my confession. 

“I’m so sorry,” she rushed out as she opened her arms for me to step into them, “God, I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too,” I breathed into her shoulder.

Despite my best efforts, the tears that suddenly surprise attacked my eyes couldn’t be held back. Just being near her made me want to cry after not seeing her for almost a day, it was enough to let my emotions run wild. 

“Oh gosh, I’m all sweaty and gross, you’re probably appalled,” she began to move away but I held her tighter.

“It’s fine,” I whispered and my voice happened to crack. 

“Are you crying?”

“No.”

I was so busted. 

I felt her body shake with laughter, “I will not have you getting your dirty tears all over my clean body,” she teased. 

I laughed and finally pulled back to wipe away the few drops that made their way down my cheeks. She pouted as I sniffled and shook my head.

“I’m fine, I promise. I just missed you.”

Her features softened and she leaned in to give me a chaste kiss. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” she took my hand and began pulling me up the steps and to her room, “I need help picking out a first day of school outfit for tomorrow.”

I followed her up the steps and let her lead me into her bedroom. 

“Now, I’ve narrowed it down to five.”

My eyes scanned the bed and I pointed to the last one. I loved when she wore cotton dresses and the navy blue one she picked out was my favorite of the ones she modeled for me the previous week.

She bit her lower lip and smiled through her nod, “This is my favorite too.”

Rachel jumped in the shower so that she didn’t feel grimy.

“Do you ever get sick of me?” I asked from my spot on her bed. 

She was sitting at her desk, uploading her bi-weekly Youtube video. I’d finally succeeded in convincing her that MySpace was non-existent in the social networking circle, and that not as many people would see her talent if she continued to post it to her Myspace. She’d made a Youtube account almost instantly, but I noticed that she still posted the link to her MySpace page. I couldn’t win them all. 

She’d also given up her nightly uploads because she had something better to do every night. I’m not one to toot my own horn, but…

I tended to always be on her bed as she recorded the videos, there was something exhilarating about the idea that the people watching had no idea I was in the room and hidden out of view from the camera. I also could never miss a chance to hear Rachel sing. 

“What makes you say that?” she looked hurt. 

The magazine I was reading was forgotten on the bed next to me. I motioned for her to come join me on her bed. 

“I love you.” 

She smiled, “I love you too, Quinn. Why would I ever be sick of you?”

“I’m always around. I mean, we practically lived together this summer. And tomorrow school starts so we’ll see each other there, we have Glee together, and then we’ll go to one of our houses. Some nights we’ll watch a movie, other nights we’ll go out with our friends, and then we’ll end up sleeping with each other if we’re lucky. The only time I don’t see you is during Cheerios practice, and even then sometimes you’re in the bleachers.”

Rachel looked speechless. 

“I’m sorry that came out wrong,” I took a deep breath, “I like being around you, a lot. I just wanted to make sure that we were on the same page with that. I don’t annoy you, do I?”

She placed a kiss on my lips, “No, you don’t annoy me. I want to spend more time with you, if that’s possible. I can’t seem to get enough of you.” 

I felt my chest lighten. 

“I feel the same way.”

“It’s weird,” she started, “I’ve always been independent but it feels really, really good to have someone to depend on. I like looking forward to seeing you. Whenever we fall asleep, I look forward to waking up next to you. When I’m at singing lessons, I look forward to finding you reading on my bed while you wait. While I’m out with my dads, I look forward to receiving your text messages.”

I nodded because I knew exactly how she felt. 

“When I’m at cheerleading practice, I can’t wait to just kiss you after you pick me up.” 

She snuggled closer to me. 

“I know we don’t really talk about this, but what do you think people would say if they found out about us?” 

“Being how we are?”

I nodded against the top of her head, “It might be scary but I’d have you to fall back on. I don’t believe you’d let anything bad happen to me. I do wish that we could be ourselves in school. Sometimes I imagine myself giving you a kiss after you walk me to class or something, maybe feed you grapes during lunch. I’d also like to openly serenade you in glee instead of secretly doing it.”

“The stuff you said yesterday really stuck with me,” I began.

“Please don’t let it, I was being so irrational about everything. I know it’s something that you’re not ready for, your fears are reasonable and it was wrong of me to try and pressure you like that by picking a fight. I’m content with you however I can have you.”

It was so wonderful to hear her say all those things and it only made me want give her what she wanted more. Because ultimately she was letting me choose. And I was ready. 

“Do you think it’d be okay if I sang with you for one of your Youtube videos?”

She shot up quicker than I anticipated her to. 

“A duet? Really, Quinn?”

Before I could nod, she engulfed me in quite a hug of appreciation. 

I knew that people watched her videos, I knew they watched because they liked to hear her sing. Sure, I wrote nasty comments about the videos once upon a time but I still looked forward to listening to her renditions of the songs. I knew that everyone else secretly worshipped her voice and I knew that people would see the two of us singing a song together and some flags would be raised. I’d wanted to sing with her since joining the club two years ago but the opportunity rarely happened. I was killing two birds with one stone. I’d get to sing with her and it would also get the ball rolling on people finding out about us, I was ready for people to see the Quinn that Rachel saw every day. 

The second we walked into school together that next morning, we could see the obvious eyes trained on us. Before we left her house, I saw that the video of us singing Tiffany’s I Think We’re Alone Now had been viewed almost 3,000 times. It far surpassed any of her other videos and we both knew why. It may have been a tad forward and when Rachel suggested something a little tamer, I pushed for the Tiffany song. I’d heard the song on the way over to her house. I felt it suited us perfectly. 

Not even counting the way Rachel looked in a cutoff crew neck sweatshirt and high pony tail. 

We may have gotten a little carried away on the costume choices. But when Rachel had a vision, she ran with it. Literally. The treadmill came in handy as a tool to bring the lyrics to life. 

“Quinn, I’m slightly scared,” she whispered as we surveyed the people in the hallway staring at us. 

“We’ll be fine, don’t worry,” I promised her. 

I really had no idea how it would go but I couldn’t let it give us second thoughts. We worked too hard on our 80s style music video to go back. I poured my blood, sweat, and tears into that performance. 

“Walk me to class?” 

I smiled, “Of course.” 

“What do we do? They’re expecting us to do something, do we hold hands?” 

“Um, I guess?”

I choked back my fear and held her hand in mine as we made our way to her first classroom. 

“Text me please?” I begged, I could possibly handle my own but I was worried someone might try to hurt her. 

She nodded before walking into her classroom. I felt my phone vibrate once I got to my own room. 

Noah is salivating as if he’s a dog eyeing a piece of steak. 

I’ll take care of him later, are you okay besides that?

Just missing you

I missed her too, far more than I should have. I blinked back my tears and tried to ignore the people staring at me as if I was about to do a mind-blowing magic trick. 

That first day of school couldn’t have moved slower. 

“Could have warned me, Fabray,” Santana snapped as I was grabbing my books from my locker. 

I rolled my eyes. 

“I understand that you’re all yay gay now but was that really necessary?” 

“San, you told me you thought it was cute,” Brittany smiled wide, “I liked your leg warmers, Quinn. You could have used my Scrunchie maker if you wanted.” 

I smiled my thanks to Brittany before turning it into a smirk as Santana clearly avoided her blonde counterpart’s first statement. 

“Whatever, a little heads up would have been nice. Don’t think I’m going to stick up for your ass anymore.” 

“Next time, I’ll be sure to call you before I make any rash decisions or want to make any declarations to my girlfriend,” I replied sarcastically as we walked into the choir room for Glee rehearsal at the end of the day. 

I found practically every member already sitting in the chairs on the risers, Rachel was sorting through sheet music at the piano. 

“Hi,” I whispered as I snuck up. 

“Are they still staring at me?” she asked quietly. 

I could see out of the corner of my eye that they were. 

“Yeah.”

“Kiss me.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. Their eyes are constantly on me. I understand that this is good practice for when the paparazzi inevitably begins following me around New York but I have a few years before that happens. This needs to end now.” 

“Suit yourself.” 

The kiss was maybe one of the most innocent kisses we’ve ever shared but it appeased our audience. 

“Knew it. Pay up.” 

Everyone groaned as they threw money at Kurt. 

“You guys had bets on this?” Rachel asked incredulously. 

“More of a glee pool, if you will.”

“Did you know about this?” I directed my question at Santana. 

She shrugged as she continued to file her nails, “I had you guys publically announcing your gay-lationship on New Years,” she replied before finally looking up, “Hence why I was pissed you didn’t give me a heads up, I could have won this shit.”

“You’re all unbelievable.” 

“Can you blame us? We had to do something while the time passed,” Artie spoke up with an innocent shrug. 

“How did you even know we were secretly seeing each other?” Rachel asked.

Every single person announced their own reasoning and not one of them was comprehended by either of us.

“Puckerman, I will rip your eyes out if you continue to look at her like that.” 

His mouth finally closed but unfortunately didn’t stay closed, “I will literally give you my life savings if you let me watch you guys do it.” 

“Shut it, Puckerman!” 

“C’mon. You guys are like my two girls.” 

“Excuse me?” Santana raged from the end of the row, Brittany glared at the boy as well. 

Before the situation could escalate any further, a new situation arose. 

“She doesn’t care about you. She’s using you and she’s going to hurt you. She doesn’t love you like I do.” 

It appeared that Finn spent that last few class periods coming up with a list as to why Rachel shouldn’t be with me and listed them off before he forgot them. 

“Dude, you can’t just waltz in here and kill the moment. They were about to agree to a threesome,” Puck pouted. 

“Ew, you’re lucky I don’t have a gag reflex.”

“Seriously Finn, grow up.” 

“That’s so hot.”

“Rachel, you can’t trust her.”

“Puckerman, I swear to god.”

“Finn, leave them alone. They’re happy.” 

“Me and Santana will let you watch.” 

“Did anyone have bets on Finn’s reaction?”

“I want all four of you.”

“Puck, shut up! Hudson, don’t touch her.” 

“I had money on Finn going all Vanilla Sky on them.” 

“No one is watching us, Brit-Brit.” 

“She lied about the father of her own baby!”

“Why not? We let the video camera watch us.” 

“What is Vanilla Sky?” 

“Seriously? We’re still bringing this up? That was like over a year ago, you were dumb enough to believe me.” 

“Because Britt, those are private.” 

“It’s not my fault you were so convincing, maybe you can get pregnant from a hot tub.”

“Vanilla Sky is a stalker flick.”

“God you’re a moron, I’m glad Puck was the father, at least he has some kind of a brain.”

“Oh like Swimfan?”

“Santana, I will literally give you my life savings if I can have those tapes.”

“Enough!”

Everyone’s eyes went to the tiny brunette next to me as her voice ripped through all of the noise. 

“Puck you cannot watch anyone having sex, on tape or not. Kurt, Vanilla Sky is a tad much for this situation and my face is far too valuable to become disfigured. Tina, Swimfan doesn’t really compare, and also, I would never cheat on Quinn with a potential stalker. Quinn, before you open your mouth, I would never cheat on you regardless. Santana and Brittany, I have no words or judgments. Artie and Michael, thank you for staying silent. Sam and Mercedes, thank you for defending us. Finn, please don’t speak about my girlfriend like that.”

“Girlfriend? Rach, what about us?”

I couldn’t contain the scoff that passed my lips. 

“What about us?” she asked.

“I thought, you know, we were flirting and you were playing hard to get?” 

Delusional was an understatement. 

“Flirting? I haven’t even seen you since the 4th of July. I’m sorry if my actions of pushing you off of me when you kissed me have mislead you to believe that a relationship with you was something I wanted.”

“But with Quinn? Are you doing this to get back at me? I said I was sorry for sleeping with Santana.” 

“How I survived a semester at Dalton without this, I’ll never know.”

“Contrary to popular belief, this isn’t about you for once, Hudson”

“Stay out of this, Fabray.”

“Dude, don’t talk to my baby mama like that.” 

“Noah, please don’t call her that anymore.” 

“See? You’ll never be able to escape that, Rach. I mean, her baby is your step sister!”

“Bravo really needs to return my phone calls, how could they not give us a reality show?”

“You can borrow our video camera, Kurt.”

“I’ll pass, Britt.”

“These are all things that I know Finn, so if you’re trying to deter me from wanting to be with Quinn, it’s not going to work. Unless you’re aware of some unforeseeable detail that would make our relationship incestual, nothing is going to keep me from being with her.”

Finn moved his mouth up and down like a fish out of water. 

“Oh the plot thickens” Kurt remarked from his seat wide-eyed with anticipation.

“Well?” 

“Finn, what exactly is your problem with me?” I asked after more silence. 

“You’re the one that told Puck to slushie her for the first time, you got the entire school to call her horrible nicknames, you made that stupid Glist to make yourself feel better and hurt Rachel even more, you cheated on me with my best friend, got pregnant and continued to lie to my face. You’re a cheater and a liar. You probably even cheated on Sam! You’re a selfish bully and you don’t deserve someone like Rachel. You never have and, and, you never will.”

Rachel’s eyes snapped to mine, she knew my insecurity about the particular topic. He hit a serious nerve within me, and he hit it hard. Even Santana could tell. 

“Okay, seriously Finn you’re starting to piss me off. How dare you speak to my friend like that? If you didn’t have your oversized head shoved up your ass, you’d see that they actually make each other happy. Quinn has protected Rachel far better than you ever did, they’re obviously over their past issues and Berry has already made it clear that bringing them back isn’t going to break them up. You had your window of opportunity with her and you let it go and thank god because if you can’t see how happy Rachel has been with Quinn these past few months than you really don’t know her at all and I’ll be damned if you still think you deserve her at all. Now back your awkward ass away from them, Hudson, before I break your baby face into unrecognizable pieces.”

The silence in the room was almost eerie. Santana was up and in front of Finn by the time her speech was over, and Finn looked like he could use a new pair of pants. Rachel stayed silent as she curiously surveyed Santana with a tilted head, and I was fighting off the smirk my lips were forming. No one spoke for a very long time. 

“I’m sorry, did you just call her by her first name?” 

“So what?” she snapped, turning to retreat back to the seat she abandoned next to Brittany. 

Kurt looked like he just watched the last 30 seconds of the Sopranos series finale, “So what?!”

“Bro, I’d listen to her,” Puck piped up, finally adding something useful to the conversation. 

Finn didn’t respond to any of the chatter. I gently grabbed Rachel’s hand and tugged her towards the chairs as Mr. Schuester walked into the room finally. 

“So much for not sticking up for my ass,” I whispered teasingly to Santana. 

“Bite me, Fabray. And tell that girlfriend of yours not to get any ideas”

Mr. Schuester clapped his hands to get our attention, “Sorry I’m late guys, I had to meet with Figgins. So, what’d I miss?”

The groans were instantaneous and necessary. It was only the first day of school and already the tension in the choir room was thick. Rachel kept her hand intertwined with mine but I was too worked up to even enjoy the sensation. I had what I wanted but it didn’t feel like I thought it would. I had hundreds of regrets swirling around in my head about my past treatment of Rachel.

I pretended to let Finn’s words roll off my back for the sake of not completely ruining our day but it wouldn’t be avoided forever, in fact I didn’t plan on it lingering as long as a week. We were fine in school together, we continued to hold hands as we walked through the hallways, and she’d reach up to give me an appreciative kiss on my cheek after I’d drop her off at class. We still texted each other while we were bored in class, we sat with each other during lunch, and she even got her wish of being able to feed me grapes one day. But when we hung out with each other at one of our houses, it was almost forced and a little awkward between us. I didn’t mean for it to be but when we didn’t have the distraction of school, it was kind of hard to make believe everything was fine between us. 

The silence killed us. 

She didn’t push me to open up to her but I knew that she was smart enough to put the pieces together. I closed up on her intimately after Finn said those words to me. 

I was lying on the bed in her guest room. She was practicing a duet with Finn. I wasn’t thrilled with it especially after everything that had happened but there really weren’t that many male leads that could keep up with her for the specific song Schuester wanted to do. I brushed her off as if I didn’t care when she’d told me that she had to practice with him and she texted me to let me know that she changed the venue of the practice to her room so that I could be there as well. I set in to do my homework while I faintly listened to them run through the song a few times. 

I didn’t trust him at all. 

I ignored him when he walked up the stairs and dodged Rachel’s attempt to give me a kiss. I was being an idiot. 

He’d been gone for at least 10 minutes because I heard him close the front door and I heard his muffler as he drove down the street. I waited for Rachel to come get me. 

The knock on the guest room door should have clued me into the serious talk that was about to ensue between the two of us. She rarely knocked on the door. 

“Can we talk?” 

My body froze as I heard her voice. I put on my best face and slowly turned around to see a broken and not very confident Rachel. I was the reason for it. She always glowed after she sang but the girl before me just looked sad and hesitant. 

I cleared my throat, “Um sure, what did you want to talk about?” 

“Finn.”

“What about him?” If the crack in my voice was any indication, I was nervous. 

As stubborn as I was about everything, I still didn’t want to talk about it. 

“Will you at least look at me?” 

I closed my eyes, savoring one last moment of belonging to Rachel Berry before she cut me loose in favor of someone that was surely much more deserving of her. 

“Look, if you’re going to break up with me, please just do it quickly so I can gather my stuff and get out of your hair.”

“I knew it! You took what Finn said to heart,” she pointed an accusatory finger at me. 

“How could I not?”

“You told me you were fine last week.”

I could only shrug. 

“Don’t shut me out, Quinn.” 

When I didn’t respond, her body disappeared and I couldn’t help but wince at the slamming door. She rarely slammed the door but she was a perfectionist when it came to her diva storm outs. She never used them on me, though. She was either really pissed or she wanted me to react. 

I leapt up from the bed and knocked over my notebook in the process. It was what Fabrays did and I’d been doing such a good job of not being that. They tended to shut people out that got too close to them. Of course Finn’s words were in my mind since the second I heard them nearly a week prior. They weren’t going anywhere and instead of discussing it like a normal person, I decided to put myself through the sadistic torture that I had been lacking since getting together with Rachel. 

It didn’t take long for me to barge through Rachel’s bedroom door to find her pacing. 

“Don’t let me shut you out!” 

Rachel’s parents still weren’t home from the store yet so I didn’t have to worry about the loudness of my voice. 

“Please Quinn, tell me how I’m supposed to do that? You’ve been so damn closed off this past week, it’s like I’m talking to a wall,” she argued.

“What do you expect, Rachel? No one was attacking you or telling you that you are undeserving of me.” 

She scoffed and shook her head as she hugged herself. 

“I know I don’t deserve this treatment from you. I get that you’re insecure—”

“Just, shut up.” 

“You’re displacing your feelings.”

“God, stop trying to fix me, you’re not my therapist, Rachel. You’re my girlfriend.”

“Exactly, Quinn. I’m your girlfriend. I’m with you, not Finn—” 

I sneered, “Well you don’t have to do me any favors.” 

She pointed towards the door, “Get out of my house.” 

Her words ripped through me and hit me square in the chest like a freight train, hearing those words physically hurt me. She knew what those words did to me, she knew that it was exactly what my parents had told me the night they kicked me out of my house. The night they damaged me beyond repair. The night they messed me up so bad that I couldn’t even be in a normal relationship without feeling insecure and on edge at any given moment. And there was Rachel, throwing those words back in my face. Regardless if she realized it or not, they hurt like hell. 

“Quinn, I didn’t mean—”

Her words stopped when the door slammed shut behind me. 

I was being extremely difficult, and that I could admit. Rachel had never been anything less than perfect and understanding towards me. She got that some days I would need a few minutes to myself, she understood why I would occasionally flinch when we passed a baby in a stroller, and she quickly realized why I sometimes had trouble expressing my feelings. She also recognized that I’d need time away from her for a bit. She didn’t chase after me or try to get me to talk during dinner. I couldn’t be away from her even if we were in the middle of a fight. I went back to her guestroom and silently paced out my issues until the Berry’s called up for dinner. We answered their questions about our day but left it at that. Occasionally our eyes would meet from across the table and it felt like the butter knife was stabbing right into my heart. I knew that she was hurting as well but I needed to get my bearings before I made promises I couldn’t keep. 

We’d had stupid fights before. Over what movie to watch or where to order food from. They mostly escalated due to our stubborn personalities but this was the first fight that had the potential to affect us long term. We needed to squash and resolve it before it ended up destroying us. 

I hated what Finn said to me but I hated even more what I was doing to Rachel because of it. I just couldn’t hurt her anymore than I already was during the past week of silence and one word answers when we were alone. 

I needed to be the Quinn that she always saw in me. The one that would bare her soul and talk about everything that was on her mind. I needed to find the girl she fell in love with and be that person again. 

Finn was a minor detail in my life and even if he had his reservations about our relationship, Rachel was right, she was with me. Why I needed anything more than that, I wasn’t sure. 

There was silence after I knocked lightly on her door. I considered knocking again but I was a little scared that she wouldn’t respond again. I also considered that she’d be fast asleep already, that was an even scarier thought. It was the weekend and for her to be in bed by seven just to avoid me was painful to think about. I pushed her door open and it only managed to creak once. Her lights were on and Rachel was not in her bed. I pushed the door open wider to find her pacing around the open space on her carpet. 

“Rach?” 

Her head snapped up as she realized I was in the room with her. 

“Quinn,” she replied, a little breathless. 

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I approached her. I grabbed both of her hands in order to pull her towards her bed. We sat at the edge and I wrapped my arm around her lower back. 

“I’m stupid,” I started.

“You’re not stupid,” she immediately tried to argue.

“Let me get this out,” I breathed, “I’m stupid because sometimes I worry about what other people think. The only person that I really need to worry about is you.”

“Can I talk now?”

I smiled and nodded, “Santana was right when she told off Finn. He has no idea how incredibly happy you make me,” I let my small smile show, “He still sees the Quinn that broke his heart, and he still believes I’m the girl that obsessed over him sophomore year. He has no idea who we are now, especially to each other.” 

I remained silent as she brushed my bangs out of my eyes, “You’re amazing to me Quinn and you’re too hard on yourself.”

I nodded and looked down, “Finn got to me because everything he said was true,” I finally admitted, “And I was just waiting for you to realize it.” 

“It may have been true at one point or another, but it isn’t true now. If I wanted to live in the past, I’d have perfected a time machine already. I like it here with you in the present, and if you can believe it, because of Finn’s jealous rant, it only made me want to be closer to you. It further confirmed how unbelievably happy I am with you and how lucky I am to be the one you want to be with.

“I’m not naïve, I know how easy it would be for you to fall back into Finn’s version of yourself, but the fact that you want to continue changing and it’s for me, well I think that makes you the most deserving person in the world.”

“You’re really good with words,” I spoke through a small laugh. 

She was making it unbelievably easy to be with her and even easier to open up. 

“You can be too when you feel like it.”

“Are we okay? I’m sorry I’ve been acting like a royal bitch to you.”

“Of course, we’re okay,” she smiled before leaning in to place a soft kiss on my lips, “Even when we fight, I find myself unbelievably attracted to you,” her nose crinkled and I found myself heating up, “Promise you’ll come to me though if you’re upset about something?”

I nodded and bit my lower lip, “I promise.”

“We haven’t been able to truly appreciate the feeling of being free from everything, I mean, everyone knows…we can do whatever we want.”

“My mom knows too,” I told her, I’d been waiting for the right time to tell her. 

“She didn’t kick you out!” she clapped excitedly before she tackled me onto the bed and kissed every inch of my face.

“No, she didn’t,” I laughed as I felt her tickling my sides, “We haven’t talked yet but she knows at least.”

“This is amazing! It’s like a brand new chapter in our lives!”

“You’re so corny,” I teased before I kissed her pout away.

“So, girlfriend, how about that date I’ve been asking for?”

I leaned back in to catch her lips one last time before I stood up, “We can catch a 9’clock movie, but first I want to make another Youtube video with you.”

“Really?” she hopped off the bed with a squeal, “Cause my inbox has been full of requests, a few were a tad vulgar but I have a strong feeling that those were Puckerman’s doing.”

“Anything you want, Princess,” I smiled as she rushed over to her laptop and began scrolling through her instrumental song list. 

A Whole New World seemed to fit our situation perfectly.


	9. Thankschrismukkahween

The leaves had already changed a magnitude of warm colors and had long since fallen, the night began earlier and earlier with each day that came and went, and the air was crisper and colder as the winter months fast approached. Summer was surely my favorite season; the winter was surely my least. The holidays and the Fabrays went together like Oil and Water, and it was virtually impossible to get through them without drinking yourself into a comatose. I didn’t have the same privileges as my parents did in that department while growing up. It was no secret that I was reluctant as the family holidays approached. It wasn’t discussed, but it wasn’t so much avoided either. We survived Halloween and passed with flying colors, it was a test run however. Dipping our toes in the water, so to speak. 

Rachel left notes in my locker practically every day since October had started. They were costume ideas. The entire school knew about us at that point so it meant we were expected to have stellar matching costumes. Well, Rachel expected us to. I knew what we were going to be, I just waited until the last possible minute to tell her or else she’d back out.

We reverted back to our middle school selves on mischief night and stealthily made our way to the Puckerman house with some shaving cream and toilet paper safely in our backpacks. We were ninjas in the night as we decorated his truck in all white. The following day at school was spent hiding our smiles and claiming innocence when interrogated. Rachel didn’t need to know that I put all the blame on Finn. 

Halloween was on a Friday that year and it was spent perfecting our costumes. Well, Rachel perfecting the costumes while I snuck pieces of candy from the black caldron in the hallway.

“Quinn Fabray, if I see you take one more Snickers, you’ll pay.” 

“How do you even know?” I asked with a mouthful of nougat. 

She ignored me, “Those are for the children later.”

“You spoil the children.”

“I spoil you.”

It was true and I had no argument. 

I settled on eating the cookies Rachel baked the night prior, only after convincing her that no child in their right mind would take baked goods from a house on Halloween. 

“Sweetheart, have you always tried to give children cookies on Halloween?”

Her lips moved up and down with pure confusion on her face, “Maybe that’s why so many kids run away yelling stranger danger.”

I laughed softly as I moved closer to her and wrapped my arms around her neck, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh, but that’s so sad.”

“Well not everyone, Jacob Ben Israel takes a cookie,” she reasoned.

I leveled her with one of my are you serious? looks and she nodded, “You’re absolutely right.”

She pouted and I simply couldn’t have that. 

“If we were a couple that was trying to kidnap children via tasty treats, we’d surely get the most kids based on how amazing these cookies are.”

Her smile brightened and she leaned forward to meet my lips before pulling back, “Why do I taste peanut butter on your lips? Did you find my secret stash!?”

“No, of course not!” I backed away from her slowly.

“Quinn?”

“You can’t be mad at me.”

She shrieked when she saw the empty wrappers next to the caldron.

I winced as she turned her glare on me, “I have a really bad sweet tooth, candy is my kryptonite.”

“Luckily I anticipated this and have three more secret stashes of candy for the kids.”

“Where are they?”

“Nice try.”

As the night began to fall, we found ourselves propped next to each other on the couch that we deemed ours and settled in to watch a marathon of ridiculously corny and—at times— scary Halloween classics. 

“Fake. So obviously fake,” she’d point out every once in a while before scoffing, “Like someone would run that slow when a killer was chasing them!” 

“Babe, it’s just a movie.” 

“As someone in the industry, I’m offended by the inaccuracies.” 

“So what would you do if there was a serial killer chasing you?”

“Quinn, we do those monthly drills for a reason.”

“Right.”

Our first trick or treaters arrived halfway through the first movie. Before the doorbell could even ring, the two of us were waiting with wide smiles as all the imaginative costumes came for their sacred chocolates. Our movie was abandoned as we both took seats on the rocking chairs that adorned the front porch, letting the cool air hit us while we chatted, but mostly judged the children’s costume choices that year. 

Well, I judged while Rachel reprimanded me for being such a harsh critic.

Any time a tiny cheerleader would approach, I’d be sure to give her an extra piece that she could eat before the high school hierarchy wouldn’t let her. At the Fabray residence, the candy would be left on the front step with a reminder to only take one piece. As I got older, I’d watch the children approach my house from my upstairs window, wishing that I was still young enough to go out with my friends, or that I could sneak downstairs to give the children candy. 

I smiled at Rachel while she interacted with a self proclaimed 7 year old diva, and I absolutely called her out when she let the girl take a handful of candy. I also noticed the sad smile Rachel had when a girl would approach the house by herself; it broke my heart once I realized why she was pampering those girls with so much candy. I chose not to call her out on those occasions. There were six girls that approached the house by themselves, I knew because as each one walked back down the walkway, Rachel would turn to me and my heart would break even more. 

“I’m so glad you’re here with me, this is by far the best Halloween I’ve ever had.”

I reached across and held her hand with mine, “It’s the best Halloween I’ve ever had too, Rach.” 

We were creating our own traditions and it felt good. I attended Puck’s Halloween party every year but I never looked forward to going. It got slightly repetitive when Santana, Brittany, and I would wear the same Angel costume every year. The year I was pregnant it had turned into two angels and their not so angelic friend. 

“Quinn, people are going to be appalled at our costume choices,” Rachel called out nervously from the bathroom connected to her bedroom. 

“I know, I can’t wait. How does it look?” I asked excitedly, my recent fantasies were only about to come true finally. 

“I’m not sure about this.” 

“I’m wearing this ridiculous outfit; you can do it for one night.” 

She scoffed through the door, “I resent that, that outfit is not ridiculous. You look incredibly fashionable and sexy,” she mumbled the last part. 

“Sorry, what was that?” 

The door opened after a few seconds, “I said sexy.” 

“Quinn?”

“Hmm?”

“Your jaw.”

“What about it?” 

“It’s on the floor.” 

I shook out of my trance but refused to take my eyes off her body. 

“Wow.” 

“Give me your necklace,” she held out her hand expectantly. 

I blindly took it off and handed it to her before realizing what I was doing. 

“Wait, what? Why do you want my necklace?” 

“First of all, if I’m going to be in complete Quinn Fabray head bitch in charge mode, or whatever it is that people call you, I’m going to need to wear the necklace. It’s like a source of power. And also, if you want to pull off a proper Rachel Berry, you can’t be wearing this thing. And I’m assuming that if we want to be convincing, we should get into our roles now.”

“Rach, you look incredible.”

“I know,” she smirked before breaking out of her role and whispering excitedly, “Thank you, and might I add you look exceptional yourself in argyle and knee highs,” she winked before placing her hands back on her hips. 

I knew that I’d get my ass chewed out by Coach Sylvester at school the following Monday, and chewed was an understatement as I’d soon find out, but I couldn’t bring myself to care as I stared at her backside while we walked up to the Puckerman house. The red looked better on her than any of the girls on the squad. Her pulled back hair revealed all of her tempting neck, her legs were toned under the flaps, and the white tennis shoes made me want to kiss her calves all night long. I was about to be in serious trouble. 

“Quit staring at my ass freak, you look pathetic and you’re embarrassing yourself.” 

Like I even sounded like that.

I stopped walking, “You know, we’re not inside yet, you don’t have to act like me.”

“Who said I was acting?” she smiled coyly. 

I caught up to her and decided to give her a taste of her own medicine. 

“While I find your mannerisms endearing and quite flattering for someone with less acting experience than myself, I’ll have to deny all of your glaringly obvious and repressed advances that you’re sure to make on me tonight. It appears that you’ve chosen to dress up as head cheerleader Quinn Fabray and likewise, I myself have chosen to go with the independent and self-centered Rachel Berry for tonight’s festivities. You’ve probably already tuned out my incessant rant by now but I suggest you get yourself a dictionary soon so you can understand the big words I use,” I gave her a wide and teasing wink before I brought the pink bedazzled microphone to my lips and sang the opening lyrics to Total Eclipse of the Heart. 

“You’re evil, the only thing you were accurate on was the part about how repressed you were last year,” she narrowed her eyes but the amusement was obvious. 

Her Quinn Fabray needed work. 

“Oh, I almost forgot,” I looked down while she continued to keep a straight and irritated face; I pressed the sticker to her cheek, “Gold star. Did you know they were a metaphor?”

“I do NOT carry around gold star stickers with me anymore. Or a microphone.” She added as an afterthought.

“Nice try, I found both of these in your backpack.” 

“You know I could have purchased a fake pregnancy stomach for tonight. I’m portraying you in a rather nice way,” she reminded me. 

I shrugged, “A true Fabray would have gone for blood, it’s your own fault you’re such a softy.” 

She reached under the top of the uniform and struggled briefly before pulling something out from her chest area. 

“What is that?”

She held up a deflated balloon before bringing it to her lips, “Now remember, if the balloon pops, the noise makes the angel’s cry.” 

I stepped forward so that I was nose to nose with her but I couldn’t even be mad at her. She was spot on in her impression of me. 

Instead of backing down like I’d expect her to under my gaze she inched forward until her lips were tickling my own. 

“You’re going to regret that,” I growled lowly.

“I can’t wait until you make me,” she replied just above a whisper before her lips inched closer and connected with mine. 

The door flung open to reveal a smirking Puckerman, “All of my fantasies just came true.”

I shot him a look as I reluctantly pulled away from Rachel, “Don’t even look at her.” 

Puck had the decency to look momentarily hurt before recovering, “Welcome to casa de Puckerman, ladies, clothing is optional.”

Rachel slid past him and ran her finger down his chest, “We’ll keep that in mind, Noah, when we have sex in your bedroom later.”

Puck gaped at me before I shoved past his speechless form to catch up to Rachel. She was the center of attention as everyone turned to stare at her in my Cheerios uniform, she was loving the limelight. 

“Whoa,” I whispered in her ear, “What are you doing?”

She shrugged, “I can say those things ‘cause I’m pretending to be you.”

“When do I ever talk like that?”

“When you’re drunk.”

The music masked my high pitched tone, “I don’t announce it to the world!”

“My bad.”

She didn’t seem too apologetic about it and I had a feeling it was only the beginning. We should have never dressed up as one another for Halloween. 

Rachel snapped her fingers, “Someone make me a drink, now.”

Puck was sending a silent prayer up to the heavens as he scampered away to fulfill Rachel’s demand.

“Wow Berry, you actually look hot as hell.”

“Thanks S,” she replied proudly while putting her hands on her hips. 

“I can’t believe you let her wear your uniform.”

I shrugged before putting my arm around Rachel, “My girl looks damn hot, doesn’t she?”

Rachel beamed up at me and I placed a kiss on her lips before turning back to the two other girls.

“Like your outfits,” I smirked as I eyed Santana’s red leather pants.

“Yeah well, since someone decided to ditch us this year, we had to improvise.”

“Santana is the devil and I’m her angel,” Brittany told us. 

“Puck is Mr. T I’m assuming?”

As he was every year.

“I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to be the A-team or something stupid.”

I nodded and watched as Brittany whispered something in her girlfriend’s ear and the two of them giggled before disappearing. I lead Rachel into the living room where everyone else was casually talking and admiring everyone’s outfit choices. 

I leaned down, “You okay? You’ve been really quiet.”

“What?” she glanced up at me, “Oh yeah, I’m just practicing my cold fear-inducing glare.”

“You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“More than you will ever know.”

I tugged her hand until she was looking at me expectantly, “Were you serious about Puck’s bedroom because I really don’t think I can get the image out of my mind now.”

Rachel turned to me and it was almost frightening how mischievous her smirk was.

The pumpkins wilted away and the decorations were taken down as the next holiday approached. It wasn’t that I hated Thanksgiving; it was just that I’d never had a good one. Like, ever. They always ended in tears or alcohol induced comas. I was normally the one in silent tears by the end of the night. 

In reality, the winter holidays should be a teenager’s favorite time of the year for the sole fact that it meant no school for a few days. What high school kid didn’t get a thrill out of that? Well, me. It meant four long days with Fabrays from all over. And if you’ve met one, you’ve met them all. They’re all the same. 

When my mother suggested we go to visit my older sister at her new apartment in New York, I cringed at the idea. Being in an unfamiliar city with Fabrays was almost worse than having Thanksgiving at our house in Lima. At least in Lima, I could sneak out and hide at Santana’s for a while. Like I did every year. 

Luckily, appearances were still more important than family to my mother. 

“So I got nominated for homecoming court this year.” 

I pretended that it didn’t mean the world to me but inside I was ecstatic. It was one step closer to the goal I made for myself on the first day of school freshman year, Prom Queen. The odds of becoming Prom Queen only increased in your favor if you were crowned Homecoming Queen. I had worked my way back up to the top. 

“Oh Quinnie, that’s wonderful!” my mother squealed over her plate of pasta. 

Monday night was pasta night. 

I had been playing out the conversation in my mind since I learnt of the news earlier that morning, when it was announced during the morning announcements. I had been dreading the talk with my mother. I knew visiting Abby was something my mother had been looking forward to since she booked the flight the month before. I didn’t want her to stay back on my behalf, but I also didn’t want to miss Homecoming that year. For a few reasons. 

“I know you wanted to go to New York as a family, but I was wondering if I could stay here?”

Her lips were set in a small frown, it was her thinking face. 

“But it’s Thanksgiving.”

I placed the fork down on my plate and clasped my hands together, “I know, but it’s homecoming, Mom.” 

I was pulling that card. 

I didn’t really want to go to New York without Rachel and I was looking for any opportunity to get out of having to go that weekend. 

She sighed, she knew exactly what I was getting at. 

“I suppose you’re right, I just don’t like the idea of you spending Thanksgiving alone.” 

I already had an answer for her, “I’m sure I’ll be welcomed at the Berry’s.” 

Rachel and I had already discussed it, obviously. We even had rehearsals where Rachel pretended to be my mother. 

“Well I figured that,” she replied playfully, “I meant alone without your family.” 

I didn’t even think about bringing up the fact that I had to do it the year before when I was kicked out of the house.

I gave her a firm smile, refusing to let it show that the thought still bothered me, “They’re kind of like my family, my second family.” 

She nodded, finding solace in my answer and she resumed eating. But not before she asked me if she could take me dress shopping. 

I could have told Rachel the news when I texted her after dinner, or even later that night on the phone. But it was well worth it to wait until the next morning so that I could see her face light up at the fact that I’d essentially be living with her for four days. So worth it. 

Our football team that year was having another winning season, and the bleachers were packed as alumna came from all over for McKinley’s homecoming and Thanksgiving game on that Wednesday night against our long time rivals. We were favored to win, and it would be the first time in nearly fifteen years that we’d beat them. 

Rachel was in the stands, as per usual, and her fathers both accompanied her as they normally did to all the games since we started to date. It was a nice feeling, being able to look in the stands and find her in the exact same spot every time, smiling that smile that made me blush. That night, the remaining glee members that weren’t on the football team or cheerleading squad sat with the Berrys. 

As halftime rolled around, my stomach was in knots. The court was made up of Cheerios and football players, and I hadn’t realized how much I truly wanted it until seconds before the announcer spoke. And not for the reasons that my mother would believe. I wanted to be someone Rachel could be proud to call hers, for her to be able to tell people her girlfriend was homecoming queen. Let’s face it, it’s not like you heard that sentence everyday coming from a girl. 

“This year’s senior homecoming queen is Quinn Fabray and accompanying her is quarterback Finn Hudson.”

I was afraid that it would happen the way it did. We both put on fake smiles as he guided me to the 50-yard line. We weren’t friends but we were civil to each other when we needed to be. We didn’t bother each other and he soon realized that there was really no point in whining because we weren’t going to break up. I didn’t tell Rachel, but I called him sometime after we came out to apologize for everything that happened between all of us. I still didn’t like him but I knew the tension in the choir room stressed Rachel out. It was a small sacrifice and it was well worth it in the long run. 

I made sure to keep my eyes on Rachel the entire time she cheered from the stands. She knew my reservations on the matter, and to further prove that it wasn’t the only thing I wanted out of life anymore, I danced with her instead of Finn during the obligatory King and Queen dance at Homecoming later that weekend. I was content in not going at all but I couldn’t pass up the chance to be the first person to bring Rachel to a dance, and I most certainly couldn’t pass up the chance to share our first dance together, Rachel’s first dance ever. 

“I’m so proud of you,” Rachel beamed up at me, her chocolate eyes shining almost as brightly as her spotlight smile. 

I leaned in and kissed her, something that we rarely did in public settings. I needed her to know that I was the one that was proud of her.

She giggled softly into my chin when she pulled away, still keeping me close enough to feel her eyelashes flutter against my skin. She looked stunning. 

“I know how much this meant to you,” she told me softly, “And I can’t tell you how much this means to me,” she didn’t need to further allude that she was talking about the dance we were sharing, I already understood. 

She knew that I wasn’t a big slow dancer and she knew that I wasn’t huge on letting everyone see my vulnerable side. That my one true weakness was Rachel Berry. 

“Well you mean more to me now, you know that right?”

She smiled even wider before ducking her bashfulness into my neck.

The Berrys traditions were soon my traditions. On Thanksgiving morning, we all curled up on the couch in our pajamas to watch the parade and even cheered as Santa made his appearance to officially kick off the Christmas season. 

We had an early dinner and spent most of the day running around the kitchen and trying not to knock into each other. I spent nearly an hour on the phone with my mother that Thanksgiving and after the pies had been devoured, the four of us curled up again and watched whatever football game was on. 

“I didn’t know you liked football,” I whispered to her as Mr. Berry settled into his seat next to other Mr. Berry, as I sometimes called them. 

She turned to look at me, “Do you like football?” she asked, almost completely ignoring my question. 

I shrugged, “You’d think because I’m a cheerleader that I would love it, but it kind of bores me,” I admitted. 

She smiled and leaned in to press a kiss to my cheek, “I knew we were meant to be.” 

“So it bores you, too?”

She leaned in closer, her lips just barely brushing my ear, “Don’t tell Dad, but me and Daddy always pick the opposite color of who he’s rooting for. Even though I have no idea what’s going on most of the time.”

I pulled back with a grin, “You’re evil.”

“We just watch our team color and react accordingly, we tend to get really into it. My acting skills have improved over the years thanks to this,” she smiled wide, “And it makes it much more entertaining.”

“What’s entertaining, Sweet Pea?” 

Rachel turned to her father, “I was just telling Quinn how entertaining this game is going to be, who are you rooting for in tonight’s competition?” she asked sweetly, I was trained at that point to be able to pick up on the Rachel Berry fake voice. 

I’m sure her fathers were also trained.

“The Gia—” he sighed, “The blue team.” 

“Very well then. I’m sorry to say this but it looks as if we’re going to be rivals tonight father, I wish you the best.” 

Her father looked towards the man next to him, “I suppose you’re rooting for the white team as well?”

“I’ve always been a strong supporter of the white team,” he chuckled, sending his daughter a wink. 

“Quinn? What about you?” 

I was rubbing the back of Rachel’s neck with my thumb, she turned to look at me, hoping that I’d be on her side. 

“I’m with you, Mr. B, the blue team is going to win,” I gave him a smile and he sat back into the couch looking victorious. 

“’Atta girl, they think I don’t know what they do every year when they cheer for the opposite team. Glad to have you on board.” 

Rachel opened her mouth a few times but no words ever came out. She huffed and crossed her arms, shooting me a dangerous look at my sudden betrayal. I kissed her temple and resumed massaging her neck. 

“Sack him! Sack him! Sack him! SACK HIM!” she yelled at the television, making sure to bounce over to her other father to give him a high five. 

She threw herself back on the couch and into my arm, making sure to stick her tongue out at me as she went. 

“I thought you said you didn’t know anything about football.”

“I pined after Finn for 2 years, I know what a sack is.” 

She was up and screaming something else at the TV before I could reward her with an appropriate response. 

The white team ended up winning, which was fine by me because I was having more fun watching how flustered she’d get when I’d cheer for the blue team. Her fathers went to bed after the game, but not before both Rachel and Brian danced their victory laps around the house. 

I pulled her down onto the couch when she began doing the shopping cart. Enough was enough. I should have ended it sooner, like when she was doing the sprinkler. 

“You’re adorable but you’re crazy,” I told her.

She huffed but cracked a smile, “You’re just jealous that my team won.” 

“That’s exactly it,” I mused. 

“Don’t get sarcastic with me.”

After a few attempted kisses and rejections by Rachel, she finally gave in and curled into me as we flipped through some channels, both of us so tired from the day yet still didn’t want to go to sleep. 

Even if there would be hell to pay in the morning. 

“Remember that time I said that I liked going shopping with you?” I asked as I trailed behind her, holding more bags than I could count. Rachel had a bit of pep to her step as she gave some money to the Salvation Army, for the 8th time. 

“Quinn, Black Friday is a national holiday.”

I finally got everything into the car after our 5 hour shopping spree to every strip mall within a 10 mile radius. 

She seemed to be adamant on finding the perfect presents for everyone in glee, we didn’t even make it to her family and relatives. 

Christmas music blared through the speakers and Rachel seemed to have known every lyric of every holiday song ever created. How many versions of Baby, It’s Cold Outside were there?

“Is this really necessary?” I gestured towards the radio as she turned up the volume even more. I pulled out of the spot and told myself that I wouldn’t stop at anymore stores, no matter how much she begged. I wouldn’t do it. 

“Yes. And don’t even think about trying to change the station, they’re all tuned to the same thing.”

Rachel sang along to the music, clapping excitedly when each song would start, claiming that it was her absolute favorite. Why the radio station was playing Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving was beyond me. 

“Quinn, look,” she was pointing out the passenger side window and I could tell she had her eyes glued on an outlet. 

“No,” I shook my head, “Not looking.” 

If I looked, I’d be a goner. 

“Please,” she begged. 

We rolled to a stop at the light, I turned to look out her window before I was met with her pleading face and lower lip jutting out. 

“Fine,” I sighed out, throwing my arms up in the air before I put the blinker on. 

How was I going to get across 3 lanes of highway?

The kiss I received made it worth it. 

Rachel was tricky to shop for, especially because we spent nearly all of our free time together on the weekend. She was a bloodhound when it came to presents and she knew all of the normal hiding spots in my bedroom. She knew about the loose floorboard in my closet, she knew about the crawlspace hidden behind my dresser, and she even knew about the hallowed out book I kept in my night stand. 

I minimized all the windows on my laptop when I heard the soft knock on my door, I still didn’t have the faintest idea of what to get Rachel for Hanukkah and Christmas. I was planning on getting her something small for each day of Hanukkah and one big present for Christmas but everything I thought of seemed tacky. 

“Are you ready?”

I nodded absently as I cleared my browser history. It became routine. 

“Just give me a minute,” I called over my shoulder before hibernating the computer.

She still hadn’t guessed the password I put on my username. I tended to take extra precaution once I learned how adamant she was on ruining surprises. If she took a second to think she’d realize that my password was her birthday. 

While I enjoyed when she would drive me around occasionally, it also meant that I had no control over where we were going. We were only going to grab dinner since her parents were both working late but I had a feeling she’d sneak in some shopping somehow. After walking around the mall for an hour, we got food at one of the restaurants there. 

“What do you want for Christmas?” she asked as she sipped on her soda, “I’ve yet to see a Christmas list and my fathers are starting to ask.” 

“Not everyone is capable of producing a bounded and covered Christmas list like you are.” 

She frowned as I continued to do the word search on the back of the kids menu. 

“Well naturally, but all you have to do is jot a few things down.” 

“I don’t want anything.” 

“Nonsense, everyone wants something. Daddy is starting to get antsy; you know how much he loves to shop.”

It was true; the man could give his daughter a run for her money. 

“Tell them that they’ve given me you.” 

“Quinn—”

“Please, can we drop it?”

It was silent while we waited for our waitress to come back with our food and it was silent as we ate. I paid before she could protest and as we walked to the car I pulled her into me, placing a kiss on her temple. 

“I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier, this time of the year is rough for me and I don’t mean to take it out on you.” 

“I understand Quinn, I just want to ensure this is the best Christmas you’ve ever had.”

“I don’t need presents for that.”

“You sure know how to charm ‘em,” She laughed as she ran her hand up and down the back of my coat. 

The first weekend in December the Berry’s fake tree came down from the attic and after spending an hour detangling the lights, we were ready to begin decorating. I watched with amusement as Rachel adorned the tree with tiny draidels and struggled in getting the biggest gold star I’d ever seen on top of the tree. 

“You okay?” she asked as she handed me a mug of hot chocolate and sat next to me on the loveseat.

“Your house looks beautiful,” I commented.

She looked around the room with pride. We were sitting in the silent living room in front of the lit up colorful tree, a few of the other decorations were lit as well. The serenity in the room could lull me to sleep. 

“Your house too,” she replied as she rested her head on my shoulder, “Well, basically.” 

“I love my mom and sister, but this feels more like a home to me sometimes.”

“I know the holidays used to be a bad time for you, but they don’t have to be anymore.”

I nodded and took another sip of my hot chocolate, “I know.”

We sit in silence for a little while longer and I think about the past year we’ve spent together, I feel her yawn against my shoulder.

“Are you ready for bed, Sleepyhead?” I asked as I played with the lifelines on her palm. 

“I sleep on the couch every year on the night the tree goes up.” 

Of course she did. 

“Can I join you?”

I really didn’t have to ask, I knew the answer.

“Only if you promise to protect me from monsters.”

“Don’t I always?” 

She nodded because as irrational was her fear of monsters, I still protected her from them on the nights I would sleep at her house. For someone that lived in the same house since she was born, she sure was easily scared. It didn’t even take me a full year to recognize that the creak coming from the hallway was from her father waking up in the middle of the night for some Oreos and milk, or the tapping on the window was just the wind.

I also knew that she played up her fears so that I’d hold her closer. 

Rachel was sneaky. She was far sneakier in High School than I could ever give her credit for. I’m sure there are things that she did for my sake that I still don’t know about, but I began to realize just how much I underestimated her the second weekend in December. 

“Cute Christmas card, Losers.”

I turned to Rachel as Santana sat behind us on the bus ride to Sectionals, “What is she talking about?” 

She shrugged, “I have no idea.” 

My girlfriend was always a horrible liar. 

It wasn’t until Rachel’s Aunt called the next morning that I demanded to know what was going on. 

“You used the picture of us from before the Homecoming dance?” I practically shrieked once I saw myself on the Berry holiday card. 

She grabbed the card out of my hand, I turned and pulled another one out of the drawer, “It’s your own fault for not catching on to the fact that my Dads were wearing holiday sweaters.” 

“I just thought they were excited for the holidays.” 

She nodded in agreement, “It’s a cute picture, we even match.” 

“We’re both wearing black dresses,” I stated. 

“Symmetry.” 

I should have known Rachel would figure out a way to obtain my Christmas list. My mother was under strict orders not to crack under Rachel’s intense questioning every time she’d come over for dinner and Abigail already knew not to answer the phone if it was Rachel calling. She still somehow got it, but I suppose it was my own fault. I should have caught on when Mr. Schuester asked us to fill out a two page survey for the glee Secret Santa, or when Brittany asked me what I wanted every chance she got. 

“Are you okay with celebrating Hanukkah?”

I shrugged, “I was raised Catholic but I’m open minded I guess. And your dads don’t have a problem with celebrating both. I just know nothing about it so you’ll have to teach me.” 

Wrong thing to say to Rachel Berry. 

A power point, 2 documentary style movies, and three pop quizzes later and I was a pro. 

“I know you didn’t want any presents but let’s face it, I don’t listen,” Rachel said as she shoved a present wrapped in silver wrapping paper onto my lap. 

At least she could admit her faults.

I smiled wide regardless, because how could I not with Rachel Berry’s eyes shining as bright as the sun? 

The first night I cried when I opened the box and found a red stocking with my name written across the top in gold glitter, matching the three other ones on the fire place. The fourth night she cried as she listened to the CD I made of myself singing a few of the Christmas songs that I knew were her favorite. The seventh night both the Berry men teared up as they watched my reaction to opening their present and finding my name had been added to the Berry Family Ornament. 

Christmas Eve was spent at Rachel’s grandmother’s house, I didn’t really mind being surrounded by 15 kids and not one person batted an eyelash when Rachel kissed me under the mistletoe that she’d so obviously planned to get me under. My mother stopped by after her office holiday party to pick me up for midnight mass.

“You don’t have to do this,” I looked at Rachel in the mirror as she stood behind me, I was running a brush through my hair. 

“It’s Christmas Eve, Quinn, we’re spending it together.” 

When I was younger, there was one hour that absolutely topped every other single hour during a year. It even beat out the hour that summer vacation started. That early morning hour in late December when it was still dark outside but you’ve never been more awake, the hour that everything you’ve wished and hoped for would finally be there waiting for you under the Christmas tree, wrapped in shiny paper just dying to be ripped to shreds. You’d spent the entire night before preparing the perfect array of cookies and vegetables on a Christmas themed plate, making sure to pour just enough milk. You wrote and revised your letter to Santa hundreds of times and you even tried to sneak a peek at the tree from the staircase when you thought you heard some jingling coming from the roof. 

After discovering that the mountain of presents came from your parents, you still pretended to believe for one more year because you didn’t have the heart to tell your older sister that she didn’t have to pretend to also believe anymore. She always looked out for you, and it was the one morning that you were able to jump on top of her while she slept and you’d go unharmed. Your attention span was non-existent on that morning, jumping from one Barbie Dream House to another. Relatives poured in with even more presents and you were in heaven. You were too young to worry about the drama that came when a group of Alpha males gathered in one room, and you were too busy to be bothered by the gossip that filled the kitchen while the women cooked. You didn’t have to worry about whether or not someone would like the present you got them, and you wouldn’t be afraid that your homemade coupon book for each member of the family wasn’t enough. The smiles may have been fake but you were none the wiser. 

“Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.”

“What time is it?”

“If I tell you, you’re not going to get up.” 

I groaned, that meant that I didn’t want to know. 

I threw the covers off of me and blindly reached for the silk robe that Rachel gave me one night for Hanukkah.

“Why was that so easy?” she asked.

I gave her a kiss as she crawled over towards the edge of the bed, “Because I was the one doing the waking up on Christmas morning and I know how excited you probably are. And you’ve never had to wake anyone else up so I’ll cut you a break.” 

As we hit the landing of the stairwell, Rachel scampered off to join her father Brian in front of the tree. I was handed a mug of coffee from her other father, Michael. He adjusted his black framed glasses as he watched both his husband and daughter shake presents and point out ones that had their names on the tags. 

“Welcome to Christmas morning,” he mumbled. 

I watched on with amusement as they bragged about the size of some of their presents. I saw the three presents that I wrapped for Rachel earlier and the queasy feeling in my stomach was making itself known again. Just like I thought she would, she wanted to save my presents for last, as did the Berrys. 

“Quinn, this is too much,” Michael told me as he handed his husband the pamphlet to the Spa.

“It was my mom’s idea, and I agreed. You’ve done so much for me, you both deserve a long weekend away by yourselves. It’s all taken care of, you just need to call and confirm the weekend you’ll be going.” 

“Way to show me up,” Rachel whispered as she watched her homemade coupon book lay forgotten next to the men, “You’re lucky that’s not all I got them this year.”

“I did this for us, too,” I whispered. “A weekend away for them, means a weekend alone for us.”

She gave me a kiss as the men discussed possible weekends they could go away together. We waited until they went into the kitchen before we exchanged gifts. 

“Why are you crying? Do you hate it?” I asked as I gnawed on my lower lip in hesitation.

“Happy tears, I swear.” 

“What’d she get you?” the men came back in after they heard Rachel scream, “I like having Quinn around, she’s better than Santa Claus!”

“Tickets to see a show on Broadway!”

“It seems like she also gave you her patience.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“A nine hour car ride and weekend away with Rachel in the city? Well, I’ll let you see for yourself,” the man teased. 

She toppled me over with a hug before I could further question how bad it would be. 

“We’re staying with Abby for a few days before New Years Eve, she has a lot planned for us.”

“I can’t wait!” she continued to study the tickets, occasionally holding them up to the light to make sure they were real. 

“Your present isn’t here yet, it should be delivered in a bit.” 

“Rach, I told you that I didn’t want a matching elliptical.”

I should have seen the glint in her eyes. 

The doorbell rang sometime after the Christmas parade; we’d already been to my house to open presents with my mother, taken naps, showered, and eaten breakfast. I still don’t know what time Rachel woke me up that morning. I was cutting and peeling apples with her father for the pie filling when I heard Rachel greet whatever relative arrived. 

After a few minutes she joined me in the kitchen, “Your present is here,” she smiled wide and grabbed my arm as I wiped my hands on a dish towel. 

Few things could render me speechless and Rachel’s present on that first Christmas did just that. Words escaped me and air was nonexistent.

“Shelby?” 

“Hi Quinn, Merry Christmas,” she smiled back as she bounced the baby in her arms. 

“Beth?”

“Why don’t we sit,” she suggested.

My white knuckled grip on Rachel only got tighter as I started to move towards our loveseat. 

“I was hoping that you guys could babysit Beth for the afternoon while I get the house ready for my relatives.”

“Really?”

She nodded, “She loves the park and she’s a little daredevil on the swings,” she told me as she began to stand, “She’s never been on the slide before, maybe you’d like to take her down it with you?” she smiled as she gently transferred the child into my arms. 

Beth’s hazel eyes were staring up at me as she stuck her fingers into my mouth. 

“Thank you,” I told her as I moved her to my other arm. 

Rachel made sure to take notes while she made Shelby explain everything in excruciating detail, twice. I wasn’t really paying attention, I was content to just watch the child concentrated on playing with the cross necklace around my neck.

Our day was light, as if I wasn’t hanging out with the child I gave up for adoption. It was like any other babysitting job until my mother arrived at the Berrys for lunch. Waterworks, that one. 

Shelby was right about her being a daredevil on the swings, the higher she went, the louder she laughed. The slide was an ordeal, as Rachel wasn’t pleased with the picture she snapped on our first time down the slide. It only took fifteen rounds before we captured a good enough picture for Rachel’s standards. 

Puck took a break from his video game marathon to meet us at the park and while he claimed it was allergies, I saw him scratching at his eyes a few times while he ran around with Beth over his head. While there was no snow on the ground, it was still cold out and our day in the park ended right after Rachel saw the child cough.

The Berrys already had hot chocolate ready for us, along with some of Rachel’s old toys scattered about the living room floor. 

“Do you think she likes musicals?”

Beth tightened her grasp around my index fingers as she stood in front of me on the carpet, “I’m sure she does.”

How could I have known if a two year old liked musicals? The answer seemed to please Rachel all the same. 

“Are you happy?” 

Beth got distracted with something on the television and I let her gently fall back so she could watch Dora the Explorer.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well the chance to babysit the child you gave up for adoption isn’t exactly a traditional Christmas present. I was afraid you’d be upset with me.”

I turned my attention to Beth and let a small smile work its way across my lips, “It’s kind of like closure.”

“Closure?”

“I’ve always wondered whether or not I made the right decision in giving her up, I can let my mind rest now.”

I wasn’t sure how to explain it but I knew she understood. While our stories were different, we sympathized with each other. 

“It’s an open adoption,” I spoke up after a few minutes of silence. 

“You never told me that.”

“Shelby insisted it be open, and I try not to think about it.”

Rachel knew why she insisted. 

I continued, “We both know that I would have never initiated contact with her on my own.”

“I know.”

“But I’m glad that I was able to spend time with her at this age, and that you were here too.”

Rachel reached down to take my hand in hers and ran her thumb over my knuckles as she always did when we were talking about serious things. 

“She’s too young to remember but I think that’s for the best. Maybe one day she’ll want to meet me and I can show her the pictures from today that you took, and she’ll know that I did care about her.”

“Oh that reminds me!” she hopped up from the floor and gave me an off-balanced kiss on the top of my head before she scurried off into the other room.

Beth turned to look at the commotion and my eyes met hers. 

“She’s crazy, isn’t she?” 

As if she understood exactly what I was saying, Beth’s grin reached her eyes and she mumbled something incoherently before she went back to her TV show. 

“I heard that,” Rachel pouted as she came back into the family room with her hands behind her back, “This is for you.”

Rachel pulled her hands out from behind her back to reveal another present. 

“No! No more presents, you’ve done enough.”

She rolled her eyes and dropped the gift in my lap, “Please, you bought me tickets to a Broadway show and I’m sure you won’t let me buy anything while we’re there so you’ll take this present without anymore fuss.”

My fingers were already sliding under the wrapping paper by the time her small rant was over, I crumpled up the paper into a ball before tossing it to Rachel and ignoring her protests that she could have saved that wrapping paper. 

I studied the sterling silver photo-album in my lap and mindlessly flipped through it even though it was entirely empty. 

“I figured you’d want a place to keep all the pictures we took today.”

“I love it,” I breathed out, my fingers tracing the message she had engraved into the front. 

There were a lot of pictures; Rachel had to have taken over a hundred. Pictures of Beth by herself, some of the two of us, a few of Puck and Beth, and then a collection of family portrait style photos with the three of us in various awkward poses. Not one included Rachel and that had to change. 

I planted a sloppy kiss on her lips before I put the photo album on the couch and grabbed the camera off the coffee table.

“Up,” I demanded as I held my hand out for her to take. 

“No, Quinn,” she argued, already realizing what I wanted of her, “This is about you and Beth, I don’t need to be in those pictures.”

“Michael!” I yelled over my shoulder and Rachel’s eyes went wide, the man appeared a few seconds later with his apron on and a smile on his face, “Would you take a few pictures of us?”

He could barely contain his squeal as he took the camera out of my hands, Rachel’s glare only increased as I turned my smirk on her. 

“Now you have no choice,” I whispered into her ear as I bent down to help her up. 

“You complained all day that I was taking your picture and now you want to have your picture taken?”

“Humor me.”

I picked up Beth and Rachel’s other father made wild gestures to keep the baby’s interest long enough to snap a few pictures of the three of us for the photo album.

Shelby arrived back an hour later to pick up her daughter, we talked for a few minutes in the dining room about Beth’s progress and how she was doing in day care. I learned all I could about her and Shelby simply gushed at how well behaved she was when they would go out and run errands. I was proud. 

We said goodbye and Rachel refused to leave my side. It wasn’t necessary, I was entirely fine, but I appreciated it none the less. 

Our Christmas ended on the loveseat in front of the Christmas tree as we watched A Christmas Story in its entirety. The movie had been on in the background virtually all day but we decided to sit and actually watch it before going to bed.

“Did you have a good Christmas, Quinn?”

“The best so far.”

She smiled and snuggled closer into me as we laid on the couch together, my hand snuck under her t-shirt and played with her abdomen as we watched the movie. 

“Me too,” She answered before turning her neck until she was somewhat facing me, “So about New York…”

I rolled my eyes playfully but I knew she was excited about our road trip in a few days so I entertained her. I promised her we’d do everything and anything she wanted to do. 

She was right. 

The winter holidays used to be a bad time for me, but they didn’t have to be anymore. 

And I was pretty sure they wouldn’t be ever again.


	10. Midnight

One year. 

It had been one year since I saw Rachel, actually saw her. 

It was the beginning of something so amazing that the weight of it all was lost on me while it was happening. How could I ever have imagined that a drunken kiss at 3 in the morning would lead to everything it brought me? It was spur of the moment, the alcohol and desire combining to form a deadly toxin that allowed me to let go of my reservations for just a few minutes. That was all it took, a few minutes with Rachel’s lips on mine and I was a goner. Never in a million years would I have approached her had I not been masked behind the liquid courage I spent 6 hours working towards. 

She was so beautiful and I never wanted anything more in my life. 

A year later and we were back in the same house, with the same people, and it felt like nothing had changed. It felt as if we were at the same exact party as we were one year before. 

I was seated on the same couch as I nursed my red solo cup full of whatever concoction my chemist of a girlfriend made me, and I was watching my friends interact with each other. How we all became so close was a miracle. We protected each other and we always would, I had no doubt about it. I closed my eyes and when I opened them I expected to find Sam next to me with his hand protectively around my back while he talked to Finn and Rachel about workouts. The sense of déjà vu I felt was overwhelming and a little scary, I felt trapped and for a second I actually believed that it was a year ago and nothing had changed. 

Rachel caught my eyes from across the room and she gave me a close lipped smile, as if she was thinking about everything I was thinking of. She knew. It was so simple, she knew exactly how lucky we were. Her eyes were kind and I could tell by Mercedes’ raised eyebrow that she threw her a barely passable excuse before walking towards me on the couch. 

I stared up at her through heavy eye-lids with a goofy grin on my face, she tended to call it my drunk face, and I giggled childishly every time she called me on it. 

“You’re adorable,” she smiled as she reached her hand down for me to take. 

I didn’t ask any questions, I slipped my hand in hers and allowed her to pull me up. 

“I love you.”

She looked confused for a split second, probably not understanding where my sudden outburst came from, but her face smoothed into an easy smile in no time. 

“So we’re at that level of drunk, huh?”

I nodded and my cheeks tingled from the smile that refused to leave my face. 

“Very well,” she tugged my hand and I followed her without another word. 

My relationship with Rachel amazed me. We spent our entire Christmas vacation together and still weren’t sick with each other. If anything, I wanted to see her more. New York had been an experience. We spent the majority of it walking the random streets and pretending we’d lived there forever, Rachel fit right in. 

I couldn’t wait to hear back from Columbia. 

“Are you having fun?” she asked. 

The cold air hit my hot face and it felt amazing, Rachel closed the side door and helped me down the steps. 

I nodded, “Are you?”

She sat on the steps and pulled me down next to her.

“Of course,” she replied as she rested her head on my shoulder.

“Why are we out here?” 

“I was right,” she replied instead.

“About what?”

I set my cup down and wrapped my arms around her waist until I had a good enough grip to pull her into my lap. Her momentary squeal stopped once she realized I just wanted to be closer to her. 

“About spending the new year how you spent New Year’s eve.”

“You’re right. I spent all year locking you in bedrooms so I could molest you.”

She nudged my shoulder but couldn’t contain her laughter long enough to scold me properly, “I’m serious.”

I wasn’t superstitious and I knew that I spent the year with her because I wanted to. 

“We’ll spend every New Year’s Eve together, Rach.”

“I know,” she answered simply before her forehead came to rest against mine, “And Valentine’s day, and 4th of July, and Thanksgiving, and Christmas.”

“I can’t wait,” I tilted my neck back and kissed her lips softly as my hands sought out her warm body under the sweater she was wearing, “Happy Anniversary,” I breathed against her when I pulled away.

“We didn’t get together officially until March,” she reminded me.

The time line of our relationship was slightly complicated but I always considered New Years our starting point. 

“This was it for me.”

She smiled softly and for a second it looked like she could have cried. 

“Does that mean I get extra anniversary presents?”

“Of course,” I tickled the sides of her stomach.

The door behind us opened and loud chatter and music hit us in sync with the heat.

“It’s almost midnight!” Sam told us excitedly.

Rachel and I shared one of our silent looks before she hugged me closer and looked up at him, “We’re good.”

The door closed a few seconds later and Rachel and I were left alone again, “We’re going to miss midnight,” I told her. 

Truthfully I was glad that Rachel would rather spend the last few seconds of the year with me, we were in our own little world once again.

“Someone once told me that midnight was overrated,” she smiled her mischievous smile.

“They sound incredibly smart and sexy, you should probably stay with them forever,” I teased as I cupped her cheek.

“That’s my plan.”

We could hear the countdown through the door but none of that mattered, Rachel’s lips were already on mine again. 

She was beautiful, she loved me, and that was all I needed.

We weren’t perfect...

/

Quinn stared at the keyboard and rubbed the pressure points on the side of her temple as she struggled to come up with the perfect ending line for her short story. 

She wrote when she felt inspiration and she certainly was feeling a lot of it over the past week or so. It was just something to do in her free time, something that she did to re-live and remember the first year her and Rachel spent together. 

She started writing it one weekend during her junior year of college after she and Rachel got into a particularly brutal fight. Quinn left their apartment with the intentions of staying with her sister for two days until Rachel had cooled off enough to talk. She didn’t even make it a full day. She lasted 4 hours, two of which she spent writing, and jumped in the next cab back to their apartment to apologize for whatever she did to upset her brunette. Rachel was crying as she clutched a picture of the two of them to her chest by the time Quinn got back to her. 

They always dreamed of playing house together and after their first year of college, they got to do just that. They found a small, one bedroom apartment that needed a lot of work but it was theirs to fix up. They refused Judy Fabray’s offer to hire them a painter and they refused the Berry’s offer to hire a carpenter. They did, however, accept the credit card numbers so they could purchase the furniture and decorations of their choice. They spent almost the entire summer into their sophomore year painting the walls in their new bedroom and living room. 

Naturally Rachel cried when they packed up their things a year after their respective graduations but Quinn promised her that their new home would be just as special to them. It was bigger and had the much needed floor space, eventually Rachel warmed up to the new place. They chose their first apartment based on the distance it was between both of their colleges and they chose their second apartment based on the distance it was to their jobs. It was also around the corner from a killer Thai place. 

Quinn dropped her hands to her sides and leaned back in the black leather computer chair, she was staring at the computer screen with her glazed over eyes until she felt something heavy plop into her lap.

She glanced down to find their golden retriever looking up at her with sad eyes, “Did she kick you out of the kitchen, too?” she asked the dog with a small laugh before scratching behind his ears, “Join the club.”

She noticed the small white folded up piece of paper tucked into the dog’s collar and rolled her eyes before pulling it out and reading it. 

You can come back out now.

Quinn shook her head in amusement before looking back down at the golden retriever to speak to him in the voice she used when she wanted to be overly playful. 

“C’mon Charlie, C’mon boy,” she grabbed the rope toy off the desk and dangled it above his head until he started jumping for it. She broke out into a light jog as the dog chased both her and the coveted toy.

Quinn entered the living room and threw the toy into the corner where his bed was and watched with a laugh as the dog skidded across the hardwood floor to get it.

“Must you rile him up?”

Quinn turned to see Rachel leaning up against the island that separated the kitchen and living room with her palms on the counter. 

“Must you use him to do your work?”

Rachel walked around the marble countertop until she was in front of Quinn who took a seat at the high top barstool, “I called your name like three times,” she pouted.

Quinn placed a kiss on her lips, “I must have been really distracted.”

“Are you ever going to let me read what you’ve been writing for the past three years?”

Quinn smirked, “One day.”

Rachel raised an eyebrow at Quinn’s coy tone but she left it alone, “People will be here any minute.” 

“I’m ready.”

The brunette appraised her girlfriend’s wardrobe choice, “Jeans? Really?”

“I have to dress up every day for work,” Quinn reminded her unnecessarily, “I’m wearing this.”

“I’m going to freshen up,” Rachel told her before spending the next 3 minutes making out with Quinn, “Okay seriously, now I need to freshen up.”

“You look beautiful.”

“You’re just saying that so you’ll get some later,” she called over her shoulder as she walked down the dimly lit hallway into their bedroom.

Quinn bit her lip before she tiptoed around the island and into the kitchen where Rachel had set up the hors d'oeuvres. She knew that she shouldn’t pick at the food because it was the reason she’d gotten kicked out of the kitchen earlier but she was hungry. She made sure to scurry away from the fruit platter once she heard Rachel’s heels clacking on the hallway floor. 

Rachel finished putting her earring in and narrowed her eyes at Quinn’s guilty face before her eyes glanced at the food but before she could open her mouth to scold the blonde, the call box next to the door buzzed. 

Rachel continued on to the door and Quinn called Charlie to follow her into their shared office while the guests got settled in for their New Year’s Eve party. Quinn entertained her friends from the marketing firm she worked at while Rachel introduced some of her cast mates to their friends from high school that made the trip. After two hours, Rachel’s eyes met Quinn’s and they shared one of their secret smiles before Rachel excused herself from the conversation she was in and grabbed one of her cast mates to help her in the kitchen. 

Quinn downed the rest of her wine quickly before she turned back to Kurt, “I need a refill.” She held up her empty wine glass for proof, “Continue this conversation into the kitchen?” she asked before lightly grabbing his wrist.

She really didn’t care about the fashion show he got to go to when one of the interns called in sick, she just wanted to carry out Rachel’s plan so she wouldn’t get scolded later on. They were playing match maker, once again. Kurt continued to gush without pause and Quinn continued to smirk in Rachel’s direction as they walked into the kitchen. Quinn’s job was to get Kurt there and Rachel’s job was to introduce the two boys in hopes that their match making record would remain perfect. Quinn re-filled her wine and glanced out and into the living room where everyone was co-mingled. Puck’s girlfriend was Quinn’s friend from college, Mercedes was dating one of the production assistants at the theater Rachel’s show was at, and they had at least three more couples throughout the apartment that had resulted from their handiwork. 

Whenever one of them would protest about being set up on a blind date, Rachel would turn to Quinn with her bedroom eyes and claim that she had perfect taste. 

Quinn and Rachel stuck around for the obligatory 15 minute cushion time to ensure that both Kurt and Rachel’s cast mate were compatible enough to carry a conversation by themselves. Quinn’s hand found Rachel’s lower back and she began to run her nails in a teasing manner as she soaked in the alcohol, chatter, and warm feelings.

High school was filled with ups and downs but what high school experience wasn’t? They took it one day at a time but couldn’t help but look forward to a time when they wouldn’t have to curb their feelings for each other. They couldn’t wait to be somewhere where they wouldn’t have to worry about parents. Their first year of college was their trial run for the real world and Quinn often claimed that the happiest day of her high school career was the day she was accepted into Columbia. It was a stressful 4 day span where Rachel knew she was attending New York University but Quinn’s fate was still up in the air. Rachel often throws her head back and laughs when the blonde recalls receiving her letter of acceptance but if she was being honest, it was probably her favorite day as well. They’d be in the big city together, and instead of the possible three hour commute to visit each other, they were 2 subway lines away.

Had the blonde’s older sister not lived in the city as well, Quinn knew that she would have been severely homesick during her first year of college. Rachel knew that if it wasn’t for Quinn, she’d be the exact same way. They adjusted, adapted, and fell in love with the place they now call their home. 

Quinn leaned in and pressed her lips to the brunette’s temple, “I love you.”

Rachel turned with a curious eyebrow, “What was that for?” 

“I need a reason to kiss you now?”

Rachel shook her head before resting her head on the blonde’s shoulder, “Of course not.”

“These two lovebirds,” Kurt gestured to Quinn and Rachel as they once again were caught forgetting a world existed outside of the two of them, “Now they are a Nicolas Sparks’ novel waiting to happen.”

Jason, Rachel’s cast mate that she was trying to set up with Kurt nodded fondly, “So you all went to high school together?” 

Kurt jumped in before either girl could answer, “Oh yes. And let me tell you, these two hated each other. They were like oil and water for the longest time.”

Jason’s attention snapped towards the girls and he studied their mischievous grins before shaking his head, “Nope. I don’t believe it.”

“I was a pain in her cute ass,” Rachel laughed before ducking her bashfulness into Quinn’s shoulder.

Quinn continued, “And I secretly loved riling her up with my teasing.”

Jason shook his head to readjust his shaggy brown hair, the movement reminded Quinn of Sam Evans and that was one of the reasons they wanted to set Kurt up with him. 

“So how’d you two finally get together?” 

Kurt once again went to open his mouth with the juicy details but found that he had nothing to contribute. He turned to his old friends, “Actually, how did you get together? I don’t think anyone knows.”

Rachel lifted her head off of Quinn’s shoulder and smiled wide as her eyes danced across the blonde’s face. Quinn had her drunk face on, lazy smile and half-lidded eyes. She loved her girlfriend’s drunk face.

“New Year’s Eve,” Quinn replied still staring down at Rachel. 

The brunette nodded and drew her lower lip into her mouth for a moment before continuing, “Junior year of high school.”

“Really?” Kurt dragged out, not knowing he was at the very same party they allegedly got together at. 

Quinn nodded.

“Something romantic, I hope?” Jason asked, judging from the way the two acted around one another, he just knew that they were the romantic type. 

“I knew it. You two kissed at midnight when you disappeared!” Kurt was proud that he cracked the case and turned to Jason to explain how the girls were nowhere to be found at midnight. 

“Actually no,” Rachel answered, “We technically didn’t kiss at midnight.”

Quinn laughed to herself before turning back to the two boys, “It was three in the morning actually, just a drunken, sloppy hook up.”

Both of them frowned, hoping they’d have something a little more exciting to talk about. Kurt had always wondered how the two of them got together. He only started to notice something different between them when he was at the Fabray’s house for the annual 4th of July party and next thing he knew, they were making Youtube videos together. 

Always the romantic, Rachel squeezed Quinn’s side and got her to yelp, “She set the clock back to midnight so I could have my first New Year’s Eve kiss.”

Jason aww¬-ed and Kurt found himself also tilting his head in pride at Quinn, unaware that she was craftier than he’d ever given her credit for. No wonder Rachel was entirely smitten with her after all these years. 

“That is downright adorable,” Jason smiled and fanned his eyes, “So this is your anniversary as well?”

Both girls nodded, “7 years.”

Kurt shook his head, “I can’t believe you’ve been together for 7 years and you’re only 24.”

Rachel rolled her eyes, “Don’t remind me! I feel like an old lady!”

Quinn continued to rub the brunette’s back fondly as Jason held his hand to his chest, “You guys have to make a toast or something.”

Rachel shook her head, “Oh no,” she untangled herself from Quinn and began to busy herself by checking on the dip that was heating up in the oven, “Quinn’s not one for public attention.”

It was true. Quinn didn’t like the spotlight anymore, she had enough of it in high school and it almost prevented her from pursuing Rachel in the first place. She was more of a quiet romantic, she didn’t mind professing her love in every way possible if it was just the two of them. Both boys frowned at Rachel’s back before turning their eyes to plead with Quinn. The blonde bit her bottom lip and turned to look out at who was in attendance for their little New Years get together. All people who were important to both girls in some way, with the exception of the girls’ parents, but they’d see them in a few days when they flew back to Lima for a delayed Christmas holiday. 

She met Santana’s eyes as she laughed with Mercedes and Brittany. Santana was the only one who knew of the plans that Quinn had in store for Rachel later that night. She needed someone she could trust, and she also needed someone who could be brutally honest with her. After she and Santana practiced their Trust Test ritual, the blonde knew that her secret was safe. 

Quinn turned back to the boys and nodded her head a few times and both of them squealed with delight as they clanked their glasses with the closest utensil available. Rachel stood up after hearing the hush fall over the apartment and felt Quinn’s hand in hers as she pulled her into the living room. 

Quinn’s eyes nervously met the quiet and curious eyes of their house guests as they watched her take a few deep breaths. She saw Santana’s smirk in the back of the room and recalled their conversation from earlier in the week. 

“You’re sure you want to do this?” 

Quinn stared down at her shaking hands as she thought about Santana’s question. 

She had never been so sure of something. 

“You know this means you have to spend the rest of your life with her, right? Like, forever?” 

Quinn smirked and looked back up at her friend while they waited for the jeweler to come back, “That’s my plan.”

She felt Rachel squeeze her hand and it brought her back down to reality. She shook her head from the memory and cleared her throat before turning to meet the curious brown eyes that seemed to light up every time they met her own. 

She could feel the silver band burning a hole in her thigh as it sat nestled in her front pocket, the diamond practically bulging through the jean material. She knew that she was doing it that night but she wasn’t planning on proposing in front of everyone. She was going to sneak Rachel off like they always did at Midnight, except that night she was going to ask her to marry her. 

But they had their secret moments, their soft confessions, and their silent proclamations. Rachel lived for grand gestures and who was Quinn to deny her the chance to have the grandest of them all? 

They were never supposed to fall in love with each other. Kids in high school didn’t fall in love and expect it to last; at least, the rational part of their brain didn’t allow them to expect it to last. But it did last and Quinn wanted nothing more than to have it last seventy more years. They were different, they always were. 

Quinn forgot everything she had practiced in the shower earlier as everyone waited for her short heartfelt speech to wrap up. No one expected her to drop down on one knee at the end, not even Rachel.

“I was going to wait until midnight to do this, but…” 

“Midnight is overrated!” Rachel squealed as the tears rushed from her eyes, finally realizing what Quinn was about to do.

Both girls laughed as the wetness in their eyes made it harder and harder to see, and Rachel screamed yes before Quinn could officially get the question out there but neither of them cared as they clung to each other through the whistles and applause from their closest friends. 

Rachel was the best thing that ever happened to the blonde, she was her savior. And Rachel often told her fiancée that she was her guardian angel. Sure, sometimes they clashed but sometimes they got along so well that it was sickening. Sometimes Rachel popped her gum too loud while Quinn was working at home, and other times Quinn wouldn’t leave the brunette alone while she ran through her lines. Most of the time, the only way Quinn could concentrate was if Rachel was popping her gum, and Rachel loved when the blonde nagged her because she liked when Quinn needed her. Somehow all of their imperfections brought them closer together.

And just like that, she knew what the last line of her working short story was going to be. 

They weren’t perfect, far from it…but their imperfections made them perfect for each other. 

And she couldn’t wait to read it to Rachel as they started another chapter of their life together.


End file.
